David Bourke

Anagrammy Awards > Literary Archives > David Bourke

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How The Grinch Stole Christmas!

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot...
But the Grinch, who lived just north of Who-ville, Did NOT!

The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos,
Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew... all the Who girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise!
Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing!

They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Grinch thought of this Who-Christmas-Sing,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop this Christmas from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." The Grinch looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch...? No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"

So he called his dog, Max. Then he took some red thread
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
THEN he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks
On a ramshackle sleigh, and he hitched up old Max.

Then the Grinch said, "Giddap!"
And the sleigh started down
Toward the homes where the Whos
Lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first little house on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Who stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimbley!

Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Whos' feast!
He took the Who-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Who-hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!"
And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.

The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Who daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?"

"You're a foul one Mr. Grinch! You're a nasty wasty skunk!"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took was the log for their fire!
Then he went up the chimney, himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.

"You're a mean one Mr. Grinch!"

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Whos' houses
Leaving crumbs
Much too small
For the other Whos' mouses!

It was quarter past dawn... all the Whos, still a-bed,
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-Pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
Then the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!

He stared down at Who-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well, in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!

And he...
..HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the roast beast!

How The Kraus Became Human

Each Forum member, they loved votes a lot...
'Though The Kraus (and his pet dog) in Rehovot, did NOT!
The Anagrammy charade, which he hated SO much,
These Awards were "rightfully his!" (Hey! Don't touch!)

Hell, it might be that he was genuinely needy,
Most likely, though, that he's just bloody damn greedy!
Ouch! Losing one category hurt beyond measure;
That sweep of nine would he highly treasure!

"Oh, them upstarts are busy!" he'd snarl with a sneer.
"I must hurry! The month end, it's practically here!
That mantelpiece with trophies FULL would be fine,
Thus I must plot some way to win nine out of nine!"

"But how? - How, oh how? - How, mutt? HOW?" The Kraus howled.
"Oh, how may the others' hopes right up be fouled?".
The hound viewed him warily, left a scent trail,
Sniffed, then snuck to the kennel, wagging his tail.

He sighed, plotting... then got an astonishing idea!
"HAH!" - The Kraus GOT A CUNNING, DECEITFUL IDEA!
- 'Though dastardly, low-down, this concept might get
The nine-gongs showdown, on which his mind he'd set!

Giggling, he called: "Here Aronas! Good boy!
What say that we pinch us some 'pooters, then? Oy!
It's high-time to shoot, we've no time to act slow!
Down with that bone, boy! Hey! Showtime! Let's go!"
His faithful henchmongrel's paw in his hand,
He shut Windows, lights out; "Zayt gesunt, Holy Land!"

Incognito, with nodding, obedient pal,
Took forthwith to the night air, flight courtesy El-Al.
First, high-tailed it to Blighty, to London Heathrow,
Lord Nelson... Downing St... to all landmarks he'd go.
Then London to Cardiff (Joe Fathallah's, in fact);
- This quiet little Welshman, his PC re-packed.

Then shot over to Dorset, down a chimneystack slunk.
Woke up a rug-rat, as he crashed with a THUNK!
Caught by a sproglette, up to his knee!
'Twas little JB (Ahhh! Bless!), not quite three.
She thcweamed! How she thcweamed! Then she started to cry:
"Oh, why are you here? Why, oh Santa Kwaus, why?"

The Kraus thought a moment, then he replied:
"Hush hush! You've no firewall! Your drive's open wide!
Ugh!! It's full up with CREEPIES! And CRAWLIES! And WORMS!
No doubt, child, it's out of the guaranteed terms.
Ugh!!! This PC's infected with viruses, dear!
I'll take it away, huh? I'll bring it back clear!"
He patted the child on her pretty, cute head,
Slipped her a brandy and sent her to bed.

Down the rather long highway to Rochester, Kent;
In The Kraus' bag, David Bourke's Medion went.
Then was down the road, downtown Knockholt, thereafter,
Visiting he went, chez Tony Crafter,
(Who was Daily Mail-reading, whilst on the john),
Whoosh! Two seconds flat, Tony's Tiny was gone!

Then Adrian Hickford... then David A. Green...
Their PCs were pilfered, no more to be seen.
But down Horsham, The Kraus had a time highly torrid;
In disgusting Pus covered, quite Stretchy and Horrid!

From England, to "Dr. Neuss" (Hans-Peter Reich),
Whose gadgets he filched, then on his bike.
Then down to Serbia, to Novi Sad,
Where Zoran's PC, oh, how quickly he had!

He went down to Slovenia, to Matjaz Pihler;
Made off with his Dell in a stolen three-wheeler.
Then made a call on Paul Pan, down in Greece,
Of his PC system in order to fleece.

Fast as greased lightning! He just didn't dither,
Went 'round the planet, scheming hither-and-thither!
With stealth, nonetheless - he'd that voting to smash.
How ruthless! How lawless! How heartless! How rash!
He'd turned into a wrong'un, some right little git.
- That's something which even his mom might admit!

he then crsosed the sea suothwards... by spnaish shcooner
donw to waltre newboldt... in tristan da cunha!!!
wtih walts wief anita the kraus had wild sex
then made off in the nihgt with walts sincliar ZX!!!!!!!!

Then, Senor Guiraldes. (Santiago, in Chile.)
- Ernesto's back door was unlocked. (Oh, how SILLY!)
The Kraus crept within. Oh, there IS no thief calmer!
He whipped both Ernie's terminal and his pet llama!

Crossed the Amazon, slithered to Trenton (the States);
Rick Rothstein's big Alien took up two crates!
Then Scott Gardner lost pretty much all his technology:
The Kraus dispossessed him without an apology.

Mikes Mesterton-Gibbons, and Keith? He'd subtracted
From them both their mainframes. (Which he had compacted.)
In Washington State was his next hometown goal,
That's where Rosie Perera's Toshiba he stole.

Toby Gottfried? He's next! (Santa Ana, CA).
- His prized Hewlett-Packard? 'Twas snatched away!
Whilst down Forsyth, Missouri, Chris Doyle was so cross,
That limericks he wrote on his H-P loss.

Paul Lusch (Detroit, Michigan) - his PC was taken.
In time, Jesse Frankovich didn't awaken.
Richard Brodie did wake, found his room wholly bare.
- Swagged, even his Bible! He hadn't a prayer.

Allan Morley, Tom Myers, they'd both something lost,
Then, Matthew O'Dempsey's Dell, next out was tossed.
With his torchlight he went, a cut-throat thief in the night;
Of which, utter thoughtlessness, this was the height!

To Toronto, in Canada... Al Yoshioka,
The theft of his shiny PC was a choker:
"Twas quite irreplaceable! I can't buy or barter,
A piano-black 'Frankenstein' Antec Sonata!"

Australia: Last length of the moonlight world tour;
Richard Grantham's PC, he'd soon own no more!
To Newcastle, New South Wales: Old Larry Brash,
His Apple (Mac G-Three) was picked in a flash!

The Kraus got back, possums, from Oz, the New Year,
Oh shit! NO nominations! How he'd shout! - "OH DEAR!"
Doh! Posting at all he had utterly forgotten!
He'd run right out of time... which he cursed something rotten!

His rivals, (which, it seems, he'd not managed to faze),
All posts, they had then sent from cybercafes!
Instead of nine pieces of silverware shining,
He ran, downcast, 'round Rehovot cussing and whining!

He drunk two half-bottles of gin, with no tonics,
Smoked hash, which helped (not!) with his high histrionics,
With elections not long nigh... but no more the hero,
A duck! Nothing! Nowt! Zip! Zilch! Damn sodding ZERO!

Sloshed, totally sodden, he hissed! How he hissed!
Hic! The whole damn world, truly indignant, he "dissed".
He went downright CRAZY! (Like that Wonderland hatter):
Fuming "this is a rather regrettable matter!"
Hollow, worthless, he'd thought of the HUMILIATION!
Then, aghast, he sat down, in quiet contemplation.

He'd thoroughly considered The Forum of leaving;
Counted nothing to ten (twice!) to steady his breathing.
The cold sweats desisted... the heartbeat subsided,
He long weighed-up his options... to stay he decided.

Then
Instead of angst, hissy-fits, tantrums, and pique,
He found he'd unburdened five years' winning streak.
Thus the pressure of such high expectations had lifted,
- With kosher humility, he had been gifted!

The nightmare was behind him! Oh, hot damn tamale!
The schlemiel knew he'd acted a right proper charlie!
With wisdom of hindsight, lucky not to get caught;
Thankful, "...hindsight's a wonderful thing!" he then thought.

Whoo-hoo!! Liberated! He felt that much better!
He toasted the memory of Mr Daniel F. Etter.
Sure, he must still be the world's Number One,
But now that damn pressure was off, he'd have FUN!

He sang the Mey-song, then he danced the Mey-dance,
Then he thought that he'd slow down, hand the others a chance;
"Beginning with this month, we shall have equal voice!",
Then The Kraus...
HE HIMSELF picked "Awardmaster's Choice"!

(After this year's voting, though, one thing to say:
From all of us this month. That's "Mazeltov, Mey!")

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Updated: May 10, 2016


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