Anagrammy Placegetters for January 2009

All the highly-placed anagrams from the January 2009 Anagrammy Awards.

[ Previous month ] [ Back to index ] [ Next month ]

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Conceptual artist Andy Warhol =
A red soup can! Why not call it art?

2nd - Scott Gardner with:
Agatha Christie, Murder on the Orient Express =
Expert sees through crime on a train. Read this!

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Ledger now belongs in ~
Golden Globe winners.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
The U.S. says "Good-bye!" =
Yes, Bush goes today!

2nd - Christopher Sturdy with:
The Inauguration of President Obama =
No More Bush fatigue - a nation partied.

3rd - Neil Ramsay with:
We yelled as one final ode for George W Bush ~
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

Eq1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Ernest Hemingway =
His mane went grey

Eq1st - Meyran Kraus with:
The former American president George Walker Bush =
Some supreme brain-lacking we'd rather forget here!

3rd - Scott Gardner with:
Mister Alphonse Gabriel Capone =
Help begin La Cosa Nostra empire

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Christopher Sturdy with:
President Obama - so good they inaugurated him twice =
George Bush - a dimwit idea you'd spit at more than once!

2nd - View with:
Le nozze di Figaro ossia la folle giornata (Commedia per musica) =
Mozart's famous opera: a comic dialog realizing one's 'ideal' life.

3rd - David Bourke with:
The former President of the United States of America, George W. Bush =
A "misunderestimated" cretin buggers off...after the others. Whoopee!!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Basic Wedding Cake Recipe

6 cups soft cake flour, sifted
2 tablespoons baking powder
1 1/2 cups butter or margarine, softened
3 cups sugar
2 cups milk
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
12 egg whites

Preheat oven to 325¡F. Grease pans and line bottom with sheets of waxed paper (may also use parchment paper).

Sift flour and baking powder. Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat egg whites only until stiff, not dry. With mixer on slow speed, add flour and baking powder to butter and sugar, alternately with milk. Beat well after each addition. Mix in vanilla. Gently fold egg whites into batter. Pour into prepared pans. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool, ice, and decorate. Serve, share, enjoy!
=
Recipe for Upkeep of a Happy Marriage

1/2 gallon faith
6 cups consideration
5 cups trust
3 cups kindhearted praise
2 cups flattery, hidden
1 small pinch of in-laws
1 flexible budget and a pledge of cooperation
2 teaspoons pure extract of "I'm sorry"
2 tablespoons of contentment
3 cups confident and encouraging attitude
1 large or a few small hobbies
2 cups blindness to the other's faults

Stir well, taking out any big wayward lumps of bitter jealousy, bad temper, backtalk, or nagging guilt. Add pepper of recreation and a rare extract like wise understanding, and whisk gently. Next, sweeten with true love and romance. Bake and keep warm with a flame of devotion. It gets better with age, but never serve it with a cold shoulder!

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the good Lord appeared and asked, 'O my dear child, why do you cry? Why are you so upset?' The seamstress replied, 'O Lord, can you help me?' and announced that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it so she could sew for her husband to help him make a living for their family of four. However she did not know how to swim. The good Lord, ever understanding, dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a beautiful golden thimble set with fancy sapphires.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'

The good Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with particularly interesting and beautiful rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'

The Lord reached down again and came up with a very plain leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, 'Yes.'

The Lord was pleased with the womanÕs honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep for herself, and the seamstress went home very happy to tell her husband all about it.

=

Some years later, the shrewd seamstress was strolling with her twelfth husband along the riverbank, and her plump, stiff, blind, droll, dullard, screwball husband tripped (thump!), plopped into the dreaded river (splash!), and disappeared under the hellish waterÕs depth. When she cried out in shrill throbs, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' She shrieked, 'Lord, help me! My husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord knelt down in the depth and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' he asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. 'That is a lie!'

The determined seamstress replied, 'Please forgive me. It is a little misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with the blond dearie, Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband Ben with the metal teeth. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. IÕm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of them all, so THATÕs why I premeditated and said 'yes' to the wet George Clooney there.

And so the Lord let her keep him. (The thrill!)

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, itÕs for a good reason!

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards, because:

I'd start off dead and get that over and done with.

Then I would wake up in a nursing home feeling fitter every day.

Then I would be kicked out of the home for being too healthy; enjoy my retirement and collect a pension.

Then I'd start work and get a gold watch on the first day. I would work for forty years until I was too young to work.

I'd get ready for High School: drink alcohol, go off carousing, and be generally promiscuous.

Then I'd go to primary school, I'd become a kid, play, go to the zoo and have no responsibilities whatsoever.

Then I'd become a baby, and then...

I'd spend the last nine months floating peacefully in luxurious bliss, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...

I'd finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

=

TO ATTAIN A CALM LIFE

I'm passing this on to you because we could all profit from a bit more calmness in our lives. No kidding - it does work!

By following the simple advice heard on the Dr. Young show, you can find inner peace. Dr. Young stated: 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the little things you've started and not finished.'

Well, I looked around my house at all the unfinished things I'd started, and before leaving home this morning I finished a bottle of Bristol Cream Sherry, a bottle of eggnog, two packs of Kit Kat, and the remainder of my Prozac prescription. Next, I attacked the rest of my cherry brandy and ate a bag of Doritos and a box of well-known luxury chocolates.

You've no idea just how freaking good I feel right now.

Send this to anybody you know who might need inner peace.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Adie Pena with:
The New Year Night Poem

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
WHAT PARENTS THINK

I was one happy man! My gorgeous girlfriend and I had been together for a year, and had decided to be married. There was only one thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was eighteen, wore tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I'd always get an eye-popping view. It had to be deliberate, because she didn't do it when she was near anybody else.

One day, the sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she confessed that she had desires for me that she couldn't suppress. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in such complete shock, I could not think of anything to say!

'I'm going up to my bedroom,' she said huskily. 'If you want one last wild fling, come up and get me.'

I was frozen with shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there a moment, then turned and made a beeline for the door. I opened the door and marched straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my prospective father-in-law hugged me and said, 'Hello! We're so happy that you have passed our little test! We could not ask for a better husband for our daughter. Thanks, and welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

=

WHY PARENTS DRINK

The boss of a manufacturing organization could not understand why one of his most steadfast research-staff members was off work but hadn't made any effort to phone in. Needing to sort out a problem with an essential main computer, and in order to resolve the absentee mystery, he rang the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello? '

'Hello, dear ... is your Daddy in?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the little voice.

'Can I talk to your Daddy?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised, and wanting to talk to an adult, the factory boss said, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes'

'May I talk to your Mummy?'

Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Needing to find someone to leave a message with, the frustrated boss said, 'Is anyone else around?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman .'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's house, the concerned boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and a fireman,' came the whispered answer.

The boss, now growing aware of a loud noise in the background, asked, urgently, 'What is that weird noise?'

'It's a helicopter,' answered the little voice.

'What's going on there today?' entreated the boss, now very worried.

Again whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, and a little frustrated, the boss said, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME .'

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
A man and his wife were watching 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' on TV while in bed. He turned to her and said, "Want to make love?"

"No," she answered.

"Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at him this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So he said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Then the fight started...

*******

A man asked his lovely wife in advance, "Where would you like to go for our next vacation?"

She answered, "Someplace I haven't been in a long time."

He suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

Then the fight started...

*******

One Saturday morning a man got up very early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, even fed the dog, and slipped quietly out into the garage. First he hooked the boat to his truck, and then proceeded to back out into a torrential rainstorm.

A wind was blowing to 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and heard the announcer say that the weather would be bad all day.

The man went back into the house and quietly slipped into bed. He snuggled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out fishing in that?"

Then the fight started...

*******

A man and woman were asleep in the bed like two oversized babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, loud noise came from outside.

The woman rose from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap! That might be my husband!"

The scared man leapt out of the bed and jumped out of the window naked. He slammed on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, and sped to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned to the bedroom, and hissed at the woman, "I AM your husband!"

The woman yelled back, "Yeah, so then why were you running?"

Then the fight started...

*******

A man tried to talk his wife into buying a case of Miller Light. Instead, she bought herself a jar of cold cream.

He told her the beer would make her face look better at night than the cold cream.

Then the fight started...

*******

A woman was standing nude, assessing herself in the mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and sighed to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look so old and fat. I really need you to pay
me a compliment."

So the sarcastic husband replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

Then the fight started...

*******~
A man took his dowdy wife to a restaurant, where a new befuddled waiter took the husband's order first.

"I'll have steak, medium rare, please."

The dumbfounded waiter asked, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

The man deadpanned, "Nah, she can order for herself."

Then the battle began...

*******

A man and his wedded wife were sitting at a table at his Midwest high school reunion. He kept staring uncomfortably at a drunken redheaded woman sitting alone at a nearby table, swigging her drink.

The wife demanded, "Is that drunk an acquaintance?"

"Yes," the man sighed, "That woman is an old girlfriend. I understand she took up drinking right after I dumped her many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"Oh, my!" blurted his wife, adding "Who would think a woman could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the battle started...

*******

After he retired, an Albuquerque fellow did not dillydally and went immediately into the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter smiled and asked the man for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pocket and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman employee he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." The old guy opened his shirt, revealing curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." She processed the man's application as he buttoned up his shirt.

When the man got home, he told his wife about the woman at the Social Security office.

She jumped in loudly, "You should have opened your pants fly! You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the battle started...

*******

When a newlywed husband got home from work, his pouty wife demanded that he take her someplace expensive.

He took her to the gas station.

Then the battle started...

*******

A wife was hinting to her husband about what present she wanted for their upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds!"

He bought her a big scale.

And then the battle began...

*******

A sleepy wife sat down on the couch, joining her weary husband. He was flipping channels, attempting to look for entertainment. She asked, "So, what's on the television?"

He muttered, "Dust."

And then the battle began...

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
The consummation of a relationship =
That's some hip name for coital union

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The successful penis enlargement operation =
A useful nine-incher plans to get some respect!

3rd - Tony Crafter with:
Boy George sentenced to fifteen months in jail =
Gay offender entices men in to get BJs in the loo!