Golf "Get-Away." (Heaven!)

Single malt. (Early? Not!)

Food. (Caviar, anyone?)

Fantasy petite sleeping garments. (Yes!)

Genuine fashion handbag. (NO!)

Ho-Ho-Ho, Honey! This shopping must stop!

Time to cut up my Mastercard!

Isn't our poor planet degenerating fast?
The opinions are phony; fearsome tortures climb;
So many tyrannies in our poisoned past;
And nonsense conspiracies, none so sublime.
Life, if possible, discloses no ebony end,
Encased in a once forgotten gunnery.
And orphanhood stories for no hero friend,
Pained, none merrier, on one final journey.
You treasure recruits for all their worth;
Each time one dies, we smell a bouquet.
And how much time do we have on earth?
Remember not to waste that extra day.

TUMMY, WE WILL FORGET HER

Tummy, we will forget her,
You and I, at the dinner.
You must avoid the meal she cooked,
I will, my lightweight wiener.

Her highly-tight sweet hollow
Feebly feasting on my platter,
Highlighting a mouth salivating...
Oh, I may remember her!

SCORNED SINNERS AND GENTLE WINNERS
by the "Bloody Single Wench"

Hello, swigger.
Hello, gin.
Good-bye, spirit.
Sot is in!

Hello, hogwash.
Hello, Rap.
Good-bye, widow.
Hello, crap!

Good-bye, pigsty.
Good-bye, punk.
Good-bye, garbage
In a trunk!

Good-bye, partner.
Good-bye, Joe.
Good-bye, Mister.
Bliss, hello!

SEX ["Aah! A Memorable Mouthful!"]
by Arthur Reeve Cockhammer, Heather Aurea Breathehole and Matthew O'Macho-Momma

Welcome! Sensuality
Hello! Abnormality
It's sex, it's sex
That she selects

Go deep, 'Fore I sleep
So deep

Bless you, timely erection
Cure me, from this infection
Intense, pretense
(Aah! I do care!)

Go deep, 'Fore I sleep
So deep

Pornographic publication,
Unadulterated copulation,
Give me wild head;
Libido in my bed,
Vibrator here, ultra-hot red,
Erotic buggery in my bed!

Welcome! Weird variety
Hello! Odd feminity...
No warm rejects;
We all need sex!

Go deep, I'm a creep;
So deep!

Bleep, bleep, bleep, enough, enough! [Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!]

Don Henley and Glenn Frey's
TEQUILA SUNRISE

You will need:
- Two shots of the smoothest tequila
- Unsweetened orange juice
- Dash of grenadine

Pour the tequila (No, no, no, no! Wait! Don't swallow it yet, bombed shameless lush!) then the juice in a glass with ice.

Stir.

Add the grenadine very briskly by just making it run down the back side of a non-standard flat-handled wooden spoon as redness will sink to the bottom then rise slowly through the drink.

The maneuver's now over.

Garnish with stirrer, straw, cherry (No, no, no, no! NOT "sherry," you monstrous, mammoth sot!) and orange slice.

Enjoy the mouthwash, souse!

Ere free intent
Hear bigoted gent.
Yea, dodge a bullet;
Grab a musket.

Oafish to trifle
with a rifle.
Charlton Heston, please
Simply rest in peace.