Tony Crafter

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Original text in yellow, anagram in pink.

Running Scared
by
Roy Orbison

Just runnin' scared, each place we go,
So afraid that he might show.
Yeah, runnin' scared, what would I do,
If he came back and wanted you?

Just runnin' scared, feelin' low,
Runnin' scared, you love him so.
Just runnin' scared, afraid to lose,
If he came back which one would you choose?

Then all at once he was standing there,
So sure of himself, his head in the air,
My heart was breaking, which one would it be?
You turned around and walked away with me!

Running Scared
by
Tony Liar

Just runnin' scared, wild-eyed with woe,
So afraid, the truth may show;
Ah runnin' scared, can I face the shame?
I took hush-hush cash, for Peerage names.

Just runnin' scared, will I go down?
It wasn't me, blame Gordon Brown!
Just runnin' scared, I feel abused,
If I should lie, who can I accuse?

One day a knock came heavy on our door,
It was the hand of our feeble English law,
My head was achin', which one would it be?
They turned around and took away Cherie!

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HAPPY XMAS (WAR IS OVER)

(Happy Xmas Kyoko
Happy Xmas Julian)

So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Xmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over, if you want it
War is over now

Happy Xmas

HAPPY XMAS (AND SO TO WAR)

("Yo-ho-ho! Happy day-off Tony!"
"Have a happy one too, George")

So this is Xmas
And what have we done?
We got hothead Saddam,
To name only one.
So let us be joyous
And join hand in hand
To root out Bin Laden,
As soon as we can.

A very Merry Xmas
And a Happy New fear
Iran, North Korea,
We'll get you next year.

And so this is Xmas
A Christian Feast,
Forget that upheaval
In the Middle East;
And so happy Xmas
The payoff's now nigh,
For the axis of evil,
Though thousands may die.

A very Merry Xmas
And a Happy New fear,
Iran, North Korea,
We'll get you next year.

And so this is Xmas
And what have we done?
We've ended oppression,
A thousand hearts won.
And so happy Xmas,
Enjoy every hour,
And be very grateful
We're here and in power.

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New fear,
Iran, North Korea,
We'll get you next year.

Worship US, worship UK,
Worship US now.

Have fun today, troops!

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JIVE TALKIN'
by
Barry, Maurice and Robin Gibb

Its just your jive talkin'
You're telling me lies, yeah
Jive talkin'
You wear a disguise
Jive talkin'
So misunderstood, yeah
Jive talkin'
You really no good

Oh, my child
You'll never know
Just what you mean to me
Oh, my child
You got so much
You're gonna take away my energy

With all your jive talkin'
You're telling me lies, yeah
Good lovin'
Still gets in my eyes
Nobody believes what you say
Its just your jive talkin'
That gets in the way

Oh my love
You're so good
Treating me so cruel
There you go
With your fancy lies
Leavin me lookin
Like a dumbstruck fool
With all your

Jive talkin'
You're telling me lies, yeah
Jive talkin'
You wear a disguise
Jive talkin'
So misunderstood, yeah
Jive talkin'
You just ain't no good

Love talkin'
Is all very fine, yeah
Jive talkin'
Just isn't a crime
And if there's somebody
You'll love till you die
Then all that jive talkin'
Just gets in your eye

Jive talkin'
You're telling me lies, yeah
Good lovin'
Still gets in my eyes
Nobody believes what you say
It's just your jive talkin'
That gets in the way

Love talkin'
Is all very fine, yeah
Jive talkin', just isn't a crime
And if there's somebody
You'll love till you die
Then all that jive talkin'
Just gets in your eye

TALKIN' JIVE
by
"Yo Tone" Bliar

You say I'm freeloadin'?
You talkin' jive!
Me an' Cherie
Like livin' our lives,
Eat out in style,
We just lay in the sun,
In Bee Gee Robin's villa,
- The guy is such fun!

Yes, you'll
Never know
Just what it really cost,
Jugglin' jumbo-jet
Voyages to Miami,
I'll very likely see a loss!

Don't talk of scroungin',
It ain't my bag,
I like good green livin'
- Just like Johnny Two-Jags;
You should never ever,
Believe all those lies,
- I ain't too greedy,
You just talkin' jive!

You, you, you'll never know,
The guilt that I go thru,
Yes I'd easily donate
My full holiday rate
Yet my host just won't let me
(I don't like to refuse);
I don't like...

Free livin'
You just talkin' trash,
Me an' Cherie
Just value our cash,
Okay, I'm star-struck
That I won't deny
But I ain't very greedy,
You just talkin' jive!

Easy joyridin'
Is what they'll say,
I guess they're jealous
'bout every global holiday,
Yes, it ain't easy
To juggle my time,
But I go anyway,
To save me a dime

Yo, joy-killer!
You killing my glee
No talkin' jive,
Or no knighthood you'll see!
Don't go dissin'
My lovely, lovely Cherie,
See, the lady's more than
A woman to me!

Joy! Livin' like royalty
Without a holiday bill!
(As Saddam Hussein
In jail was killed)
Hey you!
No more jive talkin',
Jive talkin' at me!
Viva Tony!
Viva Cherie!

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OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING
Words and Music
by
Rodgers and Hammerstein

There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
There's a bright golden haze on the meadow,
The corn is as high as an elephant's eye,
An' it looks like it's climbin' clear up to the sky.

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.

All the cattle are standin' like statues,
All the cattle are standin' like statues,
They don't turn their heads as they see me ride by,
But a little brown mav'rick is winkin' her eye.

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.

All the sounds of the earth are like music,
All the sounds of the earth are like music,
The breeze is so busy it don't miss a tree,
And a ol' weepin' willer is laughin' at me!

Oh, what a beautiful mornin',
Oh, what a beautiful day,
I got a beautiful feelin'
Ev'rything's goin' my way.
Oh, what a beautiful day.

G. Bush (All the pictures coloured in, unaided, by him).

There's a bright flashin' bomb in the desert,
There's a bright flashin' bomb in the desert,
Dead martyrs fly high as a camel's right eye,
And it looks like smoke's coiling high up in the sky.

Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get a beautiful feelin'
We're gonna win it, I'm sure.

Ha! That Tony he acts like a statue,
Ha! That Tony he acts like a statue,
But I've got the balls and I've got the pizazz,
And clearly I've got them like no other has.

Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get a beautiful feelin'
We're gonna win it, I'm sure.

Oh the enemy's all scared as Hell,
Oh the enemy's all scared as Hell,
Though thousands'll die on an overseas shore
They'd know I don't take any shit any more.

Yo what a beautiful mornin',
Yo what a beautiful war,
I get one beautiful feelin'
I'm winning it, I am damn sure.
Yo what a beautiful war!

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MULL OF KINTYRE
( Paul McCartney)

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre

Far have I travelled, and much have I seen
Dark distant mountains with valleys of green
Past painted deserts, the sun sets on fire
As he carries me home to, the Mull of Kintyre

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre

Sweep through the heather, like deer in the glen
Carry me back to the days I knew then
Nights when we sang like a heavenly choir
Of the life and the times of, the Mull of Kintyre

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre

Smiles in the sunshine and tears in the rain
Still take me back where my memories remain
Flickering embers grow higher and higher
As they carry me back to, the Mull of Kintyre

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh Mull of Kintyre

Mull of Kintyre oh mist rolling in from, the sea
My desire, is always to be here,
Oh, Mull of Kintyre

SHARK ON THE KILL
(Sir Paul McCartney)

Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.

In My Life the Beatles meant so much to me,
Lennon/McCartney, we made history,
But then I became a soft Fool On The Hill,
When I married unsmiling, one-legged Ms Mills.

Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.

My life with nice Linda was blissfully pure,
One fine, funny Magical Mystery Tour,
Yet my Lovely Linda died prematurely
Then that feminine shark came by sniffing Money.

Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill.

I smile in the floodlight yet fume in the dark,
As memory returns of my life with The Shark,
And festering fury is filling my heart,
On recalling my time with one sly, slutty tart.

Cunning Ms Mills, is tormenting me so skillfully,
She's no good; her heart, like her leg,
Is pure Norwegian Wood.

Shark on the Kill, is what you are Heather to me,
My desire, is ever to be free, from Shark on the Kill

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THAT'S AMORE
by
Dean Martin

(In Napoli where love is King
When boy meets girl, here's what they say)

When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine
That's amore
Bells will ring ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool joost-a like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet,
You're in love
When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreamin', signore
'Scusami, but you see, back in old Napoli, that's amore

When the moon hits your eye like a big-a pizza pie,
That's amore
When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine,
That's amore
Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling
And you'll sing "Vita bella"
Hearts will play tippi-tippi-tay, tippi-tippi-tay
Like a gay tarantella

When the stars make you drool just like pasta fazool
That's amore
When you dance down the street with a cloud at your feet
You're in love
When you walk in a dream
But you know you're not dreaming, signore
'Scusami, but you see back in old Napoli, that's amore (amore)
That's amore

SOPHIA LOREN - AN ITALIAN INSTITUTION

(Sophia was born pipe-thin in a poor Naples backstreet. She is now a voluptuous, wealthy woman; thanks to spaghetti and Carlo Ponti!)

When I saw your young face, wow it made my heart race,
Bella Loren;
And that dazzling smile, oh you just had such style,
Bella Loren;
Birdies sing, sing-a-ling-a-ling, love-a was-a King,
Then my head went-a dizzy,
And your laugh, la-ti-ta-ti-ta, la-ti-ta-ti-ta,
Was like Asti, so fizzy.

When I tooka you to bed, I knew then we musta wed,
Bella Loren,
Yet it coulda not be so, I was married although
Not in love.
In my movies you starred, although it was hard to ignore, when,
I coulda not make you mine, have you here all the time,
Bella Loren.

Then, at last, happily, you're 'Signora Ponti'!
Bella Loren,
They say, "Tut! Bigamy!" you musta leave Italy,
Bella Loren.
Yet we sing, ting-a-ling-a-ting, ting-a-ling-a-ling,
As we eat tortellini!
Our hearts skip, skip-a-skippy-skip, skip-a-skippy-skip,
Like two happy bambini.

Glee, contentment and joy, they were ours to employ
Mi amore,
We were ok, complete, with the world at our feet,
And in love
Though my health seeped away,
You keepa true through each day,
Mi amore;
I will waita here for you till eternity's through, mi amore,
Mi amore!

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MOTHER'S LAMENT

A mother was washing her baby one night;
The youngest of ten and a delicate mite.
The mother was poor and the baby was thin;
ÔTwas naught but a skeleton covered with skin.

The mother turned Ôround for a soap off the rack;
She was only a moment but when she turned back
Her baby had gone, and in anguish she cried,
"Oh, where has my baby gone?" The angels replied:

"Oh, your baby has gone down the plughole,
Oh, your baby has gone down the plughole.
The poor little thing was so skinny and thin,
He should have been washed in a jug, in a jug.

Your baby is perfectly happy;
He won't need a bath anymore;
He's a-muckin' about with the angels above,
Not lost but gone before."

A PM LAMENT

As Blair rubber-stamped a new Act that May night,
(Letting anyone do ... hell, whatever they like!)
He heard foamy bubblin', babblin' sounds,
And he saw that the room was a-goin' around.

Water through windows was gushin' in fast,
Ten wet backbenchers bobbed by on a raft,
They were spinnin' a-just like a washin' machine,
He said, "Ho-hum! What's up?" Then he heard angels sing:

"Oh, your country has gone down the plughole,
Oh, your country has gone down the plughole,
The feeble estate just sunk under the weight,
You've broken its backbone, oh boy, oh boy.

England has gone to the dogs, ha!
Bye bye to that happy shore,
It has gone deep 'neath the foam, oh my,
And gone forever more."

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"I never asked my boys to work on holidays, except maybe once. On St Valentine's Day." (Edward G. Robinson as Big Jim in Robin and the Seven Hoods)

"Oh boy, one thing I never mentioned; their job wasn't exactly spreading cosy love and kisses. More ... brains and bad news, I'd say. OK, nobody move!"

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There is no great genius without some touch of madness.

In neurosis, admit we see much greatness of thought, too.

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"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?" (Robert Browning)

Thus, he can harbour dreams of having snob-cars, or raw sex with a Page-Three blonde!

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Updated: May 10, 2016


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