Long Anagram by Richard Grantham

No terrorists here! Join our porn site, turn off the TV, quit watching the crap happening in the states, and join our free site!

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Well well. Please give this unworthy wretch the prize for the most inordinately and inexplicably insensitive rubbish I will ever clap eyes upon - with any luck.

Even by spam's low standards this piece of work is bewilderingly depraved. Though before I proceed, I have an admission to make - one which might possibly seem peculiar in the light of my well-known propensity to prey on spam anagrammatically: I really don't particularly dislike spam. Naturally I agree in principle that the wretched stuff's the worst goddamn concept since flares or the invention of the prequel - but in practice I just do not see enough of it to get irritated. Hotmail's Inbox Protector carefully filters out almost all the junk emails that pass my way, and cancelbots perform an invaluable role as USENET sentinels. (That's right, jerk, those same cancelbots you cynically hoodwinked out of killing this rotten dross by inserting all that twaddle in order to resemble a valid post.) Then what little remains I can just skip without it becoming objectionable.

Anyway, it's been a case of out of sight, out of mind... but that was before I met a spammer who was categorically out of HIS mind. I really can draw no other conclusion, particularly as this was posted barely an hour after the atrocity in question... this sort of perverse attitude is bordering on the noxious, and it's only the extraordinary wretchedness of the attacks themselves that prevents me from drawing parallels between you and the terrorists.

That's right, lowlife, despite my formerly relaxed attitude toward the unseemly handiwork of your deluded colleagues I'm all too prepared to make an exception now. This demonstration of sheer enlightenment has driven me to it, thanks very much.

I'm aghast. To insist this abhorrent post is downright intolerable is an understatement - to be frank, it's worse than offensive. It transcends indecency. We're all dazzled and outraged by its unforgivable barbarousness, and we strongly condemn it.

And well may you mutter something along the lines of words will never hurt me, or perhaps that it's all just innocent zeroes and ones really. Well, it's just a darned pity that one of Gary Glitter's lawyers didn't think of this - or he wouldn't be sharing a prison cell now with the likes of you.

So congratulations, pest, you've succeeded quite stupendously in grabbing our attention. It's just a terrible pity you were required to forfeit your membership of the human race in order to do so... although since you're a porn-peddler I'd guess that part probably happened quite some time ago.

I hope you're happy.

[2,089 letters]

This anagram won an Anagrammy in September 2001 (Special Category).

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