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Ernie Eats Cookies In Bed
a skit starring Ernie (Jim Henson) and Bert (Frank Oz)
(Ernie and Bert are in their beds. Bert is asleep and Ernie
is snacking on cookies from a plate on his lap.)
BERT (rolls over and sits up in bed): Ernie?
ERNIE: Yes, Bert?
BERT: Oh, Ernie, what are you doing with those cookies in
bed, huh?
ERNIE: Oh, the cookies? Well, I was just hungry, Bert, so
I thought I'd have a few cookies before I went to sleep.
BERT: Ernie, Ernie, don't eat those cookies while you're in
your bed, huh?
ERNIE: Why not, Bert?
BERT: Because you'll get crumbs in the sheets, that's why.
ERNIE: Gee, Bert, I'll get crumbs in the sheets? (He lifts
the blanket to look for crumbs in the sheets.)
BERT: Yeah, Ernie, and if there are crumbs in the sheets,
they'll get in your pajamas.
ERNIE: Oooo, crumbs in my pajamas, Bert?
BERT: Yeah, yeah, Ernie, and if you get crumbs in your pajamas,
they'll make you itch. You know that.
ERNIE: Oh, I don't like to itch, Bert.
BERT: No, and if you itch, you won't be able to sleep, Ernie.
So don't do it, okay? Good night. (Goes back to sleep.)
ERNIE: Oh, gee, if I eat the cookies in bed, I'll get crumbs
in my sheets. (A crumb falls into his sheets.) And if I get crumbs
in the sheets, I'll get crumbs in my pajamas. (Feels a crumb
in his pajamas.) And if I get crumbs in my pajamas, I'll itch!
(Scratches himself.) And I won't be able to sleep! (Gets up,
carrying the plate of cookies.) Oh, Bert, thank you so much for
stopping me from eating cookies in my bed!
BERT: Alright, Ernie. Just... just go to bed, though, okay?
ERNIE: Okay. And I'm never going to eat cookies in my bed
again!
BERT: Okay, good. (Ernie starts getting into Bert's bed with
the cookies.) Ernie? What are you doing?
ERNIE: I'm gonna eat cookies in your bed, Bert. Move over.
(Begins eating them as Bert sighs loudly.)
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Ernie Bashes The Bishop In Bed
(Ernie and Bert are in bed. Bert is asleep. Ernie is making
a brisk, obscene motion beneath a sheet, moaning softly.)
BERT (sits up): Ernie?
ERNIE: Yes, Bert?
BERT: Oh, Ernie, what for fuck's sake are you doing, huh?
ERNIE: I am just playing with Rubber Duckie before I tuck
in.
BERT: Jesus, Ernie, go jerk your salami in the john like everyone
else.
ERNIE: Um, I think Elmo is in the john at the moment. (Sounds
of Elmo in orgasmic ecstasy seep into the room.)
BERT: Bugger it, use the balcony then. Just don't bash the
bishop in bed, OK?
ERNIE: Why not, Bert?
BERT: 'Cause you'll get cum in your sheets.
ERNIE: Gee, cum in my sheets? (Looks closely at the fabric
for blobs of jism.)
BERT: Yeah, Ernie, if there is jism in your sheets you're
going to be sleeping in a wet patch and getting cum in your crack
too.
ERNIE: Oooo, cum in my crack???
BERT: Yeah, it ain't too comfortable. It's all moist and greasy,
then goes sorta dry and crackly. Tough to sleep in these conditions.
ERNIE: Sounds unbearable, Bert.
BERT: Anyway, Ernie, jacking off is a disgusting habit. Don't
do it again, OK?
ERNIE: Gee, Bert, is that so?
BERT: Yeah, stick with casual blowjobs. Cookie Monster gives
great head and is up for anything after a dozen cocktails.
ERNIE: What is his number?
BERT: I'll tell you at the end of the show. Go to bed, Ernie.
(He goes back to sleep.)
ERNIE: Oh gee, if I do the Pigeon in bed I'll have cream on
my sheets. If I have cream on my sheets it'll go up my arse too,
like after the threesomes we had with Maria, and I won't be able
to sleep. Oh, Bert, I am so happy you stopped me! (Leaves his
bed, heads toward Bert's.)
BERT: What are you doing?
ERNIE: I'm going to choke the chicken in your bed, Bert.
BERT (kinky grin): That's more like it! (Turns out his light.)
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