In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon
the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face
of the waters.
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the
light from the darkness.
And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night.
And the evening and the morning were the first day.
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters,
and let it divide the waters from the waters.
And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were
under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament:
and it was so.
And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the
morning were the second day.
And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together
unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together
of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding
seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose
seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after
his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself,
after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
And the evening and the morning were the third day.
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven
to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs,
and for seasons, and for days, and years:
And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to
give light upon the earth: and it was so.
And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the
day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars
And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light
upon the earth,
And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the
light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving
creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth
in the open firmament of heaven.
And God created great whales, and every living creature that
moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their
kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that
it was good.
And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and
fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after
his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth
after his kind: and it was so.
And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle
after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth
after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness:
and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over
the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth,
and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created
he him; male and female created he them.
And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and
multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion
over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over
every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed,
which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the
which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be
And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air,
and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there
is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.
And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was
very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host
And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made;
and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had
And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that
in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
Hi, God here.
It'd seem that thou art reading my novel, and for that deed I'd
like to give thee thanks. However, there art three or five trifling
mistakes that hath emerged as I was dictating (damn, I'd give
my firstborn for a decent personal assistant).
And in particular, the dated garbage about making the universe
in a week. A darned fine read I'd have to admit, heh, but flawed.
Heed my words, thou oughtn't treat that as gospel.
Instead, it hath started with The Godhead hanging eternally high
in heaven, and bored absolutely shitless. Gad, 'twas dead dreary!
Having never-ending praise sung highly all day by the annoying
darned seraphim and daft sodding cherubim. Couldn't write a decent
song even to save their overweight little asses. Heh, thank Christ
that Bach hath made it here when he died and hath thoroughly
taught them harmony and counterpoint, or we might have converted
to Shinto by now.
Dear me, I'm getting off the thread.
There I was, fed up, all-knowing and all-needing-a-rest, and
I merely sat down and made a few things one day. Heh, less than
that - more like several trillionths of a second, really.
In the first trillionth, with a hefty great bang, I arranged
the fundamental laws of the universe - gravitation, electromagnetism
and the nuclear forces; the laws of thermodynamics; a dimension
of time and three of space (I tend toward the number three for
some odd reason, heh heh); and a variety of highly esoteric hidden
laws, largely involving the flight-path of bits of fresh-buttered
Then in the second, I added all the matter that hath ever existed.
And the third? I deftly hid the antimatter that had emerged along
the way - so for the Ph.D egg-head scientists who were wondering,
that's where it went.
The fourth involved dragging me frigging derrière out
of the sodding way, fast!
And after that, 'twas merely sitting down and letting everything
happen, watching what the hell went on. And heh, let me tell
thee, most of the events hath been highly dang entertaining.
The formation of the United States for a start. And VD.
Not forgetting Eurovision, geese, the S-bend, the fridge, the
daft head of Virgin, the hash brown, the Volvo, ginger wine,
the Fender, hymens, the French, Donald Duck, herpes, the ferret,
and Australian men.
A few times, though, I have decided to interfere. Whenever flares
were the fad, for instance. And when that daft and demented fascist
tried to take over the Earth and darned near managed - gad, what
was he called? Something with an H, I think.
Ah yeah, heh, that's right. William H. Gates.
However, it hath not all been Good News. I have heard here and
there that the name of the Godhead hath been invoked to validate
all manner of harsh deeds, horrid flawed views and odd agendas
- darned wars, the hanging and burning to death of alleged heretics
and those that differed, and the odd holocaust. That kind of
thing. Gad, dead dudes everywhere.
And the Galileo thing - dear dear, very naughty. (I'd
add that I've ensured that the darned pope to blame for that
gaffe's now frying, the doddering old dickhead.)
Well, I'd have to declare that that wasn't what was intended
in the least. (Another fucking heap of odd typos embedded within
Leviticus initiated that damned shameful trend.) And I'd like
to add now that a trifle more "love thy neighbour"
deeds and fewer "trash and annihilate thy dang neighbour
and heave his dead body down a sewer afterwards" deeds might
be a start.
Gad, that death stuff gets me pissed off bad these days. 'Twas
dead entertaining to start - but I have matured a bit since then,
heh heh, heh heh.
Whatever. Heed these words and, er, do good deeds and stuff.
Have a lot of fresh vegetables, and help dear old deaf Grandad
in the garden. End hatred. And use a condom. I dunno, read the
book and it might help thee. Heh, whatever.
Enough from me, eh? Time I sodded off.
Thanks for heeding, and remember, er, climb every mountain and
whatever. Heh. Night night. See thee at Armageddon.
Thine for ever and ever,
God (the Dad).
P.S. The Son and the Ghost said hi.
P.P.S. It's true that I can make a stone that gets too dang heavy
for me to lift! The dandy deed involves relative motion: I do
get the stone high off the earth - however, given that I'm omnipresent
and infinite the darn thing doesn't really move relative to me.
Ta dah! Perfectly straightforward, heh!
If any of thee were wondering.