Richard Grantham

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Original text in yellow, anagram in pink.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,
Towering over your head.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,
And she's gone.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain
Where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies,
Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,
That grow so incredibly high.
Newspaper taxis appear on the shore,
Waiting to take you away.
Climb in the back with your head in the clouds,
And you're gone.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Picture yourself on a train in a station,
With plasticine porters with looking glass ties,
Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile,
The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Lucy in the sky with diamonds.

Imagine yourself with a band called the Beatles
You're Masters of Earth - now where to from here?
Eagerly, people await a new album,
They'll buy it, no matter how queer:
You can wear colourful ill-fitting suits,
Stand between photos and sneer.
You can take acid then play utter shit -
So you do!

O, lysergic acid diethylamide.

Then the experiments start to go weirder
As taking a tab seems perfectly fine:
Tracks feature walruses, piggies, and monkeys -
Eventually, "Revolution Nine"...
You sink in deeper then start to see sharks
Gangbanging Ringo all day.
Little white whores kick his penis, which splits -
How he yells!

O, lysergic acid diethylamide.

"Why do your shoes speak so horridly, owl-son?
I unpolish a soapy rope - shove it in how?
How I wish ripe kooky fish would not rain down -
In horror I swoon! Nose thrown now..."

O, lysergic acid diethylamide.

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Monty Python's Penis Song

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis!
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong!
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick!
So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock -
But don't take it out in public
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

Isn't it very nice to own a beaver!
Isn't it good to own such a horny cunt!
I say, it's nice to have a kipper,
So superb to own your mott,
From the snuggest furry bike rack
To a great wide Tardis twat!
So, "Hip hip" for your Jenny or front bottom,
Bravo for your cheesy bacon flaps,
Your downy checkbook, honey-pot,
Your lettuce or your slit,
You can pile it full of candles
While you fiddle with your clit -
Still, don't lick in it during 'rag week'
(It is sick! I'd need to spit),
If you ask (holy heck!) I rise -
To flee!

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A poem by Australian poet Redmond Phillips.

BUTCHERS

i was in the boy scouts once
they gave me a hatchet
an axe
a tomahawk
a chopper
call it what you will
they gave me one
quite new
a sharp edge
a present from the scoutmaster

the older fellows
chopped down trees
with theirs
split kindling wood
made pegs
posts
hurdles and huts
and the scoutmaster said
jolly good show chaps

that was the day i showed alistair mcwhidden
how to play
butchers
put your hand on that block
alistair i said
i'll be the butcher
he did
and I chopped all his fingers off
the scoutmaster was genuinely distressed

CHOP CHOP

when the rash parents presented me
with a machete
a cleaver
a humungous knife
et cetera
tempered
whetted
so bright
so shiny
so heavy
i squealed ecstatically

sensed i was supposed to try
wholesome outdoors tasks
with the blade
camping
cutting woods
such things
such odd, odd shit
so sad
how dull
how dreary

instead i taught larry brash
a sweet sport called
bobbitts
whop the old chap out
chuck him on that wattle stump
larry i explained
i play lorena
and he went right ahead
so i sliced his john wayne off
gaile was a little miffed

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My Favourite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Cream coloured ponies and crisp apple strudels,
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles,
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
Silver white winters that melt into springs,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad!

Tickling and prodding of nipples with feathers,
Dungeons with handcuffs and razors and leathers,
Gadgets with rubberised bits we don't see -
These are my fantasies. Try some with me!

Items like dildos, free grope-toys, grand sonnets,
Very weird pebbles, porn, even frayed bonnets,
Windowsills, ovens, a brush for the loo -
These are my fantasies. Help them come true!

Gerbils in arseholes, rammed in with fire hoses,
Arsefucking llamas whilst picking their noses,
Nuns who like wrestling on vats of wet poo -
These are my fantasies. Try not to spew...

When a whip mauls,
When the rats bite,
When the toothpaste stings,
I'll leap on my llama and wedge it in tight -
We love fetishistic things!

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Updated: May 10, 2016


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