Anagrammy Placegetters for May 2000

All the highly-placed anagrams from the May 2000 Anagrammy Awards.

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THE GENERAL CATEGORY

1st - Tom Myers with:
Lesbian perversity! =
Britney Spears live!

2nd - Mick Tully with:
'The Daily Record' =
Deadly rhetoric.

3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Forensic evidence =
Science over fiend.

THE ENTERTAINMENT CATEGORY

1st - Brenden Preece with:
Pokemon Trading Cards =
Kids mad on great PR con.

2nd - Don P. Fortier with:
The hit musical is Andrew Lloyd Webber's "CATS" =
I beheld a cast hiss, rub, claw, stridently meow.

3rd - Whitney Cohen with:
Weird Al Yankovic =
Liven wacky radio.

THE TOPICAL CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
The actor Douglas Fairbanks dies =
A big star had fucked a lot o' sirens.

2nd - Jaybur with:
The actor Sir John Gielgud dies at ninety-six =
O, exit stage: rich airs did suit gentle Johnny.

3rd - Larry Brash with:
Legionella from the Melbourne Aquarium =
Queue here for abnormal lung. O, I'm ill, mate.

THE RUDE CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Inflammatory Bowel Disease =
My ass blew fire, I moaned a lot.

2nd - David Bourke with:
Clitoral stimulation =
"It is all to oil a cunt, Mr!"

3rd - Tom Myers with:
Will U.S. President Clinton be disbarred? =
Rude, sordid act. Intern blew Bill's penis.

THE SPAM CATEGORY

1st - Larry Brash with:
You can earn $50,000 or more in the next 90 days sending e-mail. Seem impossible? Read on for details.
=
Dear friends,
I lost all my money, i.e. exceeding $9,500,000, on this one spam. I am one true-born sad-arse.

2nd - Richard Grantham with:
Do ya like watching Lesbians? =
See a bint-licking-a-lady show!

3rd - Tom Myers with:
Naked Lolitas from 7 to 18 years o.! Pictures of Hymen! Defloration performance - MPEG Video!
www.ginecology-photo.com
=
Ripoff! Depraved wimp! Women 71-8 years old lacking of teeth - not young girls. Women are roomy too. Cool if the cops came!

THE LONG SPAM CATEGORY

1st - Meyran Kraus with:
Here's how we prepare our e-mail lists:

1. We clean and eliminate all duplicates.

2. Next, we use a filter list of 400+ words/phrases to clean even more. No address with inappropriate or profane wording survive!

3. Then, a special filter file is used to eliminate the 'Web Poisoned' e-mail addresses from the list. Our EXCLUSIVE system reduced these 'poison' addresses to near zero. You may have seen CD's with 30, 40, 50 million addresses, not only do they contain may undeliverable addresses, but most are notorious for millions of these 'poisoned' email addresses.

4. Next we used our private database of thousands of known 'extremists' and kicked off every one we could find. NOTE: We maintain the world's largest list of individuals and groups that are opposed to any kind of commercial e-marketing... they are gone, nuked!

5. We sorted the list into easy-to-manage packets of 20,000 addresses in a simple text (.txt) format.

6. All domains have been verified as valid.

Here's how to prepare Sweet and Sour Spammer:

1. Hunt the eerie little shit using a dollar bill as bait.

2. Next, kill it! Use whichever method you want: suffocation, decapitation, poison, AIDS or even 500 stabs to the kidneys.

3. Time to fill our dead spammer!
Slice it open using a chain saw and remove insides with a spoon. Fill the empty cadaver with EXPLOSIVES, a zillion dead red-ants and fleas, mayo-dip, fried sea-weeds, turkey dressing, some dried olives, dental floss, a handful of poison oak leaves, deer excrement and lard for some extra aftertaste.

4. Next, make the sauce: Boil some red wine in a pot; gradually add 40cc of your own spit (Sweet) and pee (Sour). Slowly stir for 40 seconds. NOTE: Add some more beverages (like soda) or even standard water to maintain moisture.

5. Insert the dead stiff in the oven for 200 minutes in 3000F degrees, or wait 'till the oven explodes. Finally, pour sauce and sprinkle some sesame seeds.

6. Serve cold to your sworn enemies.

2nd - Larry Brash with:
Dear Friend,

Today, I became a Member of one of the most amazing sites on the Net, TargetShop.com. It's a vast consumer community which will soon offer its Members substantial discounts on merchandise, as well as other services such as reviews, chat, on-line shopping, and a consumer search engine.

They also have a referral program that gives out cash bonuses which are payable in cash or can be applied to the purchase of the company's stock (when and if they complete an IPO)!

Would you help me reach my goal of $7500 commission by registering for FREE Membership? Just go to http://www.targetshop.com/default.asp? refId=1031386, (my referral number is 1031386) and type in my referral number.

Once you register, you will also be eligible for commission any time one of your friends registers for Membership. If you and your friends register by May 31st, you will be eligible for the Easter Bonus which pays $37.50 for every referral up to 200 referrals! Thanks, and good luck with the Easter Bonus Program!

Take care,
Your friend.

Dear Sucker,

I'm Larry.

I plan to con you with another Make-Me-Rich and You-Get-Poorer Internet scams. You have to be really stupid to be conned by this type of bullshit nonsense, however, there are lots of half-wits, like you, who will actually be taken in and part with your hard earned money.

Because I'm a victim of this crumby scam myself, I'll now get you caught in the same web of deceit that fooled me. I'm no genius myself, but I feel you're more stupid than me and will easily get ripped off.

I have lost $1,058,700, so far, since 1st March 2000 and need to con 3173 fools at $335 per fool or, perhaps, 1681 morons at $633 per moron, to get into profit again.

If you see this and murmur "this seems a very good idea for some spare cash", you're just the lame-brain for me and one of my glib scams.

The cash balance is soon zero ($0). Bereft of crisis reserves, suffering occurs, as spam brings grief, worry. Wife bashing happens (grrr!), hashish abuse appears, hemp charges, more crime (robbery), herpes germs infect the genital members (grrr!).

www.e-currency.cons

3rd - Richard Grantham with:
L.E,G.A,L C,A.B,L.E T,V D,E-S,C.R,A.M,B.L,E.R

Want to watch Sporting Events?--Movies?--Pay-Per-View??

*This is the Famous R-O Shack TV De-scrambler
You can assemble it from Radio Shack parts for about $12 to $15.

We Send You:
1, E-Z To follow Assembly Instructions.
2. E-Z To read Original Drawings.
3. Total Parts List.

**** PLUS SOMETHING NEW YOU MUST HAVE! ****
Something you can't do without.

THE UP-TO-DATE 6 PAGE REPORT:
USING A DE-SCRAMBLER LEGALLY

Warning: You should not build a TV Descrambler without reading this report first.

Fill out form below and send it, along with your $10.00 payment to:

C.a.b.l.e.F.R.E.E-TV
1342 East Vine Str #216
Kissimmee Fl 34744

(Cash, Check or Money Order.)

(Florida residents include 7% Florida State Sales Tax)

(All orders outside the U.S.A. add $5.00)

PRINT YOUR:

NAME______________________________________________________

ADDRESS___________________________________________________

CITY/STATE/ZIP____________________________________________

E-MAIL ADDRESS____________________________________________

We are NOT ASSOCIATED in any way with RADIO SHACK.

LEGAL WAYS TO TORTURE A SPAMMER

Dislike sad spammers' rude dross? Good at D.I.Y.?
Learn with us how to soup up little motors and other odd components available at D.I.Y. stores until they become instruments of vast terror!

Do a low-cost ($17) "HappySack E-Z CrushMatic", a $32 "Ream-A-Rama" (inserts a dozen bowling balls into the fuckwit's nostrils and shoves a fork up his urethra), or a $41 "SelfLubeTurdProber", with a weird metal gizmo that ascends into his rectal cavity until it meets resistance or screaming ceases (whatever comes last), before applying 136,447,411,312,500 volts DC!

But DO NOT DIVE IN without first obtaining our scientifically valid report, legally defining spammers as a variety of higher fungus. Only then will your defence lawyers be able to make a good case.

Yes, Order TODAY!
$60.00 (add 25% death tax)

www.turds2dust.net

THE LONG CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?
How many seas must a white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand?
Yes and how many times must the cannon balls fly before they're forever banned?
=
The answer, my friend, is... ten. Maybe eleven. Honest.
What, seems too damn small? Or do you maybe wanna have a naff, touchy-feely sham answer, "man"? "Blowin' in the wind" or some pure sadarse lefty bollocks? Hah!
Dumbass.

2nd - Graham Perkins with:
How many dyslexic persons does it take to change a light bulb? =
One holding weighty steps, sixty chums to read a label on back.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
You will not hear from us again; as a matter of fact, you do not need to ask us to delete your name from the list since we will not contact you ever again.
=
There once was a looter from Scarsdale
Who sent uninformative-ad e-mails
Until I got a gun
Tore you yet-a-new-one
And let my cat fuck you, too. ("Soft tail!")

THE PEOPLE'S NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Graham Perkins with:
The actress, Jamie Lee Curtis =
Er... here's a clue: majestic tits!

2nd - Mick Tully with:
Field Marshal Montgomery =
Doom! This German army fell.

3rd - Whitney Cohen with:
King Arthur Pendragon =
Run pagan knight order.

THE OTHER NAMES CATEGORY

1st - Richard Brodie with:
The great pyramid of Cheops =
My God! Perfect Pharaoh site!

2nd - Ormasyna with:
Slimfast Bars =
Trims ass flab.

3rd - Meyran Kraus with:
The big ocean-liner, 'The Titanic' =
Hit one iceberg in the Atlantic.

2nd - Jaybur with:
Temporary tax increase =
Exacts monetary repair.
A rampant Tory exercise.
Extra year's importance.

3rd - Richard Grantham with:
Television advertising =
Egotists in naïve drivel.
Invites revolting ideas.
Strives to inveigle an id.
Invasive, to instil greed.

THE SPECIAL CATEGORY

1st - Richard Grantham with:
The Soldier

2nd - Mike Keith with:
Lo, as a careful huswife runs to catch

eq.3rd - David Bourke with:
HOW MANY RICHARD GRANTHAMS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
NONE. (BUT LIT THE AWARDS CHART! HAIL THE BIG SHOCK ANAGRAMMY GOD!)

HOW MANY JON GEARHARTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
DO JUST GET ONE RHYME KING (WHO CAN BOAST/BRAG A LITTLE - HA HA!)

HOW MANY LARRY BRASH'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
"G'DAY ALL! IT'S ONE!" - MR. L.B. (BY THE BUSH - WATCH THE KANGAROOS AIR).

HOW MANY WILLIAM TUNSTALL-PEDOES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
BE ALIGHT? AH WELL, AT MOST, IT WILL TAKE ONLY ONE SUCH MAD, BAD, TOP GENIUS.

HOW MANY JANETS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
AH, JUST BE TWO - BOTH LADIES CAN LET GO, MAKE ANY NIGHT!

HOW MANY MIKE KEITHS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
"I BET ON HIGH, BUT DO I KNOW MATHEMATICALLY?" ASKS THE GEEK.

HOW MANY WHITNEY COHENS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
"CHANGE, EH? WHY, GLAD TO (THAT'S THIS ONCE), BUT I'M ONLY A NEWBIE, OK!"

HOW MANY MICK TULLY'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
ONE, MAYBE? (A DUMB HUNCH) - GO ASK THAT LOWLY SICK LITTLE GIT.

HOW MANY DANIEL F. ETTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
BUT WHY? IN FACT, HE DOES NOT NEED TO A BIT. (EG: ALL A MAKER'S LIGHT)

HOW MANY MEYRAN KRAUS'S DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
ASK D.B. - "ONLY ONE ISRAELI (BUT OY, WHAT A GEM! MUCH GREAT THANKS!)"

HOW MANY RICHARD BRODIES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? =
WHY, ABOUT ONE. O HARK! BIBLE SAID "CHRIST, MAN! GOD CREATED LIGHT!"

eq.3rd - Richard Brodie with:
Psalm 148