Anagrammy Placegetters for January 2001

All the highly-placed anagrams from the January 2001 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Antidemocratic =
Dictator came in.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Institutionalised racism =
It salutes discrimination.

3rd - Larry Brash with:
Evangelical fundamentalists =
Evil damn fanatics! Gee, all nuts!

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Crash Davis with:
Kim Basinger files for divorce from Alec Baldwin =
Bride roars "I'm a fickle blond! Screw off, I'm leaving!"

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Metallica's Albums =
Musical meatballs!

3rd - Jaybur with:
Gladiator: the Best Film =
Able star: old-time fight.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Ulf Lunde with:
Abdel Baset Ali Mohmed Al-Megrahi =
I am Allah's eager lad. I bombed them!

2nd - Tom Myers with:
A State for the Palestinians =
The point's essential - Arafat.

3rd - Jaybur with:
Pope names thirty-seven new cardinals =
Heavens! It's plenty in sacred manpower!

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Keith Lehman with:
She's on the rag =
No shags there!

2nd - Don P. Fortier with:
Autoerotic asphyxiation =
I act out sex. No air? Oh, a pity.

3rd - Mick Tully with:
An enormous penis ~
amuses one in porn.

2nd - Richard Grantham with:
School Girls... With No Panties =
Oo, Plain Girls With No Chests?

3rd - Larry Brash with:
NEED MONEY... FAST?? PLEASE READ THIS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE =
Fee? None? Oh, you nasty little spam-sender. Go ahead - shove it!

2nd - Crash Davis with:
Q*U`I-T S*M-O.K.I.N`G Now with L*I*F.E.S.I-G.N
http://www.smokefreelungs.com

Q*U`I-T S*M-O.K.I.N`G NO C.o.l*d T-u-r.k.e*y GRADUAL & PAIN LESS
NO DRUGS - SAFE & NATURAL
YOU CAN Q*U`I-T FOREVER WITH L*I*F.E.S.I-G.N

The realistic way to kick the t`o.b.a.c*c.o h_a*b*i-t...gradually.
It's tough to Q*U`I-T. t`o.b.a.c*c.o addiction is a powerful h_a*b*i-t.
n.i.c`o.t.i*n*e is very addictive. Even if you want to Q*U`I-T, it is a difficult h_a*b*i-t to break. We understand what you are going through, and we know how to help.

L*I*F.E.S.I-G.N offers real hope for smokers, dippers or chewers who want to Q*U`I-T. Gradually. Easily. And for good!

If you want a real program, that can break you c.i.g.a*r`e.t.t.e h_a*b*i-t

THIS IS WORTH A READ

http://www.smokefreelungs.com

Do you love having a ciggie or two? Do you love inhaling the Christmas-like taste of a nice menthol? Closing your eyes, imagining you're the Marlboro Man?

But with prices quickly rising out of control, what are we to do, quit?

No! We came up with a breakthrough idea. Quick-dried for rolling, and tasty!

Surf to http://www.quick-dried-feces.org

Wait... the best thing? It's free! Free! You can pick up a week's worth in no time at any park!

What is as nifty as watching Fido squat, aim, and download a hot, fresh butt-full all over a lawn? It's you, puffing a nice, big doo-bie after, that's what!

OK, OK, it sounds gross, but wow! It's frugal!

All reports are at http://www.quick-dried-feces.org

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The site will answer these questions:
What if my broker does not understand this?
How is this different from any other trading system?
How successful is this program?
What does it cost to subscribe?
What do I get for my money?
What if my broker does not want to learn this method?
Can you explain how you calculate these numbers?
=
Six best queries this odd, shitty site of moronic mom-suckers ignored:
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why are gas-station bathrooms bolted? Do they fear someone'll clean them?
Why don't cows shrink when it rains?
Can't 'phonetic' be spelled that way?
Why term it *life* insurance?
Why do you goat-butts-stuffers nitwits fume me so?!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Richard Brodie with: [Job 2:3]
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause.
=
If one's a marked man, and God has you in his sights, just throw in the towel and give it up, because nothing that you'd ever do can stop his course from it: from the death and the torture and the harm and the maiming and all the vile hell that he has in store. It's thy test to teach thee. Handle it!

2nd - Larry Brash with:
As boringly and tediously expected, the previous, and other posts,

anti-Gates: *rave*, on PC? (i.e. mentally ill)
= Netscape Navigator (strangely......)

as we have yawned at so often on "anal arts mag" = alt.(dreary) anagrams for the cretinous. Anal fixation, the lowest form of human life.
Is there an adult on this group? or anyone who has learnt to control their bowels?

Strangely, Brodie ="I *bored*"......Richard G = "Rich *drag*" (! the latter, certainly true)

Relax!

Cybercougar - what he's called is a "troll"

A troll is a boring idiot who invades an alt newsgroup. The aim is fomenting anger, horror, and pure fear. They love to abuse regulars with their off-topic posts and arrogant rants. They haunt, rave maniacally and drone on; they deliberately start nasty flame wars, and generally act complete and utter arseholes.

This one's no exception.

Give this goofy retard no attention.

3rd - Dan Fortier with:
The Russian National Anthem

THE PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Jaybur with:
General George Smith Patton =
Germans gotta go! I repel then!

2nd - Richard Grantham with:
William Henry Gates ~
is a wealthy gremlin.

3rd - Tom Myers with:
Correspondent Christiane Amanpour =
Human corpses and reporter in action.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Husband and Wife with:
Miss Congeniality =
My giant silicones!

2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The National Gallery =
Hail only elegant art.

3rd - Rick Rothstein with:
Family Planning Association =
I'm on pill; a fanatic's saying "NO!"

THE ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Let's look at some of the top-grossing cinematic features in the USA: =
'Titanic': The film gets cute as Rose lets go of one Romeo at a sunk ship...
'Forrest Gump': So, a nice stooge, a *fool*, is the luckiest man in the state?!
'Home Alone': Nice tot gets (then uses) gifts - mutilates a pair of crooks!
'The Lion King': Animators use computer tool-sets; see 'Cat Fights a Foe'.
'E.T.': Focus on a cute alien's task to go "Phone Home". I stress it - great film!

2nd - David Bourke with:
Just five of the greatest and most influential axemen ever known, in my humble personal (and biased) opinion: =
1. Jimi Hendrix. A funky mean soul'n'blues man. Died of breathing (own) vomit. Vast, insane talent. Stone Free, people!
2. Brian May. Was in one fine band. Def Leppard, Extreme, even Mott just love him! Sung like shit. So, a final tune? No, no!
3. Eddie Van Halen. Extremely fast king of inverse-twin-hand tap. But one memorable solo, in 'Jump!'...fine sustain, no?
4. Pete Townshend. Deaf. Maximum (ie: most noisy) R'n'B / real ennui. Band fave? - 'Join Together'. Vast, full pink nose. ("A line?")
5. Nigel Tufnel. (Of Spinal Tap). Very fast. The bonehead's mission? - Banjo turned onto maximum din. (ie: "eleven"). Wanker.

3rd - Don P. Fortier with:
DUE TO THE RECENT INCREASE OF POPULARITY & RESPECT THIS PROGRAM HAS ATTAINED, IT IS CURRENTLY WORKING BETTER THAN EVER =
Larry Brash's intent is to entice & to protect the unfettered crap. They keep recurring to provide us with anagrams. (A lie?)
So we need to probe harder, investigate the irritating & unrepentant poster (a chore!) I rather suspect crafty Mick Tully!
On the other hand, couldn't Mey Kraus possibly create & reprise transparent farce without getting erratic, repetitive? =
California student Ben Yackley reiterates that recent mad & pretentious "report" crap? Proving he's the writer is tough.
True poet David Bourke preparing a reluctant & tragic confession: he wrote the trite perennial trash. "My shitty secret."
Richard Brodie threatening to turn up a terrifying Psalms tract to stop these cute & cheeky Revelations we air. (Repent!)
Ms. Burholt & Art appreciate their inclusion here, pretending to take pride at such near-witty travesty. "Forget encores!"

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - David Bourke with:
Decomposing Composers

2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Hello everyone and welcome to this anagram. As the more perceptive of you must by now have noticed, it's quite an odd little 'gram indeed - and for a number of reasons of note. For starters it uses just about every letter, the sole exception being Z - shit, now I'll need to include this as well. (Fuck a duck, it's so irritating when this happens.) Anyhow, this little pangrammatic anagram (or should this instead read "an anagrammatic pangram"? I won't harp on it 'cause it'd expend the Ms and As much too swiftly) is most notable not for this, nor its unusual self-referential nature, but for a complete dearth of equals signs. They *are* here, but in a striking, bizarre and even nonsensical twist I decided to hide the lot and I'm not gonna say where. It's not a lie: people will just have to discover where they are themselves, and good luck to you - I have not made it that simple. Darn it, joins aren't even at beginnings of *words* let alone sentences, so added ingenuity is called for. To help all you poor amateur dolts, though, I can now divulge that the exact number of times my letter stack rolls up here is prime - rather hewing down the quantity of potential answers. But even now the size of your task is considerable, 'cos in a rare act of harsh sadism I made this damned anagram's letter total exactly two thousand, three hundred and ten (which I am sure you will all soon recognize as the product of two, three, five, seven and eleven). So rash messing about with the factors just won't be of any use, I'm so terribly sad to tell. (I *am* an irritating damn bitch, ain't I?) No, instead I advise you all to hunt for queer-seeming assortments (along the lines of peter piper picked a peck of pickled fuck I'm running out of Ps) where a sudden jump in a letter's frequency hints that a gap exists in that area - dividing a load between two halves, so that neither set's letter distribution sustains sizeable harm. Indeed, chances are you're spot on - yet even now the margin for error's too immense for that plan to be any good, sadly. Well well, in total it seems I've made locating a solution much too hard a chore... alas, it's not. Now that I examine it there's still one slight flaw: because it's a pangram (and most likely to run to only one of each infrequent letter per set) one should just count Zs with a program or even by hand, and divide away by that amount. Shit, it's so simple even a newt or a graphic designer could do it... I should've considered that one before I started, fuck it. Well, so much for the anagram's entire premise - and, alas, its end now draws near. Thanks so much for reading it all, everyone - it's been amazing fun to do, and I hope you all enjoyed it.

Shit, I've uncovered this bunch of extra letters I must have missed before. Man, this isn't good news... I can tell it's too many to secrete properly around the rest, alas - but there still isn't quite enough there to start a complete new paragraph, so I am fucked if I can tell what I'm gonna do wi

Click here to see the solution

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Several treatments of a pair of acrostic poems, one by Carroll to a friend and one by Poe's ill wife to her husband.