Long Anagram by Meyran Kraus

Spamagram: The Raven


We want to spend less time on the busy freeways commuting, and in over-crowded shopping malls and replace that with spending more time at home with our families where it is warm and safe. Apparently, we trust society less and want to protect ourselves and our families from the "cruel" outside world. This is the wave of the future and we are beginning to realize with the advancement in technology, we do not need to be in an office environment in order to access the marketplace and make money. In today's world, the quickest way to build a home-based business is to take advantage of the Internet craze that has hit the United States and is quickly spreading around the world. Like how the Gutenberg Press radically changed the communication world in 16th Century Europe, the Internet is revolutionizing how we communicate, distribute information and the manner in how and where we spend our money. It has been said that those who pursue electronic commerce (business over the Internet) have the opportunity to build an explosive business. While a conventional business can cost thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars to set up and run successfully, an Internet business costs dramatically less and has the potential to attract international business for just a fraction of what the traditional company would spend. On average, 30% of all U.S. web traffic is already international and 5% to 20% of all web sales originate from outside the United States. Everyday, these percentages are radically increasing. Consumers worldwide are spending 6.6 billion U.S. dollars a year in transactions over the Internet. The awareness level and need for users, buyers, advertisers and merchants to get onto the Web, and to set-up shop, has dramatically changed even from one year ago. This medium of doing business is skyrocketing, and we are reaping the benefits, daily. If you combine the Internet craze with people's desire to work from home and set their own schedule, you have a powerful team, and here is why. Many people have heard of SOHO, and no, we don't mean that hip section of New York City, rather the S.O.H.O. which refers to "Small Office/Home Office." One of today's biggest explosions in the economy. The home-based business has been born out of necessity. In an era where large corporations can only think of downsizing, what are your options? There is no security in Corporate America any more! Not only are tens of thousands of workers and managers being downsized out of their companies, but also thousands of men and women are tired of the corporate "rat race" and want to retreat to a home-based business.

If you decide to "stick it out" in Corporate America or the Corporate World, your choices could boil down to finding a lucrative niche in the small business world, standing in line at the unemployment office, or accepting a cut in pay and benefits. We were all raised to give 9 hours work for 8 hours pay, and we are not backing away from that. Today's large companies have no loyalty to the employees. Their only loyalty is to the bottom line. And the bottom line is exactly where most of us are when it's time to cut back. Your life is suddenly turned upside down because you have no control over your future. Someone who has no idea of the quality of your work makes these decisions behind closed doors or the extra time you gave the company without requesting overtime. They don't know about your family's life: they don't understand that you just put braces on your child's teeth and now have to pay for them. These "decision makers" job is to be impersonal and unbiased in all areas except for the company's "best interests." In other words: TO THEM, YOU REALLY DON'T MATTER.

The Great American Dream is gone. Official U.S. government reports indicate that more than 3.5 million jobs have been eliminated in the past 10 years - including over 2000 jobs per day last year alone - and an estimated 55% of all jobs created in the next 10 years will be near minimum wage in stores, restaurants, and bars. 90% of all the people in North America earn less than $40,000 a year and today's two-income family are not living as well as their parents did. So what is the alternative to the to the Great American Job? Richard Poe, former senior editor for "Success Magazine," describes in his recent book that a shift in thinking has resulted in over 14 million people working from home full-time, and another 13 million part-time. This number is increasing by almost 600,000 per year. And the average work from home income is $50,250 per year, about twice the average income of wage earners working for someone else.

 

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Ghouls \ Mey K.

Once upon an on-line visit, readin' anagrams exquisite,
Suddenly I wondered: "Is it time to check my e-mail score?"
Ah, it was! And soon I entered Hotmail and a brief search rendered,
Till I came across a sender that I've never seen before -
Connie Couponoff - whose message obviously was bullshit, for
It was titled: 'PORN GALORE!'

"Why the bleedin' hell", I uttered, "Does this ignoramus nutter
Send me invites from the gutter of a non-existing whore?!
Oh no, that's not very nice, sir!" So I sat to write an answer
To that internet 'freelancer' asking him for no encore,
With some profane words thrown in it, as I won't stand any more
E-mails reading: 'PORN GALORE!'

I began with: "Fuckface pervert; Sure - to any keen observer
Mine is not a private server, but it's NOT a dildo-store.
Don't send spam my way, you ninny, or I'll come and cut your mini-
Sized and quite pathetic winnie in two slices, maybe four.
Don't you show your heinous buttcrack even *near* my Inbox door
Screamin' stuff as PORN GALORE!"

Quite content, I sent the letter to that hideous bed-wetter
Hopin' things will now be better, and my good mood was restored.
"Sentences tense and offensive such as these could have extensive,
Tough effects - he won't know whence it came!", I said, as spirits soared,
"Once he reads it he will cease his merchandise of puke-decor!
Cheers and bye then, Porn Galore!"

But I think I'm growin' dafter or naive, for only after
Two short days, as healthy laughter brought me rollin' to the floor
When I read a joke by Tully, I then checked my mail, and - Golly!
There it was again, quite dully-sprawled; those words of utter bore.
"Ah, that stupid fuckin' goblin!", I let out a fury roar,
"You will EAT that Porn Galore!"

"Listen, cunt", a new note opened, "Last time I was kinda hopin',
Cautious, you would truly stop and cut the shitty evil-spores.
See, I find these things degradin', both to gentlemen and maidens;
I don't care if they were made in Mecca, Prague or Baltimore;
Taizhou, China; Gouda or the Ritz Hotel in Ecuador!
Shove your stinkin' Porn Galore!"

"It would be JOY if I see ya get infected with bacteria,
Asshole, put to sleep or be a zoo-plate of some carnivores!
Do not beam! It ain't amusin', ghoul, because I am accusin'
You of useless, foul abusin' that is causin' me to snore.
I would rather have my penis eaten by a dinosaur
Than receive a Porn Galore!!!"

With these loathin' words I ended, crazed and strained, then clicked and sent it.
Sitting there I watched, demented, sweat-beads flowin' from each pore.
What more can that Connie half-wit toss my way? A porno-snuff with
Nine-year-old shaved twats? Jon Lovitz doin' it with labradors?...
TWENTY SECONDS later he replied it, and my eyes were sore
Seein' one more 'PORN GALORE!'

Desperate, I turned to reason, to escape that fuckin' prison.
I decided it's a season for some private, self-folklore:
"Connie, there's an oath I've taken, caused by fears that can't be waken -
Oh, my heart's already achin' mentioning that corridor
To my past... Let me explain with this wee tale of days of Yore
My disgust of Porn Galore:"

"Friends of mine, I now remember, at one night in late December,
Went ahead and rented 'Amber and the Horny Matador'.
Ah, it was a horrid feature! "What", I moaned, "Unearthly creature
Made this shit?!" So, just to be sure this act won't repeat, I swore:
No more nasty, sweaty and satanic stuff shall I explore,
Be it film or Porn Galore!"

But the wretched jerk sent back oh-yet-another spammy. "Fucker!",
I coughed as I finally cracked, "Oh, I will hunt him as a boar!
That spam was the final one he scribed! This is no longer funny.
As that famous cartoon bunny says - Good fella, this means war!
Connie, you are toast! It's time to set my actions to 'Hard-core'
And to end the Porn Galore."

So I turned to find the spammy's server-host, some guy named Sammy;
No-one bothered to reply me, so it was no easy chore.
I came after Connie's site-lord, to pass comments on our spam-turd,
But I saw him and the bastard probably have fine rapport.
As I came back to my e-mails, streamed a huge wave, an outpour -
CENTURIES of Porn Galore!!!...

That spam I have not forgotten. Since it every day was rotten
And my life changed in a certain way that I could not ignore -
I SAW it in many places, written on some people's faces,
On cabs, even on bootlaces, on stray-cats, on clothes I wore -
I became a crazy, frantic man as every item bore
Just one sentence: 'PORN GALORE!'

Even if our world should crumble, streets should part and trees should tumble,
And a meteor-ensemble rains on us from shore to shore -
Even then, that banal Connie will be on his hunt for money,
Handin' nudie-pics of 'honeys' to once-human piles of gore;
On a lone, deserted planet just one voice will still implore:
"FIVE BUCKS ONLY! PORN GALORE!"

[3,659 letters]


This anagram won an Anagrammy in April 2001 (Special Category).


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