Anagrammy Placegetters for December 2011

All the highly-placed anagrams from the December 2011 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
A shared illusion ~
is all in our heads.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Thermal underwear =
He turned real warm.

3rd - David Bourke with:
A few items you might find in your husband's pocket =
Money, humbugs, a picture of his wife and snotty kid.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Dharam Khalsa with:
Man is accidentally shot by his own dog =
And I'd say, somewhat consolingly, "Bitch!"

2nd - Rosie Perera with:
Downed American drone =
Do we dare condemn Iran?

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Serviceman shot ~
on Christmas Eve.

THE PEOPLES NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Bad people rotting in hell =
e.g. Hitler, Pol Pot, Bin Laden.

2nd - Adie Pena with:
Wise men of the East Melchior, Gaspar and Balthasar =
As a star afar helps those Magi meet a newborn Child.

3rd - Rosie Perera with:
The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams =
Top man of British church was a wry liberal one.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
The British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association
=
"Can it stop nasal in-breathing noises?"
"I hope so, dear." :-(

2nd - Adie Pena with:
The Grecian statue Venus de Milo =
Cute, even ideal. Huge tits, no arms!

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
Secret Vatican Archives of Holy See Acts =
Only chaste vicars have free access to it!

THE MEDIUM LENGTH CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
What is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything?=
Author Adams feels he's quite intuitive when he invents the great line: "Forty two".

eq2nd - nedesto with:
Little Nathaniel and Ted just met in their daycare.
"My Daddy sells books. What does yours do for a living?" Nathaniel asked. ~
"My dad is a mob-snitch lawyer," said Ted.
"Honest?" asked Nathaniel, totally floored.
"No, just the regular kind," said Ted naively.

eq2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
The tangled, broken seasonal lights that hang awkwardly from that theatre roof remind me of the angry politicians. Why? ~
They all hang together, half of them simply don't work, and the ones that are working aren't always so bright--in fact, are dim!

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Tony Crafter with:
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get some time off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. So, I would like you to look after the clinic and take care of all me usual patients."

"Yes sir, oi will!" answered Murphy.

The doctor went fishing next day and, on returning to the clinic the following day, enquired: "How was your day, Murphy?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one called in with a headache, so oi gave him some Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, I like it! And the second one?" asked the doctor.

"The second one had colic and oi gave him Gaviscon, so oi did sir," said Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're unusually good at this Murphy; and what about the third one?" asked the doctor.

"Well sir, oi was sittin' here quietly moindin' me own business when suddenly da door flew open and a young woman burst in, so she did, like a bolt outta the blue! She tore off her clothes, removin' everyt’ing includin' her bra and panties and lay down on the table, spreadin' her legs and shoutin': "Help me for the love of St Patrick! For five years oi've not seen any man!"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did ye do?" asked the doctor.

"Oi put drops in her eyes."

=

Dermot, from Dublin, appeared on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" and towards the end of the program he'd already won half a million euros.

"You have done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's host and presenter, "but, worryingly, you've only got one lifeline left - the 'Phone a Friend'. Everything's riding on this question, for a million euros. Do you want to go for it?"

"Yes," said Dermot "Oi'll have a go!"

"Okay, Dermot - which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo?”

"Oi'm afraid oi haven't got a clue" said Dermot, ''so oi'm gonna have to use that last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy in Dublin"

Dermot phoned his friend and told him the circumstances and repeated the question.

"Why, that's simple!" cried Paddy; "It's a cuckoo."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes, I am."

Dermot hung up the phone and told Chris: "Oi'll go with cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"That it is."

There was a long pause and then the presenter screamed: "Cuckoo is the right answer! You've won a million euros!"

The next night Dermot invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Hey Paddy, just how in Heaven's name did you know that the cuckoo doesn't build his own nest?"

"Easy...! Because he lives in a fookin' clock!"

2nd - Dharam Khalsa with:
On the first day of Christmas...

3rd - Adie Pena with:
THE TOP TEN CHRISTMAS SONGS
10. Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy - Bing Crosby and David Bowie
9. Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Rosemary Clooney
8. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! - Dean Martin
7. Last Christmas - Wham!
6. Winter Wonderland - Doris Day
5. Merry Christmas Everybody - Slade
4. Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley
3. The Christmas Song - Nat King Cole
2. Do They Know It's Christmas Time - Band Aid
1. White Christmas - Bing Crosby
=
10. Odd couple's "Christmas Special" duet
9. Tune by writers Martin and Blane
8. Sammy Cahn's wintery Christmas classic
7. George Michael's stylistic Christmastime treatment
6. Lovely Christmas standard by Bernard and Smith
5. Noddy Holder's recent noteworthy work
4. The King sadly vocalises Hayes
3. One by Mel Torme with Wells
2. Bob with Sting, Bono et al for Ethiopia.
1. Mr. Irving Berlin wrote yesterday's and tomorrow's massive hit.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Sonnet 108

2nd - Tony Crafter with:
These are all supposedly based on quotes from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and describe things people actually said in court (but perhaps not quite literally, as some have been altered just a bit to create this anagram!) All are on record and have now been published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Paula?'
ATTORNEY: And this upset you because...?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Pink Gucci sweats and purple Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, has it affected your memory at all?
WITNESS: It has.
ATTORNEY: Just how has this affected your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: I see. Perhaps you could give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, is it true that if a person dies in his sleep, he does not know about it until the following morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exams?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The middle son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he, please?
WITNESS: He is twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: It was.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is this true?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: And were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
~
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the wrongdoer?
WITNESS: Yes, I'd say that he was regular height, medium weight and had a rather long beard.
ATTORNEY: Was the wrongdoer male or female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice that we sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: Er, no; this is how I dress when I go to work.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The living ones put up too much of a fight.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, right? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall what time you examined Mr Tennent's body?
WITNESS: Yes, Mr Attorney, the autopsy started around 8PM
ATTORNEY: And Tennent was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give urine samples?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And finally:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Then it's possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy... yes?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: Okay, but could the patient have been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

3rd - Adie Pena with:
Winter Shores