Anagrammy Placegetters for April 2001
All the highly-placed anagrams from the April 2001 Anagrammy Awards.
[ Previous month ] [ Back to index ] [ Next month ]THE GENERAL CATEGORY
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Bottles of hydrogen peroxide =
Good tip there for sexy blonde.
2nd - Don P. Fortier with:
"Are you the Messiah?" =
"Ah, so true. Yes, I am He."
3rd - Jaybur with:
A little gem =
Let it gleam!
THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Oscar Wilde's "De Profundis" =
Prison life cued sad words.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Vincent Van Gogh's Self Portrait With Severed Ear =
Provocative strength, as ever, in the self-drawing.
3rd - Ernesto Guiraldes with:
Screen actors Natalie Wood and Robert Wagner =
Drown gowned actress near recreational boat.
THE TOPICAL CATEGORY
1st - David Bourke with:
The American spyplane =
Chinese play mean trap.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
Former Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic =
Envious cops storm fiend's roomy Belgrade villa.
3rd - Dan Fortier with:
San Diego council bans the word 'minority' =
Racism in doubt, saying "non-white-colored".
THE RUDE CATEGORY
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Empty penis? =
Yep, I'm spent.
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Real Men don't eat quiche =
Queer male can do it, then?
3rd - Tom Myers with:
Net erotica -- yes, it's unsafe! =
It often causes eye strain!
THE SPAM CATEGORY
1st - Richard Grantham with:
!!!!!!P O R N O M A N I A!!!!!!
Fifty Naked Beauties!
Dykes Giving A Stallion Head!
Amazing Anal Video!
Plus Much More!
!!!!SATISFY YOUR URGE TODAY!!!!
=
If I ever meet you, nasty spammer, I'll stick my sodding bazooka
up your fat ass and fire again and again till you've had enough.
2nd - Meyran Kraus with:
The Work at Home Network with our company was reviewed and published
- Wall Street Journal Business Week, Home PC, Forbes
=
Web-horror Norenwood Jake
Sent himself spam by mistake;
Server blew up-
Uh-oh, screwed up!
One client was what it would take!
3rd - Adrian Hickford with:
Send me an email
I'll send you a list
Thank you
software1for10@hotmail.com
=
Dammit! Fuck yourself, arsehole.
110 million emails?
On to a nasty death, NOW!
THE LONG SPAM CATEGORY
1st - Richard Grantham with:
Hi! My name is Betty Wilson. I got your e-mail address off a post.
Please forgive me if I made an error; I'm a two-fingered typist.
I put this little note together to show people that it's not impossible
to lose any amount of weight that you want! I hope you find this
information useful.
I'm married, with two boys, ages fourteen and twelve.
I was getting bigger every year. My weight had hit 264 pounds at age 38. For my height and build, I should have weighed about 175 pounds. That was 89 pounds overweight, clinically obese. My parents were concerned that I was overweight, and growing larger. Every time I lost weight, I gained even more back.
THEN CAME THE CHALLENGE. They said that if I lost weight and got down to my proper weight, they would give me $5,000.
I wanted that money, but even more I wanted to look better and be healthy. I dieted on and off for seven months, but got nowhere. I was depressed and disappointed.
I had researched and tried many weight loss programs during my yo-yo dieting years. I did Slim Fast, Cyber vision, soup diets, starvation, "exercise-and-eat-no-fat," chromium picolinate, metabolic enhancers, and more. You name it and I tried it. I lost some pounds with every diet, and then eventually gained it back, usually with a few extra pounds.
=
Ashamed, desperate and miserable, I was on the verge of giving up. But finally I twigged onto a method which reaped immediate dividends - I lost those extra 89 pounds and MORE... IN A SINGLE NIGHT!!!
Here's my secret:
1. Invite a band of 7 or 8 friends over, and get them to watch as you begin swigging Bloody Marys until you're utterly maggoted. Or, if you have no friends (as I do), simply chug away to a point where you're still dimly in command but notice no more pain (a good way to gauge this is with a stapler on the windpipe).
2. Grab a sharp blade and the vacuum cleaner.
3. Make great big incisions wherever you're deemed too podgy, shove in the pipe, switch it on and lose the damn adipose tissue! It's the odd whitish matter - however, if you inadvertently swallow a kidney instead (it's a brown thingy in the shape of a beef patty with a bite in it) don't worry, you've got another.
4. Wipe up the bleeding and remove leftover lumps of offal.
5. Sew up with cotton thread, dental floss or whatever's around (I ultimately went for picture wire).
6. Seek immediate medical attention.
I got my $5000! I'm now dead slim and getting slimmer by the day. I guarantee this scheme can fix your weight woes too, so if it's needed why not try it tonight?
Regards,
The Estate of the Late Betty Wilson
2nd - Larry Brash with:
HELP PEOPLE LOSE 10 TO 30 INCHES AN HOUR GUARANTEED!
Our Body Wrap has done just that, over 4 million times during the past 30 years. The public demand for this product has been overwhelming! Our customers get excited when they can fit into jeans, that just an hour before, they had to lay down to zip up. They usually tell their friends, neighbors, family and anyone else who will listen all about our great Body Wrap and the great results! Customers start telling others and we end up with a lot of referrals.
=
Here, in short, is a total untruth, but a great way to rip off worn-out fat bastards. We can sell these flabby-arsed horrors plastic sandwich wrap, which we give a scientific-sounding name, for example, Lardeluene-304.
Each hour, you should aim to yield up to, at least, thirty (30) elephant impostors, or ten (10) jumbo-sized greedy guts, and nine unnaturally well-upholstered endomorphs. The bigger the jelly-bellies are, then the more wrap they need. Just head out to the shops and get ten rolls of vinyl. Don't run out!
3rd - David Bourke with:
LESBIAN LOVERS
Click Here!!!
If you like watching two girls together,
this is the site. Click Here!!!
25,000 All-New Lesbian Photos Click Here!!!
Thousands of LESBIAN Movies Click Here!!!
LIVE LESBIAN PERFORMANCES!
=
Click here - listen to k.d. lang's new album
"The Sapphic Sessions", with these choice tracks:
"Clitoris Cheese"
"Labia Licker"
"I Only Fuck Women"
"Hello, Bi!"
"Feelings For Her"
"Girlie Heaven"
"Elsie's 25,000-volt Vibrator"
THE LONG CATEGORY
1st - Larry Brash with:
Two
households, both alike in dignity
2nd - Don P. Fortier with:
WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving.
They are smart; knowing that knowledge is power. But know how
to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and
themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the
loss of a family member, even when it is an in-law.
They are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They can drive
you wild, would fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much
they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They
give compassion and ideals. They give moral support those around
them.
And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the
same to people to whom you care.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy things and fixing stuff.
=
CATS
...are friendly, but aloof, independent.
Kitties have warm, soft fur... and leave it everywhere.
They jump into your lap and get comfortable.
They know good grooming and make a show out of washing themselves.
They rub against your leg, when they feel like it, and bury their
own poop, often in your garden.
They are good with high numbers: feline moms like to raise large
families.
Even when one is small in size, it has the heart of a jungle lion.
A harsh warning hiss may be harmless, but hold on...
don't forget about those sharp claws and fangs they have!
Cats know no laws, morals, or embarrassment.
They know how to chase mice in dark rooms, how to flip over in
midair, how to pounce, and how to make "meow" mean whatever
they want it to.
Envy them, the smartest animals in the world: they sleep a minimum
of fifteen hours a day.
They are content to sit in a window and watch the world go by.
DOGS
...expect you to walk them, even in the rain.
3rd - David Bourke with:
TRAINSPOTTING
Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life.
=
ANAGRAMMING
Choose shit. Choose being such a sad anorak. Choose sitting in front of a PC at about four in the morning. Choose The Daily Mail cryptic crossword. Choose/use Anagram Genius Windows software. Choose Sater. Choose General, Entertainment, Name, Other Name, Rude, Spam, Long Spam, Topical, Set, Long, Special, and Challenge. Choose abuse. Choose SUCH humiliation on the Anagrammy Members' Page. Choose hardship. Choose sacrifice. Choose jeopardising your job. Choose bringing your relationship to its knees. Choose watching that useless fat cunt off Countdown Richard 'Twice Nightly' Whiteley leering at Carol Vorderman. Choose finding Richard Stilgoe SO funny. Ho fucking ho. Choose a stiff neck... red eyes... carpal tunnel syndrome... how exciting for you. But if you choose, I can help you. For fuck's sake USE the future, dude! Get out here in the air - get a life!
THE PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY
1st - Jaybur with:
M. Etienne de Silhouette =
The esteemed in outline.
2nd - Adrian Hickford with:
Stevie Wonder =
Er, doesn't view.
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Wilfred Edward Salter Owen =
Left dead in World War sewer.
THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY
1st - Jaybur with:
The Israeli Airline =
El Al: I rise in the air!
2nd - Larry Brash with:
The Medical Profession =
Fine doctors please him.
3rd - Mick Tully with:
"Slimmer of the Year" =
Fearsomely trim, eh!
THE ANAGRAM SET CATEGORY
1st - Adrian Hickford with:
Five classic authors of the horror genre whose take on life is downright macabre and slightly loopy: =
Clive Barker: he can frighten you with his low-grade hits: cool passages on fiery Hell-rooms. Daft or not?
Fearful Stephen King - beastly car Christine: the groovy motor follows a sad high-school weirdo, Arnie.
H.P. Lovecraft wreaked chaos within terrific, insane tales of yore: horrible ghouls and gloomy ghosts.
Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley wrote Frankenstein: gothic, horrific, savage - oh, poor ghoulish baddies.
Bram Stoker, Irish creator of fiendish Dracula. He goes for the nape so evilly! Got last lynching - oh wow!
2nd - Richard Grantham with:
"Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There" by Lewis Carroll =
O, Charles Dodgson's wholly logical brew: the girl, her kitten, a hut, fauna
(weird local bugs); through the talking flowers, an idle royal, then chaos!
Huge Lion harshly fights lethal Unicorn, or Tweedle lads go back to war;
chessboard, railway (hold on!), carol of the White Knight, ultra-sullen Egg
on the boil; finally (through the castle) our child grows regal...and wakes.
3rd - James H. Young with:
Here we have quite a brief story of art music all listed in an order according to dates. =
Cold Medieval style. An art where a quiet organ or recorder abuses its diatonic fifth.
To a time of Renaissance. Ruled where florid quaver goes to try basic cadential third.
Baroque. Rather ornamented scale grade with detail focused in solitary first voice.
Classical. A queer sort of a melody fit over a hard-beated uninteresting chord, I write.
Romantic. It is a quest so dedicated for a bluer, flowery, arching, heart-on-sleeve triad.
THE SPECIAL CATEGORY
1st - James H. Young with:
WHAT ARE THE HALLMARKS OF A GOOD ANAGRAM?
2nd - David Bourke with:
Mambo
No 5 - Lou Bega
3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Spamagram: The Raven
THE AWARDSMASTER'S CHALLENGE CATEGORY
This month's challenge was to anagram the first stanza of Jabberwocky into a "translation" of Carroll's nonsense original.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
1st - Mike Keith with:
He, Lewis, grabbed the vibrant role,
Assembled dreams and rhymes with glee,
But vowed that one most mighty goal:
Originality.
2nd - David A. Green with:
I'm the Revd. Lutwidge Dodgson,
I wrote this inane rhyme:
Love rabbits, algebra, the hymen, small gals
Who beg a story at bedtime.
3rd - Richard Grantham with:
'Twas hell: the bawdy virile boys
Rimmed virgin lemmings in a boat:
And lethal were the red-hot toys,
As the mob buggered goats.
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