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1
Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according
unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2
Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my
sin.
3
For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before
me.
4
Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in
thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest,
and be clear when thou judgest.
5
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive
me.
6
Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden
part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall
be whiter than snow.
8
Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast
broken may rejoice.
9
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within
me.
11
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit
from me.
12
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with
thy free spirit.
13
Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be
converted unto thee.
14
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation:
and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15
O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy
praise.
16
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest
not in burnt offering.
17
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite
heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
18
Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls
of Jerusalem.
19
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they
offer bullocks upon thine altar.
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1
Are you there, God? It's me, David.
2
I did a terrible thing, Lord, and I'm most ashamed.
3
Oh boy, I'm contrite.
4
Jesus Christ I'm sorry! I'm even going for the whole sack-cloth-and-ashes
bit.
5
Mind you, I'm not totally clear on just what it is I'm supposed
to have done. But the prophet Nathan told me I'd offended you
or something, and he's usually quite right about this sort of
thing.
6
Though all I did was to spy this pretty chick in her bath, seduce
her, impregnate her, then arrange this nifty military manoeuvre
which got her gormless jerk of a husband killed off. Come now,
surely most people would do the same!
7
It can't be the added wife thing. Hell, look at Solomon - THREE
HUNDRED of them, PLUS seven hundred damn concubines! Quite the
Don Juan.
8
And no, I don't think I can be accused of adultery - it's not
as if Bathsheba was married for very long, hey now?
9
Murder? Nonsense, nonsense! It was some sodding Hezbollah guys
who killed that dense ninny Uriah, not nasty old me! Sheesh!
10
So I felt perfectly fine with all this - but not Nathan. No,
the senile old fart came up to me and then started ranting some
nonsense about... a sheep, I think... well, whatever it was,
it appears this sinner's done something incredibly naughty. As
a result of which my son by her is going to snuff it.
11
Quite a bummer, hey! Still, we can just make more children -
this part's rather fun, y'know. (Though sort of messy.)
12
Anyway, Miserere mei and all that (or however that fucking
psalm goes, I forget for now). I'm here grovelling in the fetid
dirt, hoping Your Serene Highness isn't too pissed off with me.
'Cos that'd be really annoying.
13
You still there, God? I'm hoping you heard all this, because
I'm just off to shaft the horny bint now and this time I want
to do it with a clear conscience.
14
See you tomorrow night then. Love, Dave.
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