Tony Crafter

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Original text in yellow, anagram in pink.

An anonymous 19th-century rhyme.

While I was laying on the green,
A little book it chanced I seen;
'Carlyle's Essay On Burns', was named the edition:
I left it laying in the same position.

Lying in the field o' grass,
With El', a bonny college lass;
A wee hit-tome by chance I seen;
'Kama Sutra' was the edition:
I tried all ninety-nine positions.

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He comes not with a clamorous gush,
Nor with defiant echoing rush;
With voiceless footfall on the floor,
He comes to stay - the bore, the bore!

His voice is soft as unbaked bread,
And softer than his voice, his head;
His talk, it is flatter than the floor;
But yet he stays - the bore, the bore!

On those far-off days of our honeymoon,
With bright Buffie's laughter smitten;
Oh I loved her late oh I loved her soon,
Oh I called her the cutest kitten.

But that fair kittie's become a cross cat,
As cross as the other wives;
Och, by the oath old honest Bob,
I swear that she has nine lifes!

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One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets, other times there was only one.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
When suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could only see one set of prints.
So I said to the Lord:
"You promised me my Lord,
That if I followed thee,
You would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of prints in the sand.
Why, dear Lord, when you were needed the most, have you not been there for me?"
The Lord replied:
"Ah, but the years when you have only seen one pair of footprints, my dear son - that's when I was carrying you."

Two monks, wandering through the woods, came upon a beautiful courtesan by a flooded stream. As they'd sworn vows of celibacy, the younger man ignored her and went off across the torrent.
Upon seeing that the weepy woman could not safely ford it herself, the older man lifted her in his arms, went over it too, and lowered her onto the bank opposite.
She smiled her thanks and set off.
The young man seethed inwardly. How could he? Did his vows mean nothing? Yet his 'wise' friend seemed to show no remorse. Eerie!
Finally, he could stand it no more. Eye-to-eye, he wept, "O, how could thee forfeit thy belief, thy sincerity; where is thy piety?"
The older man seemed a little surprised at this ire, then smiled, with a softness of spirit in his wise eyes.
"A fool, am I? But I'm no longer carrying her, my boy... Are YOU?"

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There was a young babe from Skravire,
Who succumbed to her sweetheart's desire;
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Would you push it a few inches higher!"

There was a mute monk in Tinthire,
Who fought this salacious desire;
And its obvious cause,
Was the abbesses' drawers,
Which were hung up to dry by the fire!

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A poem by Spike Milligan.

Libster Lobster
Labster Lee,
Living in
The deep blue sea.

Libster Lobster
Where are you?
Gone to lunch -
(Back at two).

(Spike Milligan's quaint ode)

Belligerent Bush,
Gullible Blair,
Vile, repellent,
Shameless pair.

Where's our boys?
Stuck in Iraq;
Gone to die -
(Won't be back).

(Tale To Detestation)

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PERFORMER-DUO LIMERICKS:

"My bride she's no virgin," said Plening,
"For she gave me one hell of a draining;
Her up and down thrusts
Could be mere sexual lust,
But her circular action - that's training!"

LIMERICK - VAIN BIANNCA:

Biannca, in spite of wide rumors,
Could only have sex in her bloomers,
Till a rigger named Nusset
Drilled right through her gusset,
And tapped her for future consumers!

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Updated: May 10, 2016


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