EMAIL ON BEHALF OF THE QUEEN. An important announcement regarding the USA.
A message to all the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:
Because of your ongoing failure to manage your finances and also, in recent years, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents and thus not able to govern yourselves properly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. This will take place immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty (Queen Elizabeth) will be resuming monarchical command over all states, commonwealths and territories alike (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David ('Call Me Dave') Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the formality of further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated sometime next year to check whether any of you noticed.
To assist in this transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are being introduced with immediate effect:
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by '-ise.' Generally, you will all be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable UK levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' and 'kinda' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communicating. Please be aware that there's no such thing as American English. We shall let Microsoft know on your behalf. Microsoft's spell-checker will also be reprogrammed to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the eradicating of '-ize.'
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you are not ready to shoot grouse.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. (Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public places).
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left-hand side straight away. At the same time, you will go metric and without the benefit of conversion tables. Tackling both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
Henceforth, the newly-annexed USA will need to adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have hitherto been calling 'gasoline') of roughly ten dollars minimum per US gallon. Get used to it.
In future, you will learn to make real chips. Those wizened things you call French fries are not real chips, and the things you insist on calling potato chips are called crisps. Authentic chips are thick-cut, deep-fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. In future, only genuine British Bitter will be referred to as beer. Any European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is acceptable too, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and this can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - look what it did for them. American 'beer' will in future be named Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so it can be sold without the risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to have English actors cast in the roles of good guys, and will be required to use English actors to play English characters too. Watching Anne Hathaway attempt English dialogue in 'One Day' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will no longer play American football. There are only two types of proper football; the one you call soccer, and the one called rugby (dominated by the exalted New Zealand team). Those of you courageous enough will, in due course, be permitted to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Furthermore, you will stop playing baseball too. It is infinitely ludicrous to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside America. Since only 2.7% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your ignorance is completely understandable. You must learn cricket too, and we will let you compete with the world-famous Australian team first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
You must tell us who killed JFK, you meanies. It has been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be coming to visit you imminently to ensure the immediate requisition of all monies due to the UK (backdated to July, Seventeen-seventy-six).
Daily Tea Time begins at 4 p.m. - not one minute more - using cups, with saucers (never mugs) with high quality biscuits (cookies); fine cakes; and the oh-so-glorious strawberries with cream, when in season.
God Save the Queen!
This anagram won an Anagrammy in October 2011 (Special Category).
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