Anagrammy Placegetters for August 2009

All the highly-placed anagrams from the August 2009 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Rodgers and Hammerstein, "South Pacific" =
I do hear the cast sing and perform music.

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
A collection of Sherlock Holmes detective stories. =
Coveted crime classics tell of hooknose title-hero.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The old Glenn Campbell song, "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy" =
One well-clothed gentleman is loping by on horseback.

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Scott Gardner with:
Thomas Stearns Eliot, "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats" =
Classic book of short poems, as translated to top musical.

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The Pink Floyd's "The Dark Side of the Moon" was much jazzier than their other albums. =
Asked about "Wizard of Oz" phenomena in the hit rhythm, the rockers just half-smiled.

Eq3rd - Andrew Brehaut with:
The FIFA International Swimming Championships in Italy =
Michael Phelps is off initiating many wins in that in Roma.

Eq3rd - Rosie Perera with:
Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America =
I'm a real fat cat. A rapid cure can sure earn much cash for me.

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

1st - Rosie Perera with:
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." =
Oh, that penman's unbroken personal cranial brilliance is seen in an equivalent, though briefer, familiar axiom: "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. =
A quote that mirrors the reason people like to die a hero in a racial war, commit an abhorrent offense, begin using heroin, and, informally, it explains the Bush vote.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." =
So? That is an opinion of an arrogant man unable to remember that a literary sequel can be a pile of trash - who exploited "Hitchhiker's Guide" in more inferior novels!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
THE NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE TODAY.

The telephone rang and the lady of the house answered.

"Hi, can I speak to Mrs. Denver, please."

"Yes, speaking"

"Mrs. Denver, this is Doctor Jefferies at High Dudgeon County Hospital. We've got an unusual situation here. When your husband's doctor sent his blood sample to the laboratory last week, a sample from another Mr. Denver arrived also, and we are uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Denver asked uneasily.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's Disease and the other one tested positive for HIV. Unfortunately, we can't tell which one is which."

"Good grief! That is dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" queried Mrs.Denver.

"Normally we could do it again, but the National Health Service will only fund these expensive tests once."

"So, what am I supposed to do now?" she said.

"The NHS Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

=

NO MORE TOMORROWS

A solemn Stephen Stein returned one day from a visit to his doctor and told his wife, Cass, that the doctor had said he'd only twenty-four hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course, she said 'yes' and they made vibrant, passionate love.

Six hours later, Stephen approached her once more and said, 'Cass, I've only eighteen hours left now, maybe we could, well... make love again?'

Cass agreed and they made love.

Later, Stephen was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours left. He touched Cass's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Just one more time before I quit this life permanently?' She said yes, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Stephen, however, heard the solemn ticking of the clock, and tossed and turned until the time was down to only four hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

'Cass, I've only four hours left. Can we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Steve, I‰Ûªm not being funny, but...

... I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

2nd - Ellie Dent with:
THE CAT AND THE KING (An Old Fable)

A cat was looking at a king, as is permitted by the proverb.

"Well," said the monarch, observing the cat's inspection
of his royal person, "how do you like me?"

"I can imagine a king," said the cat, "whom I should
like better."

"For example?"

"The King of the Mice."

The sovereign was so pleased with the wit of her
reply that he gave the cat permission to scratch his
Prime Minister's eyes out.

=

WOMEN LIKE CATS

Spike is horrified to see a panicky woman is perched
on a ledge of a burning apartment block, a moggie in
her arms.

The girl kisses her cat, and moves to throw it down to
him below.

Spike keeps a wary eye on it, watching it hurtle
through the air, rashly leaping five, possibly six
feet, to catch it.

To cheers, he does a little dance, lifts the cat high
above him... and smashes it on to the pavement.

3rd - Dharam Khalsa with:
Two Afternoon Fables

A Rose Chafer

By chance, a rose chafer in the city of London shyly composed a classical fugue. But then nobody knew what a rose chafer was, let alone a fugue, and inexplicably didn't check the 'R' encyclopedia volume, so he died crushed, if twitching, upon a pauper's grave.

=

The Capricious Fly

A capricious fly once saved up enough cereal box tops to purchase an enormous rich chocolate candy bar, and for a week he was in fly heaven. But by the second week he had grown bored with all the candy and found himself lusting after a nice clean pile of tasty dog feces.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The House of the Rising Sun

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
COPY OF A LETTER FROM A GENTLEMAN IN MELBOURNE
AFTER RECEIVING A FINAL INCOME TAX DEMAND

Dear Sirs,

Your superheated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope with a five-penny stamp on it, and it would have given the boy and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us certain melancholy reflections of what has passed before.

You say you thought the account could've been settled long ago and you could not understand why it hadn't been. Well, here is the reason.

In nineteen-sixty-four I bought a sawmill on credit.

In nineteen-sixty-five I bought a team of horses, a timber wagon, two ponies, a terrier, a double shotgun and two razor-backed pigs, all on credit.

In nineteen-sixty-six the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not one solitary thing. One of the ponies died and I lent the other to some stupid bastard who starved the poor bugger to death. Then I joined the church.

In 'sixty-seven my father died and my brother was strung up for raping a pensioner. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the bastard seventy quid to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 'sixty-eight my lad contracted mumps which spread to his balls and the poor boy had to be castrated to save his life. Later, we all went fishing and the rotten boat overturned, drowning two of my lads, neither being the castrated one.

In late 'sixty-nine my missus ran away with a sheep shearer and left me with twins as a souvenir. Then it was necessary to have a housekeeper, so I married her to keep my expenses down, but it was a hell of a job getting her pregnant.

I consulted the doctor and he advised me to create some sort of excitement at the crucial moment. So, that night I took my shotgun to bed with me and, at the time I guessed was right, I leaned out of bed and fired the gun through the window. As a result, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I'd shot my best cow.

In nineteen-seventy someone cut the nuts off my prize bull. I was really buggered, so I took to drink. I carried on until all I had left was my pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me very busy for some time.

After a year I took heart again and I bought a manure spreader, a reaper, a tractor and a car, all on credit as usual. The floods came and washed the bloody lot away. My wife caught VD from a travelling salesman and my boy died through wiping his arse on a possum skin that was infected. To cap it all some useless bastard mated my cow with a broken down old bull.

It surprises me to see in your missive that there will be trouble if I fail to pay up. Trouble! If you can think of anything I've missed, I'd love to know about it.

Sirs; trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a porcupine's pisser with a red hot needle.

I am praying that a shower of skunk shit will pass your way and I hope the centre of it is over you and the bunch of useless bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit.

CHRISTOPHER C. COLLCUTT

=

[Based on a genuine reply from the Inland Revenue, and added-to, amended and fumbled-with to make the anagram work!]

Dear Mr Babbing,

I am writing to express our thanks for your prompt reply to our last communication, and to answer some of the added points you raised. I will address them, as always, in order.

Firstly, Mr Babbing, we must take issue with your description of our last as a "damned begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, here at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

And secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst we have not seen the other letters to which you refer we would prudently suggest that their being from "pauper councils, pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "stuff them next to the toilet in case of emergency" is, at best, a tad ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it's unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, indeed, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a human citizen of Great Britain, with an added responsibility to contribute to the safe upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be a whit of truth in your adamant assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary reckoning ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. And the estimates you provided for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst inventive, are, in fairness, a bit off the mark. Less than you imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is distributed to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

And, a couple of added technical points in answer to direct queries:

1.The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" instead of "Mr Babbing" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system:

2.You can be assured that "sucking the very marrow from those with nothing left to give" has never been deemed normal practice because, even if the Personal Tax Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

We hope this has helped and, in the meantime (whilst we would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, Mr Babbing) we ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole frigging jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

ABDUL Z. WADDA- AL- NAWAB.
Head Manager, Customer Relations.
(Bad Debt Dept).

3rd - Adie Pena with:
For Music

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Anagrammy Placegetters for August 2009

THE GENERAL CATEGORY

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

THE ANAGRAMMY CHALLENGE CATEGORY

THE LONG CATEGORY

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

THE RUDE CATEGORY