Anagrammy Award Winners - 2014

Anagrammy Awards » Winners » 2014

Here are all the winners of Anagrammy Awards in 2014. All anagrams have been checked for accuracy by the Anagrammy Checker.

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

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January 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Ed Pegg Jr with:
    Money is the root of all evil =
    Some love the irony of it all.
  • 2nd place:
    Meyran Kraus with:
    High number at IQ test? =
    The man's quite bright!
  • 3rd place:
    Dharam Khalsa with:
    Acute bronchitis ~
    in thoracic tubes.
• Entertainment Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones =
  The aged men still sing rock jargon.
• Topical Category:
  
Meyran Kraus with:
Ariel Sharon is dead =
Oh dear... sad in Israel.
• People's Name Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The notorious Lance Edward Armstrong =
  A man with a record no longer so trusted.
• Other Name Category:
  Christopher Sturdy with:
  The Dyson Airblade =
  i.e. able to dry hands
• Medium Length Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The Best of 2013
  
  1. Pope Francis
  2. Nuclear deal with Iran
  3. Rob Ford stories
  4. Capital punishment is now in decline
  5. The film 'Gravity'.
  =
  The Worst of 2013
  
  1. Horrid fate of the Philippines
  2. Mandela mourned
  3. Syria conflict
  4. Cunning NSA wiretaps
  5. Bieber still active.
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Adie Pena with:
  "Logic will get you from A to B; imagination will take you everywhere." Albert Einstein
  =
  Creativity will bring me to any life, to anywhere I like, allowing me to be outrageous.
• Long Category:
  1st - Meyran Kraus with:
  [I see that the poor kid that answered these dumb questions got a zero on his test... I think that kid is brilliant!]
  
  Q: What is the main reason for divorce
  A: Marriage.
  
  Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
  A: At the bottom.
  
  Q: How can you lift an elephant with only one hand?
  A: It must be easy if it only has one hand.
  
  Q: How would you go many days without sleeping much?
  A: I'll sleep at night.
  
  ~
  
  Q: In which battle did Napoleon Bonaparte die?
  A: His last battle.
  
  Q: The Mississippi flows in which state?
  A: Liquid state.
  
  Q: It took eight men three years to complete the Washington Monument. How many years would it take fourteen men to do this?
  A: Zero, since it's already built.
  
  Q: If you had eight oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
  A: Freaky clown hands.
  
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place: 1st - Meyran Kraus with:
    THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
    
    'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
    Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
    The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
    In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
    
    The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
    While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
    And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
    Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
    
    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
    Away to the window I flew like a flash,
    Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
    
    The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
    Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
    When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
    
    With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
    I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
    More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
    And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
    
    "Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
    On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
    To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
    Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
    
    As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
    When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
    So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
    With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
    
    And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
    The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
    As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
    Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
    
    He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
    And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
    A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
    And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
    
    His eyes - how they twinkled! His dimples how merry!
    His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
    His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
    And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
    
    The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
    And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;
    He had a broad face and a little round belly,
    That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
    
    He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
    And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
    A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
    Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
    
    He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
    And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
    And laying his finger aside of his nose,
    And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
    
    He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
    And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
    But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:
    "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
    
    =
    
    THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
    
    'Twas the day after Christmas when Santa returned
    As there was a small thing that he wanted to learn:
    How his former short visit affected them all!
    He wished to see people just having a ball.
    
    He looked at each window in one vivid town...
    But his chipper mood died and he wore a grave frown.
    He saw no high spirits, not one celebration -
    Those people were NOT full of Christmas elation.
    
    They sat in each home with their faces all gray,
    And stared at their Wiis and their iPhones all day.
    The zombified children gaped blankly and drooled
    While playing the new Candy Crush or Bejeweled.
    
    They saw pets on Youtube (neglecting their own);
    Each finger ran furiously on a phone...
    This horror was harming their bodies and minds
    And their dolls and hobbies were now left behind!
    
    St. Nick had enough! He was mad, mad as hell!
    He rushed to his workshop and, furious, yelled:
    "Just what are those hellish machines you call 'toys'?
    It hurts the poor kids! You're supposed to bring joy!
    
    "From now on, the dang things that whiff of high-tech
    Shall just go through me, for a personal check.
    I'll fix this phenomenon once and for all..."
    But Santa was wrong. This was not a good call.
    
    When he used one iPhone, he was really hooked!
    He sat gaping at Kindles with Stephen King books;
    He Tweeted and Flickred well into the night
    And Instagrammed selfies in chic black-and-white.
    
    After many months, Christmas was nigh yet again -
    But Santa still hadn't come out of his den!
    His worried elves knew Santa had to be weaned:
    It was time to unplug him from all his machines.
    
    They tied him with sashes and one fluffy bow
    While Santa was shaking there from head to toe;
    They had him drink milk until they were all sure
    That Santa, their hero, was finally cured.
    
    But he had an idea! Oh, he wasn't quite through.
    "My dear elves", he said, "there's one thing I should do."
    He showed them the mainframes he wanted to hack
    And then he commanded which ones to attack:
    
    "Now Samsung! Now Sony! Now Apple! Now Dell!
    Now LG and Nokia! Now AOL!
    Upload all those viruses! Knock the lines down!
    It is high time we took out the techies in town!"
    
    And it worked! Everybody then shouted "Hurray"...
    And something unusual happened that day.
    With no wi-fi available in the whole place,
    People actually started to talk FACE TO FACE!
    
    The kids walked outside for the first time in days
    Then, lo and behold - THEY ALL STARTED TO PLAY!
    They ran in the parks, throwing snowballs with glee -
    In short, they were being what children should be.
    
    Now Santa was chuffed to the hundredth degree:
    Both this town and himself were completely tech-free.
    There was no single hellish device in his base...
    Except for his iPad. You know, just in case.
  • 2nd place: Tony Crafter with:
    THE BOXER
    By
    Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel
    
    I am just a poor boy
    Though my story's seldom told
    I have squandered my resistance
    For a pocket full of mumbles such are promises
    All lies and jests
    Still a man hears what he wants to hear
    And disregards the rest
    
    When I left my home and my family
    I was no more than a boy
    In the company of strangers
    In the quiet of the railway station running scared
    Laying low, seeking out the poorer quarters
    Where the ragged people go
    Looking for the places only they would know
    
    (Lie la lie ... )
    
    Asking only workman's wages
    I come looking for a job
    But I get no offers,
    Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
    I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
    I took some comfort there
    
    (Lie la lie ... )
    
    And I'm laying out my winter clothes
    And wishing I was gone
    Going home
    Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me
    Bleeding me, going home
    
    In the clearing stands a boxer
    And a fighter by his trade
    And he carries the reminders
    Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
    Or cut him till he cried out
    In his anger and his shame
    "I am leaving, I am leaving"
    But the fighter still remains
    
    (Lie la lie ...)
    =
    
    THE GREATEST
    Muhammad Ali
    (An American Superstar)
    
    I'm the former fighter,
    Cassius Marcellus Clay,
    I was raised, with one kid brother,
    By ma 'n' pa in Louisville, Kentucky, USA,
    I always knew
    I'd emerge the greatest at whatever
    Thing I chose to do.
    
    When some cop suggested boxing to me,
    I was no more than a boy,
    I'd just had my cycle stolen
    And I swore, "Oh, man, I'll get that jerk
    Then whup his sorry ass!"
    Smiling, he said: "To fight them, to be equal,
    You first have to learn the game,
    It's a noble art and boxing is its name."
    
    (La-la learn...)
    
    I won Olympic gold when I
    Was just eighteen years old,
    Hell, I was special,
    Even then I knew I'd go on to be champion of the world,
    I do confess, I was eloquent 'n' arrogant,
    Yet, man, I was damn good!
    
    (Hoo-ra rah...)
    
    When I fought champ Sonny Liston, folk
    All snorted: "He'll get killed!"
    They were wrong,
    Groggy, hurt 'n' bleeding he surrendered on his stool,
    I'm still here. Liston's gone.
    
    Now I feel feeble, I feel frail,
    I have Parkinson's they say,
    It's a lingering reminder
    Of every glove that jarred my head
    Into that queer 'half-dream room',
    No clear memories remain,
    No memories of men I fought,
    Before it wrecked my brain.
    
    (Young no more...)
  • Eq 3rd place: Tony Crafter with:
    An American man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport to return to New York. He took his seat and started to settle himself in. As he was doing so, he noticed a strikingly beautiful woman walking down the aisle.
    
    He saw she was heading straight towards his seat and - much to his joy - she took the seat right next to him!
    
    "Hi," he blurted out, "Are you on a business trip or vacation?"
    
    She turned, smiled enchantingly and replied, "Business. I am going over to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in New York City."
    
    He swallowed hard. Heck! Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
    
    Struggling to maintain his composure, he coolly asked, "What's your, er... business role at the convention?"
    
    "I'm a lecturer," she responded, "I use my experience to disprove a few of the popular myths about sexuality."
    
    "Really?" he smiled, "what myths are those?"
    
    "Well," she explained, "one very popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the native American Indian who's most likely to possess that trait.
    
    "Another very popular myth is that French men make the best lovers, when actually it's the men of Greek descent.
    
    "We have also found that the best potential lovers in all of the categories are Irish men."
    
    Suddenly the woman became very uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said. "I really should not be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!"
    
    "Tonto," the man replied. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
    
    
    =
    
    Whilst in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom while he's there.
    
    A week after arriving home in the States, he wakes up one morning to find his manhood is covered all over in hellish, bright green and purple spots.
    
    Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The practitioner, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells him to return in two days for the results.
    
    The man turns up two days later and the GP announces, "I have rather bad news. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in the US; we know little about it."
    
    The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Right... then just give me a pill or a strong shot of something that'll fix me up."
    
    The GP answers bluntly, "Listen, I'm sorry, but there is no known cure. We'll have to amputate."
    
    The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! A million times no! I want a second opinion."
    
    The GP sighs, "Well, it's your choice. Do that if you want, but surgery is your only option."
    
    The next day, the man locates a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about this disease.
    
    The Chinese doctor examines him and then proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
    
    The man replies, "Yeah, yeah, I already know this; so, what can be done about it? My American GP wants to remove my manhood!"
    
    The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American dottahs, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
    
    "Oh, thank the Lord!" blubs the man.
    
    "Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself...!"
  • eq3rd - Adie Pena with:
    JANUARY
    
    The ball has dropped and people are celebrating
    January has come and with it the hope of a better year
    Forward we look to the new horizon
    
    But for some our gaze is stuck on the year behind
    The people we lost, dreams that never blossomed
    January is a doorway that some can never really cross
    
    Our bodies move on but our souls stay behind
    Time horrible time, the constant ticking of our lives
    I bid all a wonderful, happy new year
    
    Perhaps next year when the door opens again
    The hurt will have subsided the memories faded away
    And I shall cross with you all to that hopeful beginning
    
    =
    
    ANOTHER YEAR
    
    The thawed frost of JANUARY is extraordinary.
    Our wholehearted love in FEBRUARY is red as a berry;
    The rainbow in MARCH like a technicolor arch.
    
    The happy sunlight in APRIL gilds a flowery hill
    Where a pathway in MAY weaves a dolphin day.
    A tattooed moon in JUNE disappears too soon.
    
    The petulant heat in JULY beats the purple sky.
    A voodoo wind in AUGUST blows that huge cloud of dust;
    When a drizzle in SEPTEMBER rouses us sober.
    
    The mahogany leaves in OCTOBER fade to amber;
    The cold in NOVEMBER swathed people sombre,
    As the snow in DECEMBER soothed gentlefolk to slumber.
• Rude Category:
  nedesto with:
  The breast augmentation surgery =
  Tart: "My tits are sure gonna be huge!"
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  View with:
  Israeli settlements =
  Interest all Semites.

List of all nominated anagrams for January 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

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February 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Disqualified
  • 2nd place:
    Julian Lofts with:
    The First Step to World Peace =
    "Stop!" I reflected, "Stop the war!"
  • 3rd place:
    Rosie Perera with:
    The can of sardines =
    A dense fish carton.
• Entertainment Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  Happy
  Grumpy
  Sleepy
  Bashful
  Dopey
  Sneezy
  Doc =
  Playful
  Peppery
  Dozy
  Shy
  Dumb
  Achy nose
  See - 'GP'
• Topical Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The Winter Games in Sochi =
  There is magic in the snow!
• People's Name Category:
  nedesto with:
  1. Adam and Eve
  2. Lucifer
  3. Noah
  4. Moses
  5. Saul the king
  6. Gabriel
  =
  1. Shamed us
  2. Foul? Me??
  3. Big ark!
  4. Covenant
  5. Head Israeli
  6. Angel
  
• Other Name Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The fast-food restaurant chain McDonald's =
  Adults faced months of constant diarrhea.
• Medium Length Category:
  Adie Pena with:
  The Three Worst Actors in Hollywood History
  1. Keanu Reeves
  2. Hayden Christensen
  3. William Shatner
  =
  1. They currently call him 'Neo.'
  2. Hey, ladies! He's one wooden hero in "Star Wars."
  3. Is in the "Star Trek" TV show.
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Dharam Khalsa with:
  "True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  =
  Trustful
  Rare (very!)
  Unselfish ego
  Enhances face
  Looks ahead
  Obvious heat
  Vowed in wedlock
  Ethical
  
• Long Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  I have a little test for you! It requires speed, but it's not that hard. Try to name the color of these things as fast as possible:
  
  
  Cloud
  
  
  Snow
  
  
  A piece of paper
  
  
  Oreo filling
  
  
  Are you done? Great! Now say the name of that color aloud eight times fast.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  QUICK!!! WHAT DO COWS DRINK?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  No, weirdo, that's not true at all. You see, cows drink water, not milk.
  
  =
  
  If you liked that, here's another really nice trick (but this will also require speed). Repeat the following words to yourself:
  
  
  Host
  
  
  Most
  
  
  Ghost
  
  
  Roast
  
  
  Coast
  
  
  All done? Phenomenal! Now repeat the word Coast five times fast.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  QUICK!!! WHAT DO YOU PUT IN A TOASTER?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  No, I'm afraid you got confused again. We stick bread in the toaster, not toast.
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place: Meyran Kraus with:
    Love at the lips was touch
    As sweet as I could bear;
    And once that seemed too much;
    I lived on air
    
    That crossed me from sweet things
    The flow of — was it musk
    From hidden grapevine springs
    Downhill at dusk?
    
    I had the swirl and ache
    From sprays of honeysuckle
    That when they're gathered shake
    Dew on the knuckle.
    
    I craved strong sweets, but those
    Seemed strong when I was young;
    The petal of the rose
    It was that stung.
    
    Now no joy but lacks salt
    That is not dashed with pain
    And weariness and fault;
    I crave the stain
    
    Of tears, the aftermark
    Of almost too much love,
    The sweet of bitter bark
    And burning clove.
    
    
    =
    His Kiss Her Kiss
    
    His hands are very weak and wet Her features glow as she lies back,
    As he advances awkwardly, And drops her guard for some sweet fling;
    And knows just that he mustn't fret, He nervously planned to attack
    And either ace this test or flee. And now, at last, it's happening.
    But what if she will think his moves A golden moment would be good;
    Are too intense... or not enough? Indeed, we want to be impressed -
    So much to do with much to prove; But errors won't affect her mood:
    It can be wise if he acts tough... That crafty move is not a test -
    Chicks actually love that stuff. It's how he'd manage all the rest.
  • 2nd place: Tony Crafter with:
    An unusual new store has opened in Georgia, America, where a woman may go to buy a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. It says:
    
    'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the husbands increases as you ascend each flight.
    You, the customer may select any item from a particular floor, or you may elect to go up to the next level but you can not go back down except to exit the building!'
    
    A young woman went to the Husband Store to try and find a husband. On the first floor the sign said:
    
    Floor ONE - These Men Are All Employed.
    
    She was intrigued, but continued to the second floor anyway, where the sign read:
    
    Floor TWO - These Men Are All Employed and Like Children.
    
    'That's quite nice,' she thought, 'but I'd want more.'
    
    So she continued upward. The third floor sign said:
    
    Floor THREE - These Men are all Employed in Secure Jobs, Love Children, and are Very Good Looking.
    
    'Wow!' she thought, but felt compelled to keep going.
    
    She got to the fourth floor and the sign said:
    
    Floor FOUR - These Men all Have Secure Jobs, Love Children, are Very Good Looking and Like Helping With Housework.
    
    'My!' she exclaimed, 'I can hardly stand it!'
    
    Still, she went up to the fifth floor, where the sign said:
    
    Floor FIVE - These Men all Have A Secure Job that Pays Them Very Well, They Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Like Helping With the Housework, Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are all Very Faithful.
    
    She was tempted to stay, but went up to the final floor anyway, where the sign read:
    
    Floor SIX - You are visitor Eighteen-million five-hundred-and-twenty-eight thousand-and-twenty-nine to this level. There aren't any men here. This floor exists as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for visiting the Husband Store. Please exit to the right to make space for more unreasonable customers!
    
    To avoid any gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions were posted at the entrance to this store as well.
    
    The first level says: Wives that Enjoy Sex.
    
    The second says: Wives that Enjoy Sex and Have Their Own Money and Like To Have a Drink.
    
    Apparently, the third, fourth, fifth and sixth levels have never been visited.
    
    =
    
    A boatload of wealthy tourists stopped at a remote Mexican fishing village.
    
    One of the tourists complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and asked how long it took them to catch them.
    
    "Not very long." they answered in unison.
    
    "So why don't you stay out longer and catch more?"
    
    The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to cover their needs and those of their families.
    
    "But how do you spend the rest of your time?" asked the tourist.
    
    "Oh, we sleep late, fish a little, play with our children, have siestas with our wives. In the evenings, we go over to the village tavern to see our friends, have a drink or two, play the guitar, relax and sing some songs. We have a good, stress-free life."
    
    The tourist interrupted, "Look, I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should begin by fishing for longer every day.
    
    "You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can purchase extra, even bigger, boats."
    
    "And after that?"
    
    "Ok; with the extra money those larger boats earn, you can purchase second boats and third boats and so on until you possess a whole fleet of trawlers.
    
    "Then, instead of just selling the fish to middle-men," he expounded, "you can negotiate direct with the processing plants, or perhaps even open a plant of your own! You can then leave this remote village and move to Mexico City, or Los Angeles, or even good old New York! From there you'll be able to direct the whole enterprise."
    
    "So, just how long would that take?"
    
    "Oh, we're only looking at perhaps twenty years or so," replied the tourist.
    
    "And then?"
    
    "And then? Oh, Jesus, that's when it becomes even more exciting!" exclaimed the tourist. "When the business gets really enormous, you can then start to buy and sell stocks and shares, make several million and end up as major shareholders!"
    
    "Several million? Goodness! And after that?" asked the fishermen.
    
    "After that you'll be able to retire to a remote village on the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, have siestas with your wives and spend the odd evening drinking and enjoying a stress-free life with your friends."
    
    “But that’s just what we do now,” observed the fishermen.
    
    And the moral of the story is:
    
    Know where you're going in life... You might already be there!
  • 3rd place: Tony Crafter with:
    MY FUNNY VALENTINE
    By
    Frank Sinatra
    
    My funny valentine
    Sweet comic valentine
    You make me smile with my heart
    Your looks are laughable
    Unphotographable
    Yet you're my favourite work of art
    
    Is your figure less than greek
    Is your mouth a little weak
    When you open it to speak
    Are you smart?
    
    But don't change a hair for me
    Not if you care for me
    Stay little valentine stay
    Each day is valentines day
    
    Is your figure less than greek
    Is your mouth a little weak
    When you open it to speak
    Are you smart?
    
    But don't you change one hair for me
    Not if you care for me
    Stay little valentine stay
    Each day is valentines day
    =
    
    MY TONY VALENTINE
    Sung by
    Wendi Deng (a fan)
    
    My Tony valentine
    How can I make you mine
    If you love Cherie amour?
    Your butt is like a peach
    Soft, furry, outta reach
    Which makes me yearn for you much more.
    
    In that natty suit you're svelte,
    Yes, it's made of silk, what else!
    And your trousers will be felt
    I guarantee!
    
    Your eyes are a piercing blue
    Your skin a rare orange hue
    Stay Mr 'Valentine' Blair
    Let's have a foreign affair!
    
    Oh, I love that gallant streak
    And your mouth kissing my cheek
    Yet, when you open it to speak
    Does it lie?
    
    You are my total fantasy
    So top up that tan for me
    Fly to me Tony, okay?
    Valentine, let's run away!
• Rude Category:
  Christopher Sturdy with:
  I am instantly orgasmic =
  Man against my clitoris.
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Eric Harshbarger with:
  The Theorem of Pythagoras =
  Oh, hey... greatest math proof?

List of all nominated anagrams for February 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

March 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Christopher Sturdy with:
    Accident waiting to happen =
    Tap-dancing on ice with a pet.
  • 2nd place:
    nedesto with:
    Gentle spring rains =
    Green plants rising.
  • 3rd place:
    Rick Rothstein with:
    "I am not sure." ~
    "So ruminate".
• Entertainment Category:
  Rosie Perera with:
  Peter O'Toole in "Lawrence of Arabia" =
  A role in elaborate war epic of note.
• Topical Category:
  Rosie Perera with:
  Crimea votes to ~
  act more soviet.
• People's Name Category:
  nedesto with:
  Famous military leader Napoleon Bonaparte =
  Little man of Paris, marooned a year upon Elba.
• Other Name Category:
  Scott Gardner with:
  The Anagrammy Awards competition =
  Word game maintains Mey atop chart.
  
• Medium Length Category:
  Scott Gardner with:
  Top five longest running Broadway musicals:
  1. The Phantom of the Opera
  2. Cats
  3. Chicago
  4. The Lion King
  5. Les Misérables
  =
  1. The spectre who sang a tune
  2. Sampled T. S. Eliot poems
  3. Illinois gang
  4. African animals
  5. The French book by Victor Hugo
  
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Dharam Khalsa with:
  "Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws."
  =
  Things that have swift speed:
  Hollow tweets
  Hot phone chat
  Celebrity gossip
  Headline News blips
  Fox News fabrications
• Long Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  Lady: Do you drink?
  
  Man: Yes, beer.
  
  Lady: How many beers do you drink a day?
  
  Man: Three 6-packs.
  
  Lady: How much is it per 6-pack?
  
  Man: It's about ten dollars.
  
  Lady: How long have you been drinking it?
  
  Man: Fifteen years.
  
  Lady: Hmm... I see. So, one 6-pack costs ten dollars and you have three packs per day which means that you're spending nine hundred dollars a month. In twelve months, it will be ten thousand eight hundred dollars. Is that right?
  
  Man: Seems about right.
  
  Lady: So, in one year you spend ten thousand eight hundred dollars which, disregarding inflation, puts your spending over the past fifteen years at a massive one hundred and sixty two thousand dollars - correct?
  
  Man: Correct.
  
  Lady: Whew! Do you know that if you had not drunk those beers, the money could have been invested in a step-up interest savings account? After adjusting for compound interest over the past fifteen years, you could have now bought a Ferrari!
  
  Man: Do you drink?
  
  Lady: No.
  
  Man: So where's your Ferrari?
  
  =
  
  This conversation ensued after an old lady rang an NHS hospital based in England:
  
  'I'd like some information on a patient named Mrs Nancy Bundy. She was admitted suddenly last Sunday with chest pains and I just wanted to check if her condition has improved, or deteriorated?'
  
  'Do you know what ward Mrs Bundy's in?'
  
  'Yes, ward N, room 6F'
  
  'I'll put you through to the nurses' desk...'
  
  'Ward N staff-nurse; how can I help?'
  
  'I'm phoning about your patient, Nancy Bundy, and to ask whether she's improved or deteriorated?'
  
  'I'll check her notes... Yes, I'm happy to say that Nancy has improved. She's regained her appetite and her pulse is sound and steady. After some extra tests tonight she should be well enough to be discharged at around 6 o'clock tomorrow evening.'
  
  'Gosh, that's wonderful! I'm very glad and grateful; thank you very much, young lady!'
  
  'That's okay. You seem very relieved, are you a friend or a near relative?'
  
  'Neither, I'm Nancy Bundy in room 6F. Nobody tells you fuck all around here.
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place:1st - Meyran Kraus with:
    About Paris
    
    Tiled floors in bedrooms; trees (now run to seed —
    Such seed as the wind takes) of Liberty;
    Squares with new names that no one seems to see;
    Scrambling Briarean passages, which lead
    To the first place you came from; urgent need
    Of unperturbed nasal philosophy;
    Through Paris (what with church and gallery)
    Some forty first-rate paintings, or indeed
    Fifty mayhap; fine churches; splendid inns;
    Fierce sentinels (toy-size without the stands)
    Who spit their oaths at you and grind their r's
    If at a fountain you would wash your hands;
    One Frenchman (this is fact) who thinks he spars:
    Can even good dinners cover all these sins?
    
    =
    
    
    That French Spire I Saw
    
    As fondly I would gaze
    At photos I had taken,
    Those scenes in nobler France
    Would thrash in me, awakened:
    Each shop is glamorous,
    Each square is sunny there,
    The food is wonderful
    And stress is very rare -
    But often, in the depths,
    One plus is permanent
    More than its fussy fans
    That watched its fresh ascent,
    And 'neath this noble force
    Composed with subtlety,
    French, shiny openness
    Shrouds timid novelty.
    So scorn it, if you want,
    And draw it - if you dare,
    Though painting eagerly
    Seems artificial there,
    As, on prestigious grounds
    Where iron has this heart,
    Our epic shaft will grow
    And climb beyond prime art.

    [The visual tribute appears when the poem is centered and every word containing an I in the poem body is highlighted:]

    
    That French Spire I Saw
    
    As fondly I would gaze
    At photos I had taken,
    Those scenes in nobler France
    Would thrash in me, awakened:
    Each shop is glamorous,
    Each square is sunny there,
    The food is wonderful
    And stress is very rare -
    But often, in the depths,
    One plus is permanent
    More than its fussy fans
    That watched its fresh ascent,
    And 'neath this noble force
    Composed with subtlety,
    French, shiny openness
    Shrouds timid novelty.
    So scorn it, if you want,
    And draw it - if you dare,
    Though painting eagerly
    Seems artificial there,
    As, on prestigious grounds
    Where iron has this heart,
    Our epic shaft will grow
    And climb beyond prime art.
    
    
  • 2nd place: Tony Crafter with:
    HOW TO RECOGNISE ARTISTS FROM THEIR PAINTINGS.
    1. If the images have a dark background and everybody has tortured expressions on their faces, it's TITIAN
    
    2. If everyone in the painting has enormous arses, then it's RUBENS
    
    3. If all the men look like cow-eyed curly-haired women, it's CARAVAGGIO
    
    4. If the paintings have tons of little people in them but otherwise seem normal, it's BRUEGEL
    
    5. If the paintings have quite a lot of little people in them but also have a ton of crazy bullshit, it's BOSCH
    
    6. If everyone looks like hobos illuminated by only a dim streetlamp, it's REMBRANDT
    
    7. If the paintings could easily have a few chubby Cupids, or sheep, added (or already has them) it's FRANCOIS BOUCHER
    
    8. If everyone is beautiful, naked and stacked, it's MICHELANGELO
    
    9. If you see a ballerina, it's DEGAS
    
    10. If everything is highly-contrasted and sharp, sort of bluish, and everybody has gaunt, bearded faces, it's EL GRECO
    
    11. If you see a dozen eyes and noses but there's only one person in the painting, it's PICASSO
    
    12. If everyone - including the women - looks like Vladimir Putin, then it's VAN EYCK
    
    13. If his paintings remind you of the sort of surreal dreams you have after an evening spent drinking beer and tequila slammers, followed by an extra-late night meal of curried eggs with cheese fondue whilst listening to 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds', it's SALVADOR DALI
    
    =
    
    HOW TO RECOGNISE THE TOP-THIRTEEN RANKED ANAGRAM ACES FROM THEIR 'GRAMS.
    
    13. If the ideas are innovative, inventive and exhibit a waspish sense of humour, it's DAVID BOURKE
    
    12. If they are concise and clever, it's MIKE MESTERTON-GIBBONS
    
    11. If they display a high-degree of rudeness, with occasional lapses into the philosophical, it's RICK ROTHSTEIN
    
    10. If an unexpected diamond suddenly gleams into view, it's probably by... VIEW.
    
    9. If love of, and dedication to, the art looks evident in his anagrams, it's bound to be that Aussie bloke LARRY BRASH:
    
    8. If they please and give great value for 'Monet', it'll be ELLIE DENT
    
    7. If you see sporadic but high-quality submissions that generally win, it's SCOTT GARDNER
    
    6. If seen to be funny, inventive and quintessentially English? Oh, I'd say it's CHRISTOPHER STURDY
    
    5. If they're vibrant and innovative, it's the gentle DHARAM KALSA
    
    4. If you see a poignant, beautifully-crafted poem in 'Special' and a full-house of Noms, then it's ADIE PENA
    
    3. If you see this superb crossword puzzle in 'Special' and a funny gag in 'Medium' or 'Long', it's the versatile NEDESTO!
    
    2. When Nicola, of the Daily Mail's 'Peterborough' column, checks her emails on a Monday morning and yells, 'Heck, who is all this deranged gobbledegook from?' it's TONY CRAFTER:
    
    1. If the sheer genius of the work literally takes flight before your eyes, it's the peerless MEYRAN KRAUS:
  • 3rd place:Tony Crafter with:
    IT MIGHT AS WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
    By
    Carole King
    
    What shall I write?
    What can I say?
    How can I tell you how much I miss you?
    
    The weather here has been as nice as it can be
    Although it doesn't really matter much to me
    For all the fun I'll have while you're so far away
    It might as well rain until September
    
    I don't need sunny skies for things I like to do
    'Cause I stay home the whole day long and think of you
    As far as I'm concerned each day's a rainy day
    So It might as well rain until September
    
    My friends look forward to their picnics on the beach
    Yes everybody loves the summertime
    But you know darling while your arms are out of reach
    The summer isn't any friend of mine
    
    It doesn't matter whether skies are grey or blue
    It's raining in my heart 'cause I can't be with you
    I'm only living for the day you're home to stay
    So It might as well rain until September
    September, September, oh
    It might as well rain until September
    
    =
    
    IT MAY WELL RAIN UNTIL SEPTEMBER
    By
    Noah Sark
    
    When will it clear?
    Where will I go?
    Is there a way they can stop it raining?
    
    This soggy weather is as wretched as can be
    With rain each day for what seems an eternity
    It's March, yet still it's pouring in our great UK
    Hey, I hear it might rain until September!
    
    I yearn for sunny days like those I used to know
    But I see heavy rain, then massive floods follow
    As far as I'm aware they could be here to stay
    Hmm, it may go on until September!
    
    They say the lion of March goes lamb-like come the hour
    In May, the Summer's marking time behind
    Though in between we face those bloody April showers!
    Ouch! Mother Nature you're no friend of mine!
    
    It's said into each life a drop of rain may fall
    And usually it would not matter much at all
    Yet it's rained endlessly throughout successive months
    Hey, it might well rain until September, October, November... Yikes! it
    May well rain until December!
• Rude Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  Really nice pair of boobs ~
  are probably of silicone.
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Larry Brash with:
  Taking a selfie =
  I get fans; a

List of all nominated anagrams for March 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

April 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Dharam Khalsa with:
    A trained circus elephant =
    Such a placid entertainer.
  • 2nd place:
    Zoran Radisavlevic with:
    Sin City =
    It is NYC!
  • 3rd place:
    Meyran Kraus with:
    The professional plastic surgeon =
    I sculpt this large nose of a person.
• Entertainment Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  'The Creation of Adam', a Sistine Chapel ceiling mural =
  God shall touch Man in a fierce Italian masterpiece.
  
• Topical Category:
  with:Meyran Kraus with:
  Oscar maintains that he is not guilty of Reeva's death =
  Is this a fact, mister? I hear you haven't a leg to stand on!
• People's Name Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  Comedian Stephen Colbert =
  He copied Letterman on CBS.
• Other Name Category:
  Jon Gearhart with:
  Google Translate =
  Not ALL goes great...
• Medium Length Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  Top Notoriously Bad Tourists
  10. Brazil
  9. Italy
  8. France
  7. India
  6. Germany
  5. Australia
  4. China
  3. Russia
  2. United Kingdom
  1. United States
  =
  10. Ah - samba crazy!
  9. Pious
  8. Unlikable
  7. Untidy
  6. So Teutonic
  5. So irritating!
  4. Tiny Asians
  3. Red intimidators
  2. Lager louts
  1. Fat and rude
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Rosie Perera with:
  April One. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four." - Mark Twain
  =
  What a piece of work is man,
  how foolish, indeed rude,
  that her man Henry,
  with errant dexterity,
  put underwear on his head.
• Long Category:
  Maurice Goddard with:
  1: Dogs
  2: Cats
  3: Swans
  4: Budgerigars
  5: Birds
  6: Horses
  7: Chickens
  8: Kangaroos
  9: Fish
  10: Bacteria
  11: Earthworms
  12: Plankton
  13: Sheep
  14: White mice
  15: Turkeys
  16: Vermin
  17: Pigs
  18: Cows
  19: Elephants
  20: Rhinoceroses
  21: Leopards
  22: Owls
  =
  1: Bark
  2: Meow
  3: Hiss
  4: Can speak words
  5: Sing
  6: Race
  7: Lay eggs
  8: Hop
  9: Swim
  10: Increase!
  11: Crawl
  12: Cross seas
  13: Wool here
  14: Kid's pets
  15: Real Christmas!
  16: Horrid pests
  17: Bacon
  18: Beef
  19: Trunks
  20: Huge horn!
  21: Spotted
  22: Night vision
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place:Meyran Kraus with:
    Spring Song
    Robert Louis Stevenson
    
    The air was full of sun and birds,
    The fresh air sparkled clearly.
    Remembrance wakened in my heart
    And I knew I loved her dearly.
    
    The fallows and the leafless trees
    And all my spirit tingled.
    My earliest thought of love, and Spring's
    First puff of perfume mingled.
    
    In my still heart the thoughts awoke,
    Came lone by lone together –
    Say, birds and Sun and Spring, is Love
    A mere affair of weather?
    
    =
    
    Remembering My Lost Half
    
    A while had passed, yet I recall
    How this fool promptly fell for her -
    But dared not fight the plunge at all,
    For mindless links are merrier.
    And no grief, nor a twist of fate,
    May snuff the avid spark worth saving
    And like some evil sun negate
    An ocean of elated craving:
    My lips burn as I feel that kiss
    Where fresher buds grew all around;
    I'd sense my lady there, in bliss,
    On these serene and pretty grounds.
  • 2nd place: Tony Crafter with:
    BACK IN THE USSR
    By
    The Beatles
    
    Oh, flew in from Miami Beach BOAC.
    Didn't get to bed last night
    On the way the paper bag was on my knee
    Man I had a dreadful flight
    I'm back in the USSR
    You don't know how lucky you are boy
    Back in the USSR
    
    Been away so long I hardly knew the place
    Gee it's good to be back home
    Leave it till tomorrow to unpack my case
    Honey disconnect the phone
    I'm back in the USSR
    You don't know how lucky you are boy
    Back in the US...
    Back in the US...
    Back in the USSR
    
    Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
    They leave the West behind
    And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
    That Georgia's always on my mind
    
    (musical break)
    
    Yeah I'm back in the USSR
    You don't know how lucky you are boys
    Back in the USSR
    
    Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
    They leave the West behind
    And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
    That Georgia's always on my mind
    
    Oh, show me round your snow-peaked mountains way down south
    Take me to your daddy's farm
    Let me hear your balalaika's ringing out
    Come and keep your comrade warm
    I'm back in the USSR
    Hey you don't know how lucky you are boys
    Back in the USSR
    
    =
    
    BACKING THE USSR
    By
    V. Putin
    
    Yeah, Russia's where it's happening we hold the power
    So why did you all break away?
    I am wholly certain, yeah that come the hour
    You'll be back with us one day
    So bring back the USSR
    We'll all grow much stronger by far, man!
    I'm backing the USSR
    
    You got your independence but what have you done?
    You're like chickens with no heads
    You pygmies don't know how a country should be run
    Don't know how it should be led
    Get backin' my USSR
    You'll go much higher by far, da!
    Backing my US...
    Backin' my US...
    Backin' the USSR
    
    Well, weak Ukraine will be mine some day
    Crimea, it has gone
    Okay folk, denounce your Western ways
    Get back to where you once belonged.
    
    (vodka break)
    
    Yeah, I'm talking USSR
    I'm talkin' a coup d'etat, man
    I'm backin' the USSR
    
    Oh, one by one I'll take my countries back
    T'was always my design
    You'll know okay the moment I attack
    And I shall make you my-my-mine!
    
    Now, don't be reckless, don't resist for goodness sake
    I can break you with one hand
    Take a moment to consider what's at stake
    Head home to the Motherland
    Go back to the USSR
    Home to the land of your ma-ma!
    I'm backin' the USSR!
  • 3rd place:nedesto with:
    Absent Place-an April Day, Emily Dickinson
    
    Absent Place-an April Day-
    Daffodils a-blow
    Homesick curiosity
    To the Souls that snow-
    
    Drift may block within it
    Deeper than without-
    Daffodil delight but
    Him it duplicate-
    
    =
    
    Delicately bathed in paint,
    All cold lookouts did wait.
    Flowers bound up with duty shine
    Fragrant, sappy, soft, sedate.
    
    Outlined in birthday chiffon;
    Dreamlike, whimsical.
    Imitates a picky patch;
    Lithe mobs botanical.
• Rude Category:
  Maurice Goddard with:
  Anal copulation =
  Tool up in a canal
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Ellie Dent with:
  New software =
  Now we're fast!

List of all nominated anagrams for March 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

May 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Christopher Sturdy with:
    Twenty six letters of the alphabet =
    Best of all, they shape written text.
  • 2nd place:
    nedesto with:
    Television news documentaries ~
    remind us violence ain't so sweet.
  • 3rd place:
    Meyran Kraus with:
    Sure, if we liken a German to a Nazi, ~
    we make unfair generalizations.
• Entertainment Category:
  David Bourke with:
  Maya Angelou's 'I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings' =
  A wise young black woman - her sad, edgy insight.
  
• Topical Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  Conchita Wurst's 'Rise Like a Phoenix' =
  I pick transexual to win cos 'her' is 'he'!
• People's Name Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  William Shakespeare, the Immortal Bard =
  I admire 'Hamlet'... His plot was remarkable!
• Other Name Category:
  Ellie Dent with:
  The Museum of Fine Arts, Boston =
  Famous for the best Monet in US.
• Medium Length Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  Top Ten World's Fattest Countries
  10. Hungary
  9. Germany
  8. Canada
  7. Norway
  6. Slovakia
  5. UAE
  4. Czech Republic
  3. Australia
  2. New Zealand
  1. USA
  =
  10. Cake crazy
  9. The wurst!
  8. Styled on USA
  7. Couch-potato land
  6. A fruit 'n' veg paranoia
  5. Are unaware
  4. Sweets
  3. All lazy
  2. Ennui
  1. Darn Big Macs!
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  SOLDIER, SOLDIER (Spike Milligan)
  
  There was a little soldier
  Who went off to the war
  To serve the King,
  Which is the thing
  That soldiers are made for.
  
  But then that little soldier
  Was blown to bits, was he.
  All for his King
  He did this thing:
  How silly can you be?
  
  =
  
  WILFUL PRIDE
  
  "Oh, what a lovely war!" he cried
  "Let the fighting start!"
  To the warfront, side by side
  We walk into the dark...
  Sabres rattle! Into battle!
  ***
  "Oh, God, this war; it's Hell," he sighs
  "How can I go on?"
  He's lost his will
  His friends lie, killed
  In bits, out on the Somme
• Long Category:
  nedesto with:
  WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
  
  Ludwig Wittgenstein: "Crossing" was individually encoded into those objects "chicken" and "road" until that caused the actualization of the phenomenon.
  
  Hippocrates: It is usually because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
  
  Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
  
  Jack Nicholson: Because it f-ing wanted to. That is f-ing why
  
  Mark Twain: The unfortunate news of its untimely crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
  
  Thomas de Torquemada: Give me thirty minutes with it and I'll find out.
  
  Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
  
  Oliver North: Because our entire National Security was at stake.
  
  B.F. Skinner: The external influences which had virtually pervaded its sensorium from birth had likewise caused it to unknowingly develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while fully believing such actions to be of its own free will.
  
  Albert Einstein: The chicken crossed the road or the road crossed it; that depends upon your frame of reference.
  
  Jean-Paul Sartre: In order for it to act in good faith and for it to be true to itself, that chicken found it morally necessary to cross that road. ~
  
  Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that chickens cross roads at this juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought each such occurrence into being.
  
  Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
  
  Buddha: To ask the forbidden question is to deny one's own essential chicken-nature.
  
  Timothy Leary: Just because it's the only kind of damned trip the Establishment would let it take.
  
  David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
  
  Salvador Dali: Fish.
  
  Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
  
  Darwin: It was the first logical next step after leaping headlong down from the trees.
  
  Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
  
  Epicurus: For fun.
  
  Werner Heisenberg: We are not certain which side of the road it was on, though coincidentally it was moving downright fast.
  
  Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of defiance, hence we were justified in dropping fifty tons of nerve gas on it.
  
  Henry David Thoreau: For it chose to live deliberately ... and suck the marrow out of life.
  
  Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
  
  Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
  
  Ronald Reagan: I forgot.
  
  The Sphinx: Can you tell me?
  
  Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place:Tony Crafter with:
    THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER
    A Poem by Lewis Carroll
    
    "The sun was shining on the sea,
    Shining with all his might:
    He did his very best to make
    The billows smooth and bright —
    And this was odd, because it was
    The middle of the night.
    
    The moon was shining sulkily,
    Because she thought the sun
    Had got no business to be there
    After the day was done —
    "It's very rude of him," she said,
    "To come and spoil the fun."
    
    The sea was wet as wet could be,
    The sands were dry as dry.
    You could not see a cloud, because
    No cloud was in the sky:
    No birds were flying overhead —
    There were no birds to fly.
    
    The Walrus and the Carpenter
    Were walking close at hand;
    They wept like anything to see
    Such quantities of sand:
    'If this were only cleared away,'
    They said, 'it would be grand!'
    
    'If seven maids with seven mops
    Swept it for half a year,
    Do you suppose,' the Walrus said,
    'That they could get it clear?'
    'I doubt it,' said the Carpenter,
    And shed a bitter tear.
    
    'O Oysters, come and walk with us!'
    The Walrus did beseech.
    'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
    Along the briny beach:
    We cannot do with more than four,
    To give a hand to each.'
    
    The eldest Oyster looked at him,
    But never a word he said:
    The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
    And shook his heavy head —
    Meaning to say he did not choose
    To leave the oyster-bed.
    
    But four young Oysters hurried up,
    All eager for the treat:
    Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
    Their shoes were clean and neat —
    And this was odd, because, you know,
    They hadn't any feet.
    
    Four other Oysters followed them,
    And yet another four;
    And thick and fast they came at last,
    And more, and more, and more —
    All hopping through the frothy waves,
    And scrambling to the shore.
    
    The Walrus and the Carpenter
    Walked on a mile or so,
    And then they rested on a rock
    Conveniently low:
    And all the little Oysters stood
    And waited in a row.
    
    'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
    'To talk of many things:
    Of shoes — and ships — and sealing-wax —
    Of cabbages — and kings —
    And why the sea is boiling hot —
    And whether pigs have wings.'
    
    'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried,
    'Before we have our chat;
    For some of us are out of breath,
    And all of us are fat!'
    'No hurry!' said the Carpenter.
    They thanked him much for that.
    
    'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said,
    'Is what we chiefly need:
    Pepper and vinegar besides
    Are very good indeed —
    Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
    We can begin to feed.'
    
    'But not on us!' the Oysters cried,
    Turning a little blue.
    'After such kindness, that would be
    A dismal thing to do!'
    'The night is fine,' the Walrus said.
    'Do you admire the view?'
    
    'It was so kind of you to come!
    And you are very nice!'
    The Carpenter said nothing but
    'Cut us another slice:
    I wish you were not quite so deaf —
    I've had to ask you twice!'
    
    'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said,
    'To play them such a trick,
    After we've brought them out so far,
    And made them trot so quick!'
    The Carpenter said nothing but
    'The butter's spread too thick!'
    
    'I weep for you,' the Walrus said:
    'I deeply sympathize.'
    With sobs and tears he sorted out
    Those of the largest size,
    Holding his pocket-handkerchief
    Before his streaming eyes.
    
    'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter,
    'You've had a pleasant run!
    Shall we be trotting home again?'
    But answer came there none —
    And this was scarcely odd, because
    They'd eaten every one.
    
    =
    
    THE WALRUS AND THE BEATLES
    
    While skiffling with his 'Quarrymen'
    Boy Lennon said to Paul
    "Hey, dude, why don't you sing with us?
    We're sure to have a ball."
    So Paul said 'Yes' and George was next
    And Ringo last of all.
    
    A group was formed, the scene was set
    They went in search of fame
    But soon the boys all realised
    They'd have to change their name
    So, inspired by Buddy's 'Crickets',
    'The Beatles' they became
    
    They learnt their trade in Hamburg's dives
    And back in Liverpool
    Where they played at The Cavern club
    (The kids thought they were cool!)
    Said Epstein, "Can I manage you?
    "Together we shall rule!"
    
    The rest, of course, is history
    Their status quickly soared
    They cut a record, 'Love Me Do'
    And it reached No. Four
    The fans adored these cheeky lads
    And they demanded more!
    
    And that's precisely what they got
    As 'Please Please Me' hit Two
    Then they had their first No. One
    A song 'From Me To You'
    And then a bigger No. One
    The catchy 'She Loves You'.
    
    Those Lennon and McCartney songs
    Were truly so unique,
    And the added three-part harmonies
    Would make your knees go weak!
    And when George started to write hits
    The fab four hit fresh peaks.
    
    The disc 'I Want To Hold Your Hand'
    Would seal their fate the day
    That it rushed in to top the charts
    In the US of A!
    So, sudden worldwide fame arrived
    And it arrived to stay!
    
    The Beatles soared from hit to hit
    Their music scaled new heights
    Of sheer, creative genius
    The future was so bright.
    When 'Sgt Pepper' was conceived
    It reaffirmed their might.
    
    But, ah, another person had
    Intruded on the scene
    Her name was Yoko Ono she
    Was like a figurine
    Sad Lennon he was dazzled but
    The others weren't so keen...
    
    These were the 'fab four's' golden days
    When they were at their peak
    But had that vast creative vat
    Begun to spring a leak?
    And over time, did Yoko break
    The Beatles, so to speak?
    
    And was this the defining time,
    When history looks back,
    The Beatles' base began to shift
    It's walls began to crack?
    Did they choose wrong directions?
    Had they subtly changed tack?
    
    "The time has come, fans," Lennon said
    "For an unusual song
    I wrote it on an acid trip
    The lyrics sound all wrong
    'I Am The Walrus' it is called
    I hope you sing along!"
    
    I do aver, we loved those words
    Ah, I did anyway!
    Ooh, the idiosyncrasy!
    But, buddies, may I say?
    I'd sensed a threat of an adieu,
    Some sad and sorry day
    
    In those last topsy turvy years
    The boys' success plateaued
    Their work it's said, was not their best
    (Aside from 'Abbey Road')
    The four discussed it and agreed
    To end the episode.
    
    Behind them lay achievements that
    No one would ever beat
    The twists of fate that teamed them up
    History can't repeat
    We will not see their likes again
    Nor duplicate their feats
    
    So, Macca carried on with 'Wings'
    And then went off solo
    While Lennon scored hits of his own
    Or dabbled with Yoko
    Harrison wrote new, classic tunes
    That always ebbed and flowed.
    
    But now, within our souls we hoped
    That, at a future date,
    The 'fab four' boys would reunite
    So we could hear them play
    We had such hopes, but, ah, as usu-
    -al, life got in the way...
    
    Or rather, 'death' got in the way
    Mark Chapman saw to that.
    Then cancer saw off Harrison
    And so our dreams were dashed
    But their sweet music stayed alive,
    And rose out of the ash.
  • 2nd place: Meyran Kraus with: (In honor of Mother's Day this May, Yeats' poem is anagrammed into a another poem that contains 2 relevant acrostics in both its first and last letters:)
    
    
    'Song of the Old Mother' by Yeats
    
    I rise in the dawn, and I kneel and blow
    Till the seed of the fire flicker and glow;
    And then I must scrub and bake and sweep
    Till stars are beginning to blink and peep;
    And the young lie long and dream in their bed
    Of the matching of ribbons for bosom and head,
    And their day goes over in idleness,
    And they sigh if the wind but lift a tress:
    While I must work because I am old,
    And the seed of the fire gets feeble and cold.
    
    =
    
    The Mother's Gift
    
    Men knew  that  nothing  beats  the gilded gleam
    Of  brooks  that babble  and  fine daisies,  too:
    No  gift's   believed  to  be   more   brilliant
    Than cunning Mother Nature's, when she's through.
    How   perfect   a  description   it   would   be
    Of  all   the  magic   in   your   able   finger!
    For years,  all kindness  and these fonder deeds
    Made life  a splendid bliss  and kindly lingered:
    As  ebb  and  flow  and  wind   define  the  sea,
    Your    hidden   dedication    was    the    key.
    
    
    MeY
    
  • 3rd place:Tony Crafter with:
    BAFFLING QUESTIONS THAT HAVE NO REAL ANSWER
    
    If he lives in the jungle and doesn't have a razor, how come Tarzan doesn't have a beard?
    
    Why do we press harder on the remote control even if we know the batteries are flat?
    
    Why do the banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' if they're aware that there are insufficient funds to cover it?
    
    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear crash helmets?
    
    Why does someone believe you when you say there's in excess of four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say that the paint is wet?
    
    Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
    
    Hmm...
    
    And did you ever stop to wonder...?
    
    If the temperature is zero today and it is going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be tomorrow?
    
    Do married people really live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
    
    How is it that we'd put a man on the moon before we figured out that it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
    
    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
    
    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'Hmm... I think I'll squeeze
    those pink dangly things and drink whatever might come out of them.'?
    
    Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its arse.'
    ~
    Why do toasters have a setting so extreme it burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever want to eat?
    
    Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
    
    Why do people point to their wrist when asking you for the time, but do not point to their bum when asking you where the bathroom is?
    
    Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed when he knows he's gonna look up there anyway?
    
    Why does Goofy stand up erect while Pluto's always low on all fours? They are both dogs!
    
    What joker's idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
    
    What is the speed of darkness?
    
    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
    
    If corn oil's made from corn and vegetable oil from vegetables, then what's baby oil made from?
    
    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    
    Why do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
    
    Now stop singing and read on......
    
    Do illiterate people get the full benefits of Alphabet Soup?
    
    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets angry, yet when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
    
    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
    
    And, the last one...
    
    How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy?
    Aha, I think I can answer that one! Give it a nipple.
• Rude Category:
  Rick Rothstein with:
  Extreme sounds =
  Tremendous sex.
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Larry Brash with:
  Ukraine separatists =
  Its area kept Russian.

List of all nominated anagrams for May 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

June 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:Adrian Hickford with:
    Tennis swing =
    Winning sets.
  • 2nd place:
    Adrian Hickford with:
    Tennis swing =
    Winning sets.
  • 3rd place:
    Tyler Severance with:
    A devout Family honor there =
    Father
    And
    Mother
    I
    Love
    You
• Entertainment Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  Masterpiece painting 'Mona Lisa' =
  An enigmatic smile appears on it.
• Topical Category:
  nedesto with:
  The annual summer solstice =
  Sun reaches one tall summit.
  
• People's Name Category:
  David Bourke with:
  William Shakespeare, the Bard of Stratford-upon-Avon =
  Installed upon a peak far, far above other wordsmiths!
• Other Name Category:
  View with:
  United States of America =
  Russia to meet and face it.
• Medium Length Category:
  Scott Gardner with:
  The Fellowship of the Ring:
  1. Gandalf
  2. Aragorn
  3. Boromir
  4. Gimli
  5. Legolas
  6. Frodo
  7. Samwise
  8. Peregrin
  9. Meriadoc
  =
  1. Magician
  2. Ranger
  3. Gondor hero
  4. Dwarf
  5. Elf
  6. He is Mr. Baggins
  7. I help poor master
  8. Goofier idiot
  9. Small fellow
  
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  David Bourke with:
  "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." - Billy Connolly =
  My definition of an imbecile? That is an unlucky-in-love loser, well into all home technology, who will use the internet trolling for attention.
• Long Category:
  David Bourke with:
  The football teams taking part in the World Cup:
  
  1. The Netherlands
  2. Italy
  3. Belgium
  4. Germany
  5. France
  6. Switzerland
  7. Spain
  8. England
  9. Russia
  10. Bosnia-Herzegovina
  11. Croatia
  12. Greece
  13. Portugal
  14. Japan
  15. Australia
  16. Iran
  17. South Korea
  18. Brazil
  19. Argentina
  20. Colombia
  21. Chile
  22. Uruguay
  23. Ecuador
  24. The United States of America
  25. Costa Rica
  26. Honduras
  27. Mexico
  28. Nigeria
  29. The Ivory Coast
  30. Cameroon
  31. Ghana
  32. Algeria
  
  =
  
  
  1. A clog.
  2. A wop.
  3. A sprout.
  4. A kraut.
  5. Garlic.
  6. Solid pine.
  7. A dago.
  8. To exit early, I guarantee!
  9. Do vote Putin!
  10. Carnage.
  11. Guns, war.
  12. At the retsina!
  13. Missing children.
  14. Rice.
  15. G'Day!
  16. The Ayatollah.
  17. Not North (a pariah).
  18. Notorious nuts!
  19. Malvinas earache.
  20. Cocaine bazaar.
  21. Miner rescue.
  22. Cattle.
  23. No chance Latinos.
  24. Yee-hah!
  25. Coffee.
  26. Timber.
  27. Arriba!
  28. Embezzling our oil.
  29. Tusks.
  30. Jungle safari.
  31. Tribal drumming.
  32. A raghead.
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place:Meyran Kraus with:
    William Henry Davies' poem about June is anagrammed into a poem dedicated to World Cup fans with 2 constraints: it contains a relevant acrostic down its left side, and it's shaped like a ball when centered.
  • 2nd place: nedesto with:
    42 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN
    42 GREAT THINGS ABOUT BEING A WOMAN
  • 3rd place: ony Crafter with:
    Limericks
• Rude Category:
  Christopher Sturdy with: Kids are the future of this country = In short, if that's true, you're fucked!
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Larry Brash with:
  "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." - Billy Connolly =
  =
  One cute little melody by Rossini, now an unlikely theme tune for a cool film with Tonto; a nattering fellow intoning the call line: "Hi-ho, Silver!"

List of all nominated anagrams for June 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

July 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Meyran Kraus with:
    Armed bully =
    Really dumb.
  • 2nd place:
    Ellie Dent with:
    Airline disasters =
    In aerial distress.
  • 3rd place:
    nedesto with:
    Those who deny climate change =
    How they had to mangle science!
• Entertainment Category:
  Adie Pena with:
  'Always Look On the Bright Side of Life' =
  For we like a song by that foolish Idle!
• Topical Category:
  Ellie Dent with:
  The unrest in Gaza =
  Then gaze at ruins.
  
• People's Name Category:
  nedesto with:
  Priam's son Hector =
  Heroic sportsman!
• Other Name Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  Non-filter Camel cigarettes =
  I'll get cancer faster into me!
• Medium Length Category:
  nedesto with:
  Twelve months within one year:
  1. January
  2. February
  3. March
  4. April
  5. May
  6. June
  7. July
  8. August
  9. September
  10. October
  11. November
  12. December
  =
  1. New Year
  2. Carnival
  3. Rejuvenate
  4. Beauty
  5. Buttercup
  6. Enjoy Summer!
  7. Blueberry Bloom
  8. Meander'n
  9. Warm
  10. Majestic
  11. Frosty
  12. High Hope
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Dharam Khalsa with:
  "The flames kindled on the Fourth of July, 1776, have spread over too much of the globe to be extinguished by the feeble engines of despotism; on the contrary, they will consume these engines and all who work them." - Thomas Jefferson
  =
  Theme of '71 to '76
  
  Fashion:
  Tie-dyed tee
  Bell bottoms
  Huge heels
  
  Tunes:
  The Jackson Five
  Pink Floyd
  "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog"
  
  For News:
  "Money"
  "Glamour"
  
  On TV:
  "Hee Haw"
  "The Smothers Brothers"
  
  The Deep Stuff:
  Nixon decline
  Honed technology
• Long Category:
  nedesto with:
  Signs You have Grown Up:
  
  - Your house plants are all alive... only you are not smoking any of them
  
  - Having sex in a twin bed is really out of the question
  
  - You keep more food than beer in the fridge
  
  - Seven AM is the time that you are getting up, instead of going to bed
  
  - You really watch the Weather Channel
  
  - Your friends marry and divorce instead of hooking up and breaking up
  
  - You are the one calling the police station because, "Those no-good kids next door just would not turn down their effing stereo!"
  
  - Older relatives now feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you
  
  - You do not know what time Taco Bell closes anymore
  
  - Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up
  
  - All that you feed your dogs is Science Diet instead of random McDonalds leftovers
  
  - Eating breakfast foods at breakfast time
  
  - You go in to a drug store for ibuprofen, not for pregnancy tests ~
  
  - You suddenly hear your favorite song everywhere... in elevators
  
  - To sleep on the couch hurts your back nowadays
  
  - Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "pretty dressed up"
  
  - You no longer sleep from noon to six
  
  - Dinner and a movie is a whole date instead of the beginning of one
  
  - Eating a basket of chicken wings at three AM would decidedly upset, rather than settle, your stomach
  
  - You grudgingly go from one hundred twenty days vacation to fourteen
  
  - A four dollar bottle of bubbly is no longer "the real good stuff"
  
  - The famous excuse of "I just can't drink like I used to," replaces, "I'm absolutely never going to drink wine again."
  
  - Most of the time and energy you spend in front of a computer is for actual academic work
  
  - You no longer drink at home to save money before going out to a bar
  
  - You read this list with desperation, looking for one sign that it doesn't apply to you!
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place: Meyran Kraus with:
    
    Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
    Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
    Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
    And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
    Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
    And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
    And every fair from fair sometime declines,
    By chance, or nature's changing course untrimmed:
    But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
    Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st,
    Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
    When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st,
    So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
    So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
    
    =
    
    Stages In A Week-Long Romance
    
    Such bosom-aches I felt the day I met her,
    But then, I could not gather how I feel;
    My daydreams in the second one fared better:
    More passionate and rather more surreal;
    The third came with the notion that no guy
    Must ever have revered a mistress more,
    While I soared to some monumental highs
    Beneath her flaring goodness on day four;
    Then, on day five, some things did not age well:
    Those small compulsions or those loathsome tics...
    From harmless bliss, it turned to stressful hell
    Around the final hours of day six.
    So, as it has to happen to all men,
    Day seven comes, and I'm alone again.
    
  • 2nd place:Tony Crafter with:
    OH, WHAT A CIRCUS
    From 'Evita'
    
    [Che:]
    Oh what a circus, oh what a show
    Argentina has gone to town
    Over the death of an actress called Eva Peron
    We've all gone crazy
    Mourning all day and mourning all night
    Falling over ourselves to get all of the misery right
    
    Oh what an exit, that's how to go
    When they're ringing your curtain down
    Demand to be buried like Eva Peron
    It's quite a sunset
    And good for the country in a roundabout way
    We've made the front pages of all the world's papers today
    
    But who is this Santa Evita?
    Why all this howling, hysterical sorrow?
    What kind of goddess has lived among us?
    How will we ever get by without her?
    
    She had her moments, she had some style
    The best show in town was the crowd
    Outside the Casa Rosada crying, "Eva Peron"
    But that's all gone now
    As soon as the smoke from the funeral clears
    We're all gonna see and how, she did nothing for years
    
    [Crowd:]
    
    Salve regina mater misericordiae
    Vita dulcedo et spes nostra
    Salve salve regina
    Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva
    Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes
    O clemens o pia
    
    [Che:]
    You let down your people Evita
    You were supposed to have been immortal
    That's all they wanted, not much to ask for
    But in the end you could not deliver
    
    Sing you fools, but you got it wrong
    Enjoy your prayers because you haven't got long
    Your queen is dead, your king is through
    And she's not coming back to you
    
    Show business kept us all alive
    Since seventeen October 1945
    But the star has gone, the glamour's worn thin
    That's a pretty bad state for a state to be in
    
    Instead of government we had a stage
    Instead of ideas, a prima donna's rage
    Instead of help we were given a crowd
    She didn't say much, but she said it loud
    
    Sing you fools, but you got it wrong
    Enjoy your prayers because you haven't got long
    Your queen is dead, your king is through
    She's not coming back to you
    
    [Crowd:]
    Salve regina mater misericordiae
    Vita dulcedo et spes nostra
    Salve salve regina Peron
    Ad te clamamus exules filii Eva
    Ad te suspiramus gementes et flentes
    O clemens o pia
    
    [Eva:]
    Don't cry for me Argentina
    For I am ordinary, unimportant
    And undeserving of such attention
    Unless we all are, I think we all are
    So share my glory, so share my coffin
    So share my glory, so share my coffin
    
    [Che:]
    It's our funeral too
    
    =
    
    DON'T CRY FOR TEAM ARGENTINA
    Aria (by various desolate Argentines)
    
    [Narrator:]
    Oh, what a circus, oh what a show,
    Argentina has come to town,
    But in the Grand Football Final they've let themselves down,
    The fans are mourning,
    Mourning their dreams and counting the cost,
    Mourning as hard as can be, a trophy their heroes have lost
    
    Oh, what an exit, it's not the way
    The script was supposed to have gone,
    Now they're dead and buried like Eva Peron,
    It's quite a blunder
    And sad for the country in so many ways,
    For in the newspapers today, the Germans
    get all of the praise!
    
    So, who are these German supremos?
    Why all the syrupy adulation?
    They are not gods, they are not immortal,
    But, gee, that goal was something quite special...
    
    They had sleek Messi, he had some style,
    And many folk voyaged for miles
    To the Estadio Maracana to cheer for their side,
    But they've gone home now,
    Off to their shanties, to their hidey-holes,
    Reflecting how it would've been, if Messi had just scored that goal...
    
    [Crowd:]
    
    Viva our squad; viva our coach, Sabella!
    Viva Presidente Cristina!
    Viva our proud Argentina!
    This was but a hiccup, we are not beaten yet,
    We'll rise like a phoenix, from the ashes
    And we'll soon have the World Cup again!
    
    [Narrator:]
    You blew your chance team Argentina
    You missed two easy goals Higuain and Messi,
    One goal would do it, not much to ask for,
    But sad to say you could not deliver.
    
    [Female Presidente Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner:]
    Come sing our usual victory songs,
    So much was good, gee it wasn't all wrong,
    We've lost a fight but not the war
    And we'll be bigger than we were before!
    
    Those Germans do not always thrive
    They proved it May 1945
    They gave up then, they could again,
    Some day we'll cause them football pain!
    
    Come sing our usual victory songs
    Unlike Brasil we've got a gong
    A silver's good, we're runners-up,
    True gold awaits us at the next World Cup!
    
    Sing of success, sing of love
    A song of glory to God above,
    I'll lead us to such greatness soon,
    To find success we must seek the moon...
    
    So, don't cry for team Argentina,
    Judge it an upset, not a disaster,
    And undeserving of your deep sorrow,
    Some day you'll witness our full emergence,
    For soon you'll see us, win The Malvinas
    Yes, soon you'll see us, in The Malvinas.
    
    [Voices of UK]
    Yeah, ok. In your dreams lady!
  • 3rd place:David Bourke with:
    Rolling Stone magazine's list of the one-hundred greatest guitarists of all time:
    
    1. Jimi Hendrix
    2. Duane Allman
    3. B.B. King
    4. Eric Clapton
    5. Robert Johnson
    6. Chuck Berry
    7. Stevie Ray Vaughan
    8. Ry Cooder
    9. Jimmy Page
    10 Keith Richards
    11. Kirk Hammett
    12. Kurt Cobain
    13. Jerry Garcia
    14. Jeff Beck
    15. Carlos Santana
    16. Johnny Ramone
    17. Jack White
    18. John Frusciante
    19. Richard Thompson
    20. James Burton
    21. George Harrison
    22. Mike Bloomfield
    23. Warren Haynes
    24. David Evans (The Edge)
    25. Freddy King
    26. Tom Morello
    27. Mark Knopfler
    28. Stephen Stills
    29. Ron Asheton
    30. Buddy Guy
    31. Dick Dale
    32. John Cipollina
    33/34. Lee Ranaldo/Thurston Moore
    35. John Fahey
    36. Steve Cropper
    37. Bo Diddley
    38. Peter Green
    39. Brian May
    40. John Fogerty
    41. Clarence White
    42. Robert Fripp
    43. Eddie Hazel
    44. Scotty Moore
    45. Frank Zappa
    46. Les Paul
    47. T-Bone Walker
    48. Joe Perry
    49. John McLaughlin
    50. Pete Townshend
    51. Paul Kossoff
    52. Lou Reed
    53. Mickey Baker
    54. Jorma Kaukonen
    55. Ritchie Blackmore
    56. Tom Verlaine
    57. Roy Buchanan
    58. Dickey Betts
    59 & 60. Jonny Greenwood, Ed O'Brien
    61. Ike Turner
    62. Zoot Horn Rollo
    63. Danny Gatton
    64. Mick Ronson
    65. Hubert Sumlin
    66. Vernon Reid
    67. Link Wray
    68. Jerry Miller
    69. Steve Howe
    70. Eddie Van Halen
    71. Lightnin' Hopkins
    72. Joni Mitchell.
    73. Trey Anastasio
    74. Johnny Winter
    75. Adam Jones
    76. Ali Farka Toure
    77. Henry Vestine
    78. Robbie Robertson
    79. Cliff Gallup
    80. Robert Quine
    81. Derek Trucks
    82. David Gilmour
    83. Neil Young
    84. Eddie Cochran
    85. Randy Rhoads
    86. Tony Iommi
    87. Joan Jett
    88. Dave Davies
    89. Dennes Dale Boon
    90. Glen Buxton
    91. Robby Krieger
    92/93. Fred "Sonic" Smith/Wayne Kramer
    94. Bert Jansch
    95. Kevin Shields
    96. Angus Young
    97. Robert Randolph
    98. Leigh Stephens
    99. Greg Ginn
    100. Kim Thayil
    
    =
    
    1. Justly No. One.
    2. King on slide
    3. Major blues legend
    4. Nickname: God!
    5. Soul sold to the Devil
    6. Johnny B. Goode
    7. Hendrix proxy
    8. Very versatile
    9. Zeppelin
    10. Jagger's junkie
    11. Enter Metallica thrash
    12. Nirvana
    13. Skunk-joint-jammer
    14. Yardbird
    15. Jingo!
    16. Ersatz punk rocker
    17. White Stripe jerk
    18. Red Hot Chili Pepper
    19. Beardy folky
    20. Fender Tele man
    21. Hare Krishna junior Beatle
    22. Kosher twelve-bar jew
    23. Allman
    24. Trademark? Only effects pedals.
    25. Going down!
    26. Rage Against The Machine
    27. Dire droning Northerner
    28. CSN
    29. Stooge jerk
    30. Home: Chicago
    31. Surfer
    32. Quicksilver Messenger
    33/34. Sonic Youth
    35. Folk hero
    36. Mr Green Onions
    37. *That* beat!
    38. Early Mac
    39. Majesty, royalty! Sorry? Ranking just THIRTY-NINE???!!! You're joking!
    40. C.C.R.
    41. Byrd
    42. Crimson king
    43. He oozed funk
    44. Elvis sidekick
    45. Mother of Invention
    46. Gibson guitar named after him.
    47. Steaked his claim.
    48. Aerosmith
    49. Very fast
    50. Who?
    51. Free
    52. Enjoy an NY Wild Side walk
    53. Jobbing hired hand
    54. Hot Tuna jams
    55. Purple
    56. Harsh, tinny (Television)
    57. Country
    58. Allman
    59/60. Jarring in Radiohead
    61. Mr Tina
    62. Beefheart hobo
    63. Terminal angst...RIP.
    64. Under-rated Jean Genie
    65. Blues
    66. Living Colour
    67. Rumble
    68. Moby Grape
    69. Londoner joins Yes
    70. Two-hand tap
    71. Blues
    72. Thorny canuck
    73. Phish
    74. Rank No. Two, I reckon.
    75. Tool
    76. African
    77. Canned Heat
    78. The Band
    79. Blue Cap
    80. Not heard of him
    81. Boring blues
    82. Joined Pink Floyd
    83. Hippy
    84. C'mon Everybody!
    85. Fret-shredder
    86. Sabbath metal
    87. Runaway
    88. Kink brother
    89. Minuteman
    90. Alice Cooper novelty horror
    91. Door
    92/93. Detroit rock
    94. Folk
    95. My Bloody Valentine
    96. Horizontal AC/DC joker
    97. On pedal steel
    98. Remember Blue Cheer? No, nor me.
    99. Black Flag
    100. Soundgarden
• Rude Category:
  nedesto with:
  Shit myself =
  Filthy mess!
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Rosie Perera with:
  The Israel-Gaza conflict =
  Crazies fight all at once.

List of all nominated anagrams for July 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

August 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    nedesto with:
    A supervolcano =
    Cone pours lava.
  • 2nd place:
    Jason Lofts with:
    Low salaries? =
    Allow raises!
  • 3rd place:
    Tony Crafter with:
    Senior has ~
    nose hairs!
• Entertainment Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  And Now For Something Completely Different =
  Sentence of a weird gent from old Python film.
• Topical Category:
  Scott Gardner with:
  The Ebola virus in West Africa =
  A cure for this was inevitable.
• People's Name Category:
  Rick Rothstein with:
  The comedian and actor Robin Williams =
  A more-than-brilliant comic is now dead.
• Other Name Category:
  Julian Lofts with:
  The San Andreas Fault =
  Unsafe land's a threat.
• Medium Length Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  1. Star Wars: A New Hope
  2. The Empire Strikes Back
  3. Return of the Jedi
  4. The Phantom Menace
  5. Attack of the Clones
  6. Revenge of the Sith
  =
  1. "Perfect!!!"
  2. "A gem!!"
  3. "Ewoks stink, but it has charm!"
  4. "The pod race went on forever there..."
  5. "Another speech in the Senate?!"
  6. "That film's a joke."
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  "A successful man is one who makes more money than a wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man." - Lana Turner
  =
  A man women need:
  
  - Raw
  - Innocuous
  - Calm
  - Has no affairs
  
  A woman men need:
  
  - Can sew his sock
  - Has manners
  - Epic
  - Successful
  - Tan
  - Youthful
• Long Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  THE 12 GREATEST MINDS IN HUMAN HISTORY
  
  1. Albert Einstein
  2. William Shakespeare
  3. Leonardo da Vinci
  4. Charles Darwin
  5. Sir Isaac Newton
  6. Socrates
  7. Wolfgang Amedeus Mozart
  8. Sigmund Freud
  9. Plato
  10. Winston Churchill
  11. Stephen Hawking
  12. Thomas Edison
  
  =
  
  1. Wrote E-mc²
  2. Hamlet bard
  3. Styled the Mona Lisa
  4. Showed us Man's origins
  5. United the Laws of Motion
  6. Worked on ethics
  7. No. 1 classical musician
  8. First shrink
  9. Higher Learning pioneer
  10. Trusted in a war
  11. Changed universal law
  12. Shaped amazing patents
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place:David Bourke with:
    Rolling Stone magazine's list of the one-hundred greatest singers of all time
    
    01 Aretha Franklin
    02 Ray Charles
    03 Elvis Presley
    04 Sam Cooke
    05 John Lennon
    06 Marvin Gaye
    07 Bob Dylan
    08 Otis Redding
    09 Stevie Wonder
    10 James Brown
    11 Paul McCartney
    12 Little Richard
    13 Roy Orbison
    14 Al Green
    15 Robert Plant
    16 Mick Jagger
    17 Tina Turner
    18 Freddie Mercury
    19 Bob Marley
    20 Smokey Robinson
    21 Johnny Cash
    22 Etta James
    23 David Bowie
    24 Van Morrison
    25 Michael Jackson
    26 Jackie Wilson
    27 Hank Williams
    28 Janis Joplin
    29 Nina Simone
    30 Prince
    31 Howlin' Wolf
    32 Paul "Bono" Hewson
    33 Steve Winwood
    34 Whitney Houston
    35 Dusty Springfield
    36 Bruce Springsteen
    37 Neil Young
    38 Elton John
    39 Jeff Buckley
    40 Curtis Mayfield
    41 Chuck Berry
    42 Joni Mitchell
    43 George Jones
    44 Bobby "Blue" Bland
    45 Kurt Cobain
    46 Patsy Cline
    47 Jim Morrison
    48 Buddy Holly
    49 Donny Hathaway
    50 Bonnie Raitt
    51 Gladys Knight
    52 Brian Wilson
    53 Muddy Waters
    54 Luther Vandross
    55 Paul Rodgers
    56 Mavis Staples
    57 Eric Burdon
    58 Christina Aguilera
    59 Rod Stewart
    60 Björk Gudmundsdóttir
    61 Roger Daltrey
    62 Lou Reed
    63 Dion DiMucci
    64 W. Axl Rose
    65 David Ruffin
    66 Thom Yorke
    67 Jerry Lee Lewis
    68 Wilson Pickett
    69 Ronnie Spector
    70 Gregg Allman
    71 Frederick "Toots" Hibbert
    72 John Fogerty
    73 Dolly Parton
    74 James Taylor
    75 Iggy Pop
    76 Steve Perry
    77 Merle Haggard
    78 Sly Stone
    79 Mariah Carey
    80 Frankie Valli
    81 John Lee Hooker
    82 Tom Waits
    83 Patti Smith
    84 Darlene Love
    85 Sam Moore
    86 Art Garfunkel
    87 Don Henley
    88 Willie Nelson
    89 Solomon Burke
    90 The Everly Brothers
    91 Levon Helm
    92 Morrissey
    93 Annie Lennox
    94 Karen Carpenter
    95 Patti LaBelle
    96 B.B. King
    97 Joe Cocker
    98 Stevie Nicks
    99 Steven Tyler
    100 Mary J. Blige
    
    =
    
    01 R-E-S-P-E-C-T
    02 Brother Ray
    03 The King
    04 Wonderful World
    05 Yoko's terminated consort
    06 Through the grapevine
    07 Whining jew
    08 On the dock
    09 Blind negro
    10 Feeling good!
    11 Yesterday
    12 Awopbopaloobopalopbamboom!
    13 Can't see
    14 Reverend
    15 Midlands rock god
    16 Jumping Jack Flash
    17 Simply the (seventeenth) best!
    18 Majestic...he will rock you!
    19 Enjoys joint
    20 Miracle
    21 Man In Black
    22 At last
    23 Major Tom
    24 Irritable Norn Iron storyteller
    25 Thriller
    26 An entertainer
    27 Stetson
    28 Texan
    29 Her baby just cares
    30 Purple gnome
    31 Blues lord
    32 Patronising, pontificating pranny
    33 Kept on running
    34 Diva
    35 Blue-eyed soul
    36 The Boss
    37 Wrinkly-looking joke
    38 Ivory-tinkler
    39 Grace
    40 Sweetest feeling
    41 Reeling and rocking
    42 Canadian skirt
    43 Country jigs
    44 Renowned drinker
    45 Nirvana
    46 Crazy crooner
    47 Door
    48 Mr American Pie
    49 Revered vocalist
    50 Blues bird
    51 Killed Me Softly
    52 Beach Boy
    53 He's a M...A...N.
    54 Dancing with his father
    55 Free
    56 Living legend
    57 Animal
    58 "Dirrty" diva
    59 Wrinkly old fossil
    60 Shrill Iceland troll
    61 Roar in The Who
    62 New York Velvet legend
    63 Doo-wop
    64 G n' R wally
    65 Temptation
    66 Oh joy! Radiohead!
    67 Killer
    68 Mustang Sally
    69 Phil's girl
    70 Southern
    71 Jamaican
    72 C.C.R.
    73 Nice bristols!
    74 Sweet Baby James
    75 "Car insurance salesman" jibes
    76 Jerk in Journey
    77 Fugitive
    78 Jolly funky!
    79 Vision of Love
    80 Jersey boy ("Sherry")
    81 Boom boom!
    82 Gravelly growler
    83 Skinny punk
    84 She's a rebel
    85 Soul jewel
    86 Bright-eyed
    87 Boy of Summer
    88 Country outlaw
    89 Soul Man
    90 Joint harmony...Don and Phil
    91 The Band
    92 Miserable now
    93 Eurythmic
    94 Anorexic drummer
    95 Lady Marmalade
    96 Blues statesman
    97 Sheffield tonsils
    98 Siren
    99 Aerosmith jester
    100 Sorry..."Bilge"!
  • 2nd place:Meyran Kraus with:
    [As a tribute to the late Robin Williams, the song Send in the Clowns is anagrammed into a poem about depression that contains a unique acrostic constraint detailed below:]
    
    
    Isn't it rich?
    Are we a pair?
    Me here at last on the ground,
    You in mid-air.
    Send in the clowns.
    
    Isn't it bliss?
    Don't you approve?
    One who keeps tearing around,
    One who can't move.
    But where are the clowns?
    Send in the clowns.
    
    Just when I'd stopped opening doors,
    Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
    Making my entrance again with my usual flair,
    Sure of my lines,
    No one is there.
    
    Don't you love farce?
    My fault, I fear.
    I thought that you'd want what I want.
    Sorry, my dear.
    But where are the clowns?
    Quick, send in the clowns.
    Don't bother, they're here.
    
    Isn't it rich?
    Isn't it queer,
    Losing my timing this late
    In my career?
    And where are the clowns?
    There ought to be clowns.
    Well, maybe next year.
    
    =
    
    The Pain Down In My Tortured Heart
    
    Beyond the haunting roars of the abyss -
    A well of woe that swallowed me each season -
    One worthy memory of ancient bliss
    Intruded on my nightmares for no reason.
    
    The queer occurrence was a nightly thing,
    When quiet thoughts try to ignite a spark -
    Yet I learned how to numb their hurtful sting;
    I'll never let it penetrate my dark.
    
    Why promptly set one yearning spirit loose
    When I, instead, can wallow in the muck
    Or use one constant ache as an excuse
    To curse my never-ending horrid luck?
    
    I wait and greet, with no inherent soul,
    The sun that rises in my window now.
    I did have will once; now it's just a hole -
    It's pacified beneath my weary brow.
    
    
    [If we isolate one word from each line, we discover that this poem actually contains a shorter free-verse poem about Robin Williams with a relevant acrostic:]
    
    The Pain Down In My Tortured Heart
    
    Beyond the haunting roars of the abyss -
    A well of woe that swallowed me each season -
    One worthy memory of ancient bliss
    Intruded on my nightmares for no reason.
    
    The queer occurrence was a nightly thing,
    When quiet thoughts try to ignite a spark -
    Yet I learned how to numb their hurtful sting;
    I'll never let it penetrate my dark.
    
    Why promptly set one yearning spirit loose
    When I, instead, can wallow in the muck
    Or use one constant ache as an excuse
    To curse my never-ending horrid luck?
    
    I wait and greet, with no inherent soul,
    The sun that rises in my window now.
    I did have will once; now it's just a hole -
    It's pacified beneath my weary brow.
    
    Roars
    Of
    Bliss
    Intruded
    Nightly,
    When
    I
    Let
    Loose;
    Instead,
    As
    My
    Soul
    Rises,
    It's
    Pacified.
    
  • 3rd place: Tony Crafter with:
    The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God
    An Ode by
    John Milton Hayes
    
    There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
    There's a little marble cross below the town;
    There's a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew,
    And the Yellow God forever gazes down.
    
    He was known as "Mad Carew" by the subs at Khatmandu,
    He was hotter than they felt inclined to tell;
    But for all his foolish pranks, he was worshipped in the ranks,
    And the Colonel's daughter smiled on him as well.
    
    He had loved her all along, with a passion of the strong,
    The fact that she loved him was plain to all.
    She was nearly twenty-one and arrangements had begun
    To celebrate her birthday with a ball.
    
    He wrote to ask what present she would like from Mad Carew;
    They met next day as he dismissed a squad;
    And jestingly she told him then that nothing else would do
    But the green eye of the little Yellow God.
    
    On the night before the dance, Mad Carew seemed in a trance,
    And they chaffed him as they puffed at their cigars:
    But for once he failed to smile, and he sat alone awhile,
    Then went out into the night beneath the stars.
    
    He returned before the dawn, with his shirt and tunic torn,
    And a gash across his temple dripping red;
    He was patched up right away, and he slept through all the day,
    And the Colonel's daughter watched beside his bed.
    
    He woke at last and asked if they could send his tunic through;
    She brought it, and he thanked her with a nod;
    He bade her search the pocket saying "That's from Mad Carew,"
    And she found the little green eye of the god.
    
    She upbraided poor Carew in the way that women do,
    Though both her eyes were strangely hot and wet;
    But she wouldn't take the stone and Mad Carew was left alone
    With the jewel that he'd chanced his life to get.
    
    When the ball was at its height, on that still and tropic night,
    She thought of him and hurried to his room;
    As she crossed the barrack square she could hear the dreamy air
    Of a waltz tune softly stealing thro' the gloom.
    
    His door was open wide, with silver moonlight shining through;
    The place was wet and slipp'ry where she trod;
    An ugly knife lay buried in the heart of Mad Carew,
    'Twas the "Vengeance of the Little Yellow God."
    
    There's a one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Khatmandu,
    There's a little marble cross below the town;
    There's a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew,
    And the Yellow God forever gazes down.
    
    =
    
    The Odd Man
    
    There's a Spanish chalet-restaurant north-west of the Walworth Road,
    Where they make the finest eggnog anywhere;
    There's a fellow at the table by the window all alone,
    And on Monday nights you'll catch him seated there.
    
    A chap of little rank, a lowly teller in a bank,
    He was chubby, middle-aged and shy as well,
    All his days felt just the same; Donald Michael was the name
    And the place was called the Casa Annabel.
    
    When he'd sat that night at eight, chasing tacos round the plate,
    He'd thought wryly of his impact on the world,
    In the forty years of life, he had never had a wife,
    To tell the truth, he'd never had a girl!
    
    One final lager quencher then he'd wend his lonely way,
    To that tatty, squalid bedsit in the town,
    To bed to turn the light off on another faded day,
    Then he'd wrap himself up in the eiderdown.
    
    But at length his thoughts were jarred by the strum of a guitar,
    That played the strident intro to Granada,
    Through the curtain made of net came the clack! of castanets,
    And Donald found his heart was beating harder!
    
    Then she burst into the room, like a Spanish rose in bloom,
    With her lovely lips a luscious ruby-red,
    Stomped both heels then threw some shapes, twirled her long dress like a cape,
    And each sensual move she made begged "come to bed!"
    
    She swayed across the floor toward the place where Donald sat,
    Her eyes, two burning jewels were locked on his,
    And Donald sat there stiffly like a terrified meerkat,
    With his head and heart a'flutter, and a'tizz.
    
    Then Donald slowly felt that frozen fear begin to melt,
    As he looked into the hot depths of her eyes,
    Something strange was now occurring, and he felt his loins a'stirring,
    And that tingle now had gone down to both thighs.
    
    As the glow within him grew, all at once for sure he knew
    He was the chubby bank teller no more,
    Then he flew up from the seat, clapped his hands and stomped both feet,
    Now he was Don Miguel the strong, tall toreador!
    
    Their eyes were locked, both bodies arched, he matched her every move,
    They generated sexual heat galore,
    They strutted, writhed and wriggled, now both totally in the groove,
    Ah, he was Don Miguel the toreador!
    
    When the music stopped her eyes stayed locked, her warm hand touched his cheek,
    "Wow, that was the best!" she sighed. "Wow!" he growled, and "Whew!
    "Now I somehow know that you're the one, my legs have both gone weak!"
    And the senorita said, "I feel that too."
• Rude Category:
  David Bourke with:
  The lesbian relationship =
  Oh, interest in labia helps!
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Ellie Dent with:
  A truck driver from Manhattan frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the roadside. There was likely to be a high number of lawyers walking briskly along the road there. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyer with his truck as he was speeding by. One day, he spotted a priest shuffling along and kindly stopped to give him a ride. Further on, as he drew near to the town itself he saw a lawyer.
  ~
  Accelerating quickly, he veered his truck towards the lawyer ... but then remembered the priest He swerved awkwardly to the center, but he heard an awful, an appalling sound ... a strange thud. Looking fearfully in the rear view mirror, he observed that the lawyer was apparently OK , thank God, and now rolling away off across a field. He turned to the priest, saying, 'Father, I am sure I missed that lawyer!' The priest said: 'That's okay son ... I got him with the door.'

List of all nominated anagrams for August 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

September 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Meyran Kraus with:
    A spin of the roulette =
    Fate rules it, not hope.
  • 2nd place:
    Tyler Severance with:
    It's a never ending story ~
    and so very interesting!
  • 3rd place:
    Larry Brash with:
    Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder =
    Very distracted condition... I pity their fate.
• Entertainment Category:
  Adie Pena with:
  Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band =
  LP caper sprung by the Beatles on LSD.
• Topical Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The Ebola deaths in West Africa =
  Bad, as it infects the whole area.
• People's Name Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  The timeless Deborah Ann 'Debbie' Harry =
  The rather dreamy 'Blondie' babe shines!
• Other Name Category:
  Adie Pena with:
  The United States Dollar Reserve =
  Those evil leaders aren't trusted.
• Medium Length Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  1. Mick Jagger
  2. Charlie Watts
  3. Keith Richards
  4. Ronnie Wood
  =
  1. Wise great-grandfather
  2. Senile drummer
  3. Coke-snorting jerk
  4. Alcoholic with thrombosis
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  'To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.' - Lewis B Smedes
  =
  No way! So far, I've discovered the best response to hurt emotions is swift reprisal. Agreed?
• Long Category:
  Ellie Dent with:
  A scruffy looking guy strolls into a bar one summer's evening and orders a drink. The bartender says: 'No way. I don't think you can pay for it.' The guy says, 'You are right. I do not have any money, but if I show you something you have never seen before, will you give me a drink?'
  
  The bartender says, 'Only if what you show me ain't risque.' 'Right. Deal!' says the guy and reaches into the pocket of his coat and retrieves a little furry hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really rather good.
  
  The bartender says, 'You are right. I have never seen anything like that before in my life. That hamster is superb on the piano.'
  
  =
  
  The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender, Harry, for another brew, a brandy. 'Money, a miracle, or no joy', says the barman.
  
  The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a frog. He puts it on the bar, whereupon the tiny animal begins to sing. He has a marvelous voice and pretty fine pitch. A guy from the other end of the bar runs over and offers him three hundred dollars for the entertaining frog. The guy says, 'Okay. It is a deal.' He takes the money and hands it over. A very happy buyer hurries away.
  
  The bartender says: 'Hey! You must be stupid! Some kinda nut. You sold a remarkable, genuinely creative, singing frog for that? Why, it must've been worth millions, easy. It's insanity, isn't it?'
  
  'No no, not so. You see, the hamster there is also a ventriloquist.'
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place:Meyran Kraus with:
    [A war sonnet is anagrammed into another sonnet about peace, which also contains a visual constraint detailed below it:]
    
    
    Ella Wheeler Wilcox's War Sonnet
    
    Above the chaos of impending ills,
    Through all the clamour of insistent strife,
    Now while the noise of arming nations fills
    Each throbbing hour with menaces to life,
    I hear the voice of Progress! Strange indeed
    The shadowed pathways that lead up to light.
    But as a runner sometimes will recede
    That he may so accumulate his might,
    Then with a will that needs must be obeyed
    Rushes resistless to the goal with ease,
    So the whole world seems now to retrograde,
    Slips back to war, that it may speed to peace;
    And in that backward step it gathers force
    For the triumphant finish of its course.
    
    =
    
    The Horrible Hoax of War
    
    When pundits strictly tell their mob to hate,
    Or somehow use each issue to fuel fright,
    Or in a chapel shout, "We mustn't wait!
    The wretched hogs might trap us! Time to fight!",
    We'd wince at the inept force of this bait.
    This way can't heal those hearts or make life stronger;
    As all the noble diplomats shall state,
    "Peace is not swift at all, and war's much longer".
    Men store a healthy stash of candid rage,
    A widow airs dislike with every glare,
    But for this genesis, we need this age
    Of humble cheer - not panic or despair!
    Though instant tenderness now should be awesome,
    This epic miracle needs love to blossom.
    
    [The sonnet contains the 7 Heavenly Virtues (chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness and humility) in such a way that they display the peace sign:]
    
    
    When pundits strictly tell their mob to hate,
    Or somehow use each issue to fuel fright,
    Or in a chapel shout, "We mustn't wait!
    The wretched hogs might trap us! Time to fight!",
    We'd wince at the inept force of this bait.
    This way can't heal those hearts or make life stronger;
    As all the noble diplomats shall state,
    "Peace is not swift at all, and war's much longer".
    Men store a healthy stash of candid rage,
    A widow airs dislike with every glare,
    But for this genesis, we need this age
    Of humble cheer - not panic or despair!
    Though instant tenderness now should be awesome,
    This epic miracle needs love to blossom.
    
  • 2nd place: Tony Crafter with:
    THE RULE BIBLE FOR GUYS
    Rules from Men to Women
    
    Men are NOT mind readers.
    
    Learn to shift the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You never hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
    
    Sunday sport. It's like Time and the Changing of the Tides. Let it be.
    
    Crying is blackmail.
    
    Ask for what you want. Let's be very clear about this. Subtle hints don't work on men; neither do big hints, neither do obvious hints. Just say it!
    
    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable replies to almost every question.
    
    Come to us with a problem only if you require our help solving it. That's what men do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    
    Anything we said three months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments may become null and void after a maximum of seven days.
    
    If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
    
    If something we've said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
    
    You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you'd like it done. Never both. If you already know the best way of doing it, just do it yourself.
    
    Whenever possible, please say anything you have to say during the commercial breaks.
    
    Christopher Columbus did NOT need to ask directions and neither do we.
    
    ALL men see in only sixteen colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Aubergine is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    
    If it itches, it'll be scratched. Men do that.
    
    If a man asks what's wrong and you reply 'nothing,' he'll act like nothing's wrong. He probably realizes you're fibbing, but it just isn't worth the hassle.
    
    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you might not want to hear.
    
    If we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you're wearing is fine... Really.
    
    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor racing.
    
    You have enough clothes.
    
    You have too many shoes.
    
    I'm in shape. Round IS a shape!
    
    A headache that lasts for eighteen months is a problem. See a doctor.
    
    Beer is as enticing for us as handbags are for you.
    
    Kindly remember these rules.
    =
    
    Rules - Men to Men:
    
    Any man who takes a camera to a bachelor party may be lawfully killed and possibly eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    
    Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
    
    It is quite okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
    As soon as he sees Jennifer Aniston start to undo her blouse b) After wrecking your boss's Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth
    
    Unless he killed someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within twelve hours.
    
    If you've known a guy for over twenty-four hours, his sister is out of bounds forever, unless you actually marry her.
    
    The standard time you should have to wait for a guy who is running late is around six minutes. The longest waiting time allowed is seven minutes
    
    Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, it is okay to moan at will if the temperature is too warm.
    
    No man shall ever be expected to buy a birthday present for another man. (Even just knowing your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)
    
    When coming upon some other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you should never ask who is playing.
    
    Guys do not let their buddies wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
    
    If another man's zipper is down, that is his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.
    
    Women who say they "love to watch sport" should be treated as spies until they demonstrate a detailed knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    
    If you compliment a guy on his 'exquisite six-pack', you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
    
    Phrases that may not be uttered directly to another man while he's lifting weights: a) Push it harder, sweet cheeks! b) Give me one more - now! c) One last set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?
    
    Don't ever talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on an equal footing, i.e: both peeing, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation that is needed.
    
    When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a way that also gives you no chance of hooking up either.
    
    Thanks for reading this.
  • 3rd place: Tony Crafter with:
    =
    PRIVATE DANCER
    A song by Tina Turner
    
    All the men come in these places
    And the men are all the same
    You don't look at their faces
    And you don't ask their names
    
    You don't think of them as human
    You don't think of them at all
    You keep your mind on the money
    Keeping your eyes on the wall
    
    I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
    I'll do what you want me to do
    I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
    And any old music will do
    
    I wanna make a million dollars
    I wanna live out by the sea
    Have a husband and some children
    Yeah, I guess I want a family
    
    All the men come in these places
    And the men are all the same
    You don't look at their faces
    And you don't ask their names
    
    I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
    I'll do what you want me to do
    I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
    And any old music will do
    
    I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
    I'll do what you want me to do
    Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
    And any old music will do
    
    Deutsch marks or dollars
    American Express will do nicely, thank you
    Let me loosen up your collar
    Tell me, do you wanna see me do the shimmy again?
    
    I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
    I'll do what you want me to do
    Just a private dancer, a dancer for money
    And any old music will do
    
    All the men come in these places
    And the men are all the same
    You don't look at their faces
    And you don't ask their names
    
    You don't think of them as human
    No, you don't think of them at all
    You keep your mind on the money
    Keeping your eyes on the wall
    
    I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
    I'll do what you want me to do
    I'm your private dancer, a dancer for money
    And any old music will do
    (repeat and fade...)
    
    =
    
    PRIVATE DANCER
    (Military two-step)
    
    I'm a bored and lonely guardsman
    In a dull old sentry box
    Here outside the royal palace
    Where I'm stood up like a rock
    
    And the minutes really drag on
    And you may not move or talk
    And the folk outside the palace
    Come to look and shout and gawk
    
    They call me Private Dancer and say I'm a fool, 'cause
    I played out my own kooky joke
    Instead of a slow march I did pirouettes
    To entertain all of you folk
    
    They all say I'm in deep doodah
    Yeah, and danced well out of line
    My superiors are furious
    And I could incur a fine
    
    Or they may dole out a sentence
    In a military jail
    'Cause I'm trendin' now on YouTube
    And I'm in the Daily Mail
    
    I'm known as Private Dancer oh, man, it's not funny
    And now I am stuck with the name
    Private Dancer, he danced when on duty
    And that's my one mad claim to fame
    
    (Chorus)
    Hey, Private Dancer, one mad, mental moment
    May mean your career has to end,
    Private Dancer, what unholy torment
    Oh, you never meant to offend.
    
    No euro or dollar
    Could allay the sorrow that makes my emotions so raw
    And, oh, I feel really hollow
    Lemme tell you, I'll not shimmy on duty no more
    
    (Chorus)
    Hey, Private Dancer, one mad mental moment
    May mean your career has to end
    Private Dancer, what unholy torment
    Oh, you never meant to offend.
    
    All my life I'm true and loyal
    (Damned unusual these days!)
    Loyal to you kooky Royals
    And if we sever our ways
    
    Hell, I'll duly keep on prancing
    Who knows, in another year?
    I may do 'Strictly Come Dancing'
    And have me a new career.
    
    As a champion dancer, a dancer for money,
    Don't mind any music you use,
    A champion dancer, a dancer for money's
    What I am intended to do. Ha!
    (repeat and end)
• Rude Category:
  nedesto with:
  Girl's nude silhouette
  =
  Outline sure delights!
  
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  David Bourke with:
  The Canadian songwriter Neil Percival Young =
  A strange and peculiarly-whining tenor voice.

List of all nominated anagrams for September 2014

---

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

October 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    nedesto with:
    The cheating husband = =
    Caught... then banished!
  • 2nd place:
    Meyran Kraus with:
    Halloween costume parties =
    We'll meet our hosts in a cape.
  • 3rd place:
    Julian Lofts with:
    Underwear fetishism =
    Um, are fishnets weird?
• Entertainment Category:
  Larry Brash with:
  Beethoven's Violin Concerto in D ~
  is conceived, then born, to live on.
• Topical Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The Ebola spreading in Africa =
  Sign of a terrible panic ahead.
• People's Name Category:
  nedesto with:
  Cartoonist Walter Elias Disney =
  Storyteller saw ideas in action.
• Other Name Category:
  nedesto with:
  The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention =
  Doctors and nurses there repel one vast infection!
• Medium Length Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  The Attributes Women Look For In A Man
  
  Warm
  Empathetic
  Loving
  Likeable
  
  Humorous
  Understanding
  Nice looks
  Gentle
  =
  Attributes Men Look For In A Woman
  
  Blonde
  Impish
  Go-getter
  
  Kind
  Natural
  Owns a home!
  Cute,
  Keen
  En vogue
  Rich
  Slim, tall
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Dharam Khalsa with:Yesterday is History,
  Tomorrow a Mystery,
  Today is a Gift,
  That's why it's called The Present.
  =
  Perfectly
  Right (trite?),
  Easy wits,
  Smooth story,
  Ethereal stars--
  Now is my day,
  This Day, Today!
• Long Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
  
  Officer: Indeed there is, ma'am, you were speeding.
  
  Woman: Oh dear.
  
  Officer: Can I see your licence please?
  
  Woman: Hell, I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
  
  Officer: You don't have one?
  
  Woman: Lost it four times for drunk driving.
  
  Officer: Hmmm... Right, can I see your vehicle registration papers then, please?
  
  Woman: I can't do that.
  
  Officer: Why's that?
  
  Woman: I stole this car.
  
  Officer: You stole it?
  
  Woman: Yes, and I have a confession to make - I murdered and hacked up the owner.
  
  Officer: Holy shit! You did what?
  
  Woman: There are 22 body parts in plastic bags in the trunk if you need to see them.
  
  The duty officer looks at the female, then slowly edges back to his car, where he calls for back up. Within minutes, six patrol cars surround the car. A senior officer slowly emerges from one of them and approaches the woman's car, grasping a half drawn gun.
  
  Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please?
  
  She steps out.
  ~
  Woman: Is there a problem, sir?
  
  Officer 2: One of my officers tells me you've stolen this car and murdered the owner.
  
  Woman: I've murdered the owner? Wow, how sinister!
  
  Officer 2: Would you care to open the trunk of your car, please ma'am?
  
  The woman coolly does as she is asked, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
  
  Officer 2: Ok... is this your car, ma'am?
  
  Woman: It is, sir - I have the registration papers here as proof.
  
  The first officer is astounded.
  
  Officer 2: Again, one of my officers is claiming you do not have a driving licence.
  
  Eager to cooperate, the woman rummages in her handbag and pulls out a thin clutch purse which she passes to the officer. The officer flips open the purse and examines the licence. He looks baffled.
  
  Officer 2: Thank you ma'am. My officer specifically told me you don't have a licence, that you stole this car after you murdered and hacked up the owner.
  
  Woman: He what? Wow, I bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place: Meyran Kraus with:
    A Sonnet by William Shakespeare
    
    My love is as a fever longing still,
    For that which longer nurseth the disease;
    Feeding on that which doth preserve the ill,
    The uncertain sickly appetite to please.
    My reason, the physician to my love,
    Angry that his prescriptions are not kept,
    Hath left me, and I desperate now approve
    Desire is death, which physic did except.
    Past cure I am, now Reason is past care,
    And frantic-mad with evermore unrest;
    My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are,
    At random from the truth vainly expressed;
    For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright,
    Who art as black as hell, as dark as night.
    
    =
    
    On The True Threat Of It
    
    The rants by experts in the media
    Have sadly spread this pointless panic here:
    Each paper welcomes mass hysteria,
    Each grim report promoting hopeless fear.
    But every toxic fact that they would fake
    Or dark threats that accompany this shrillness
    Leave simply pain and weakness in their wake
    And harm us more than any viral illness.
    Calm down then, my good friend, and make this right,
    Resolve this issue with a helping hand;
    Instead of being overcome with fright,
    Stay positive: together, we are grand.
    If people everywhere adopt this stance,
    Such horrid traumas shouldn't stand a chance.
  • 2nd place:Tony Crafter with:
    IF FIFTY SHADES OF GREY WERE TO BE WRITTEN BY A MAN
    
    At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she skilfully squeezed and pulled it. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.
    
    Staring at her naked body, I asked what she wanted. She told me to go for something between a smack and a stroke. So I went for a smoke.
    
    As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream, I heard those inevitable words . . . 'Clean up on aisle three.'
    
    'Are you ready to be tortured in a way that only a woman can torture a man?' she asked. I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate my chips.
    
    'Hurt me, hurt me!' she begged, leaning expectantly over the table. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey is too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'
    
    She stood there, trembling in the shed.
    "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want."
    So we went to McDonalds.
    
    I lay back spent, gazing dreamily out the shed window.
    Despite all my concerns about my chronic lack of experience, I could see that the rhubarb had come up a treat.
    
    "Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, icily.
    "Hmm, kinky," she purred.
    "Well," I said, "we can't be too careful, not with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
    
    Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to purchase all sorts of ropes, chains and shackles.
    She is still managing to get into that shed, though.
    
    She wanted to try telephone sex so I pretended to be an IT support guy. I turned her on. Then I turned her off. Then I turned her on again.
    
    They asked me to fully smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.
    
    "Are you certain you can stand the pain?" she snarled, brandishing the stilettos.
    "Well, I think I can," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said... then she showed me the till-receipt.
    
    'Harder!' she cried, gripping the workbench even tighter, 'Harder!' 'Alright,' I said, 'What is the gross national product of Nicaragua?'
    
    'I want it now against this wall!' she commanded, 'And keep it up as long as possible.'
    'Don't worry,' I said, 'I know full well how to put up a shelf.'
    ~
    She shook and spasmed as she felt wave after wave zapping through her body. I probably should have told her about that electric fence.
    
    She leant over the kitchen table. 'Oh, smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'but the darned ketchup just won't come out.'
    
    'What do you think about using toys for extra kicks in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'although I don't know how we're going to get a Scalextric in here.'
    
    We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, and up against the wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion that the end of the garden was plainly the correct place for the shed.
    
    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
    I groaned with pleasure. Right, now for the other boot.
    
    "Are you sure you want this?" I asked, "only, when I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
    She nodded.
    "Right," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.
    
    "Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she purred, gently caressing my neck as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
    
    'I am your slave,' she gasped breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and thoroughly worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.
    
    Her body trembled and shook. 'Hurry, I cannot wait any longer, do it now!' she groaned. 'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet down from the airing cupboard.
    
    'Hurt me!' she groaned, pressing her tense body against the shed wall. 'Alright,' I said. 'You're a terrible cook and I fancy your sister.'
    
    'Yes! Stick it right up there,' she urged, 'I want to remember this!' I did so, then tapped it firmly. You can never be too careful with Post-it notes.
    
    My tongue flicked in and out, in and out, faster and faster until she was completely helpless. No woman can resist a good lizard impression.
    
    'I am a very bad girl,' she whispered, 'Punish me in a way only a real man can!' 'Right,' I said and left my wet towels on the bathroom floor.
    
    As we sat in the dark restaurant, she stroked my thigh and said 'I want to see your hardness.' 'OK,' I replied, and punched the waiter.
  • 3rd place:Adie Pena with:
    FOOD, GLORIOUS FOOD
    from the musical "Oliver!" by Lionel Bart
    
    Is it worth the waiting for?
    If we live 'til eighty four
    All we ever get is gru...el!
    Ev'ry day we say our prayer --
    Will they change the bill of fare?
    Still we get the same old gru...el!
    There's not a crust, not a crumb can we find,
    Can we beg, can we borrow, or cadge,
    But there's nothing to stop us from getting a thrill
    When we all close our eyes and imag...ine
    
    Food, glorious food!
    Hot sausage and mustard!
    While we're in the mood --
    Cold jelly and custard!
    Peas pudding and saveloys!
    What next is the question?
    Rich gentlemen have it, boys --
    indigestion!
    
    Food, glorious food!
    We're anxious to try it.
    Three banquets a day --
    Our favorite diet!
    Just picture a great big steak --
    Fried, roasted or stewed.
    Oh, food,
    Wonderful food,
    Marvelous food
    Glorious food!
    
    Food, glorious food!
    Don't care what it looks like --
    Burned! Underdone! Crude!
    Don't care what the cook's like.
    Just thinking of growing fat --
    Our senses go reeling
    One moment of knowing that
    Full-up feeling!
    
    Food, glorious food!
    What wouldn't we give for
    That extra bit more --
    That's all that we live for
    Why should we be fated to
    Do nothing but brood
    On food,
    Magical food,
    Wonderful food,
    Marvelous food,
    Heavenly food,
    Beautiful food,
    Glorious food!
    
    =
    
    FOOD, DANGEROUS FOOD
    from "How to Manipulate or Humiliate the Envoys of Innutrition"
    
    Is it worth the queuing for?
    Will we live 'til twenty four?
    All we'll ever get is fast...food!
    Will they care what we'll ingest?
    Ev'ry day we do request --
    Still we get the same old fast...food!
    There's no option, no little fruit we can eat,
    We can chew, we can swallow, or bite!
    But there's nothing to hurt us from having a joy
    When we all close our mouths, we're delight...ed!
    
    Food, dangerous food!
    McDonald's or french fries!
    For fam'ly and brood --
    KFC wings or thighs!
    Suet, blubber, lard in vats!
    Not exaggerated,
    They got bucketfuls of fats --
    saturated!
    
    Food, dangerous food!
    Hamburger with large Coke!
    Taco Bell burrito!
    Grab a bite, do have a stroke!
    Another fritter intake
    Never ain't it good!
    Yuck, food,
    Poisonous food,
    Perilous food,
    Dangerous food!
    
    Food, dangerous food!
    Oily little doughnut,
    Cake for a glutton!
    Now I'll have a larger gut!
    I am a willing stooge!
    Now my weight is unwieldy;
    I got me a challenge huge --
    Obesity!
    
    Food, dangerous food!
    More Carl's Jr. calories,
    Nutrition got screwed!
    Mouthful at Wendy's
    I've expelled; I've disgorged,
    Vomited and spewed
    This food,
    Unhealthy food,
    Terrible food,
    Horrible food,
    Obnoxious food,
    Injurious food,
    Dangerous food!
• Rude Category:
  Larry Brash with:
  The Grafenberg spot=
  Beg: "Front.... THERE!.... GASP!!"
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Christopher Sturdy with:
  Used car salesman =
  See, lad runs a scam.

List of all nominated anagrams for October 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

---

November 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Dean Mayer with:
    Money - having lots ~
    may solve nothing.
  • 2nd place:
    Ed Pegg Jr with:
    Non-euclidean geometries =
    I see triangle come undone.
  • 3rd place:
    Larry Brash with:
    Factitious Disorder =
    First road to suicide.
• Entertainment Category:
  Tony Crafter with:Bob Geldof rehashes 'Do They Know It's Christmas' again =
  Oh bother! We're sick of this same ghastly Band Aid song!
• Topical Category:
  Jason Lofts with:
  New York's weather =
  Rather snowy week.
• People's Name Category:
  Adie Pena with:
  Kimberly Kardashian West =
  Think remarkably wide ass.
• Other Name Category:
  Larry Brash with:
  Munchausen's Syndrome =
  Shun my madness... no cure!
• Medium Length Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The Five Top Grossing Films Of All Time
  1. Avatar
  2. Titanic
  3. The Avengers
  4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
  5. Frozen
  =
  1. Fantastic VR realm
  2. 2 people in love on that ship
  3. Alienated Marvel gang
  4. Last fight of the wizard
  5. The rather frosty story.
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  "Life is a series of collisions with the future; it is not the sum of what we have been, but what we yearn to be."- Jose Ortega y Gasset.
  =
  The features of our misfit genes
  Have easily built "Fate" just so:
  Each bit shows not the way to go
  Nor where I was; it lies between.
• Long Category:
  Tony Crafter with:
  Three dead bodies arrived at a mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.
  
  The Coroner called the police to explain what had happened.
  
  He told the Inspector: 'First body: here we have Federigo Fellini, an Italian, died of heart failure while with his new mistress. Hence, as you see, the beaming smile on his face.'
  
  'Second body: Angus Fyffe, a Scottish scaffolder; won fifty-five thousand pounds on the National Lottery but wasted the lot on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning; hence the squiffy smile.'
  
  The Inspector asked, 'How about the last one?'
  
  'He's the most unusual one of all,' said the Coroner: Seamus Shaugnessy, Irishman, struck by lightning.'
  
  'So, why's he smiling?' asked the Inspector.
  
  'He thought he was having his photo taken.'
  
  =
  
  Tim, an old Irishman, is lying at home on his deathbed. Eyes closed, he knows that the end can not be far away, when he suddenly detects the most delicious aroma.
  He immediately realises that Ivy, his loving wife of sixty-odd years, is baking his favourite Irish scones.
  
  He manages to muster up enough energy to pull himself out of bed, then begins to crawl on all fours in the anticipated direction of the kitchen.
  
  When he reaches it, he beholds the so-tantalising sight of a plateload of piping-hot scones piled up on the table.
  
  He crawls wearily across the floor and, as his quivering hand reaches up to the table, he suddenly feels the thwhack! of a wooden spoon on his wrist, as his wife shouts, "Fuck off, they're for the funeral!"
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place:Meyran Kraus with:To Germany [WWI poem]
    
    You are blind like us. Your hurt no man designed,
    And no man claimed the conquest of your land.
    But gropers both through fields of thought confined
    We stumble and we do not understand.
    You only saw your future bigly planned,
    And we, the tapering paths of our own mind,
    And in each other's dearest ways we stand,
    And hiss and hate. And the blind fight the blind.
    
    When it is peace, then we may view again
    With new-won eyes each other's truer form
    And wonder. Grown more loving-kind and warm
    We'll grasp firm hands and laugh at the old pain,
    When it is peace. But until peace, the storm
    The darkness and the thunder and the rain.
    
    =
    
    [The constraint: Highlighting the word WE (symbolizing the unification of W. Berlin and E. Berlin) reveals one of the tools used to break that wall - a hammer:]
    
    Building Friendship And Harmony
    
    Our cultured human minds must understand
    That those that need no help stay quite impeded,
    And sometimes, we could need an aiding hand -
    Yes, even if we swear that hand's unneeded.
    The things we borrowed may be ours for good
    And what we know we'd gained is bound to stay -
    Though we all owe a debt of gratitude,
    And when we owe, we strictly must repay.
    Therefore, we help weak brethren left behind,
    Then ascertain our power's up and running,
    For only those that showed an open mind
    Can gain a thrilling bond so great and stunning:
    Our thriving, happy harmony for all...
    If only human minds can crack that wall.
  • 2nd place:Tony Crafter with:
    Murphy and Paddy were drinking in their local pub.
    
    "Something really strange happened to me last noight," said Murphy, "I shat a phantom turd."
    
    "Begorrah, did ya?" asked Paddy. "Er... what's a phantom turd?"
    
    "Well," said Murphy, "it's like when ya have a shite, then stand up and look down the pan afterwards and find it's disappeared!"
    
    "Whew! To be sure, oi did one of those meself," said Paddy.
    
    "Did ya honestly, Paddy?" exclaimed Murphy.
    
    "Yes, oi was walkin' back from da pub last noight and I needed to take a shite. There were no public toilets around so oi climbed over a fence and squatted on somebody's lawn. But when I'd finished, oi looked down and there was no sign of it, so there wasn't!"
    
    "Baloney! I don't believe a word," said Murphy, "you probably just couldn't see it in da darkness."
    
    "No, honest, it really disappeared, come and look for yourself if ya don't believe me."
    
    "Well, I think oi will," said Murphy, so together they marched out of the pub and Paddy led the way to the house. When they arrived, Paddy said, "Ok Murphy, dis is where oi did it, right on da lawn there!" With that, they climbed over the fence and started searching in the grass for the phantom faeces.
    
    While they were searching, the front door of the house opened and a woman called out, "Oi! What are youse two doing in me garden?"
    
    "Sorry, missus," said Paddy, "I'm lookin' for me dog, he's escaped off the lead."
    
    "Right, dat's ok den," said the woman, "only oi thought ye moight be da bastards that shat on me tortoise last noight!"
    
    =
    
    And some more...
    
    Paddy saw a letter lying on his doormat. On the envelope it read "DO NOT BEND".
    He spent the next two hours trying to work out how to pick it up.
    *
    
    Paddy shouted frantically into the telephone "Me woife is pregnant and da contractions are only two minutes apart!"
    "Is this her first child?" enquired the Doctor.
    "No," shouted Paddy, "Dis is her husband!"
    *
    
    Irish farmer Tommy's sheepdog went missing and he was inconsolable. His wife said to him: "Why don't you put an advertisement in the paper, Tommy?"
    He did so immediately, but two weeks later the dog was still on the loose. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asked.
    "Here boy," replied Tommy.
    *
    
    Paddy was in jail. One day, the guard looked in the cell and saw him hanging by his feet. "Hey! What are you doing?" he asked.
    "Oi'm hangin' meself," Paddy replied.
    "The rope should be around your neck, man!" said the guard.
    "Yeah, oi know dat," said Paddy "but oi couldn't breathe."
    *
    
    Aha! One answer I can understand!:
    The American tourist asked the Irishman: "Gee, Paddy, why do Scuba divers always fall backwards from the boat?"
    Paddy replied: They have ta go backwards. If they fell forward, they'd still be in da boat."
    *
    
    Paddy rang his girlfriend's doorbell with a bunch of flowers. She opened the door, took one look at them and immediately dragged him in. Then she lay on the sofa, pulled her dress up, took her panties down and said, 'This is for da flowers!'
    'Don't be daft,' said Paddy, 'You gotta have a vase somewhere in da house!'
    *
  • 3rd place:Tony Crafter with:
    THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKING
    By
    Nancy Sinatra
    
    You keep saying you've got something for me.
    Something you call love, but confess,
    You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
    And now someone else is gettin' all your best.
    
    These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
    One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
    
    You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'
    And you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
    You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
    Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.
    
    These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
    One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
    
    You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
    And you keep thinkin' that you'll never get burnt. Ha!
    I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
    And what he knows you ain't had time to learn.
    
    These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
    One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
    
    Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!
    =
    
    A BOOTY'S MADE FOR FLAUNTIN'
    (An elegy on Kim Kardashian's no-nonsense rear)
    By
    Anon
    
    Hey there Kim, you've really shown it to us!
    One kinky sight that you thought we'd enjoy,
    You bared your naked bum to all the readers
    Of 'PAPER', but was it the real McCoy?
    
    A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
    Now all the world has seen who's really got the hugest buns!
    
    You revealed it in its cheeky glory,
    With glass of bubbly restin' on the top,
    It's one eerie stunt you like performin', ooh!
    So 'bottoms up' and make that cork go pop!
    
    A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
    Now all the world has seen who's really got the hugest buns!
    
    You have so much baggage, you've been known as,
    A weekend beauty with a weakened brain, ooh!
    It seems now all that baggage is behind you, yeah
    Yet... sexy? Oh no, we think you're insane!
    
    A booty's made for flauntin' and that's just what you've done,
    Now all the world has seen you've really got the hugest buns!
    
    Okay, loosen the negligee, sneak open a wine - let me see that booty again!
• Rude Category:
  David Bourke with:
  The American First Lady, Michelle LaVaughn Robinson =
  Obama can fill her cunt (and similar holes) every night.
  
  
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  View with:
  Mike Tyson =
  I sent my KO!

List of all nominated anagrams for November 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

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December 2014

• General Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Rosie Perera with:
    Buy homeowner's insurance ~
    in case your new home burns.
  • 2nd place:
    David Bourke with:
    In the depths of despair ~
    he spotted a friendship.
  • 3rd place:
    Meyran Kraus with:
    The economy has improved a little now, so... ~
    how come I still don't have money to spare?
• Entertainment Category:
  View with:
  The Broadway performances =
  Award for best company here.
• Topical Category (tie):
  David Bourke with:
  Daily Mail readership mainly consists of ~
  hysterically-impaired fools and simians.
  
  nedesto with:
  "Away in a manger, no crib for his bed" =
  We sing in a choir for Mary and babe.
• People's Name Category:
  View with:
  Prime Minister Narendra Modi =
  Smart premier in modern India.
• Other Name Category (tie):
  Ed Pegg Jr with:
  Sony Pictures =
  PS: No security.
  
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The pedestrian crossing in Abbey Road =
  A certain boy-band poses here, striding.
• Medium Length Category:
  Jason Lofts with:
  
  1. Carter
  2. Reagan
  3. George H. W. Bush (Senior)
  4. Clinton
  5. George W. Bush; and
  6. Obama
  =
  1. Peanut grower
  2. A "B" actor
  3. Made cash boring oil
  4. He had sex with a fast intern
  5. Useless bugger
  6. Negro's son.
• Anagrammy Challenge Category:
  Adie Pena with:
  What do anagrammatists predict would be the most trending topic of all in the year Two Thousand Fifteen?
  =
  Can
  Ruin
  You To
  Spot or watch
  The two diminishing
  Attempts
  Led
  Before and
  After that mad
  Long wasted
  Life.
• Long Category:
  Elle Dent with:
  There was this man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give them 5000 bucks and see how each of them spent it.
  
  The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, a manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the man, 'I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.'
  
  The second one went out and bought brand new expensive golf clubs and a large flatscreen television, and gave them to the man.
  
  =
  
  She said, 'I bought cool gifts 'cos I love you so much.'
  
  The third woman, a buxom, unwed accountant, who took the bucks and invested in the stock market, tripled her money, returned a good 5000 bucks to the man and reinvested the whole of the rest. She said, 'I am investing now for the future 'cos I care. I need and love you awfully deeply.'
  
  The man pondered a long while, concentrating on how each of the women had spent the money.
  At last, however, being a mere man, he opted to wed the one with the largest breasts.
• Special Category:
  
  • 1st place:
    Meyran Kraus with:'There's A Certain Slant Of Light' by Emily Dickinson
    
    There's a certain Slant of light,
    Winter Afternoons -
    That oppresses, like the Heft
    Of Cathedral Tunes -
    
    Heavenly Hurt, it gives us -
    We can find no scar,
    But internal difference,
    Where the Meanings, are -
    
    None may teach it - Any -
    'Tis the Seal Despair -
    An imperial affliction
    Sent us of the Air -
    
    When it comes, the Landscape listens -
    Shadows - hold their breath -
    When it goes, 'tis like the Distance
    On the look of Death -
    
    =
    
    A Lone Snowman In The Lane
    
    Infinities
    Of idle sleet
    Are cast across
    A rustic street;
    This can eclipse
    The scenic glee
    That occupants
    Awoke to see.
    But one terrain
    No veil can hide;
    Our fervent knight
    Is keen, coal-eyed.
    The snowflakes fall
    Yet this can't pain
    This sentry, here
    On my fair lane.
    The frosted drafts
    Won't mar that pine;
    They're prone to fear
    His fine, white shine,
    And when their breaths
    Shall fog this night,
    That beam should aid
    A sled mid-flight.
  • 2nd place: Jason Lofts with:
    La Belle Dame Sans Merci
    by John Keats
    
    O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
    Alone and palely loitering?
    The sedge has withered from the lake,
    And no birds sing.
    
    O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,
    So haggard and so woe-begone?
    The squirrel's granary is full,
    And the harvest's done.
    
    I see a lily on thy brow,
    With anguish moist and fever-dew,
    And on thy cheeks a fading rose
    Fast withereth too.
    
    I met a lady in the meads,
    Full beautiful-a faery's child,
    Her hair was long, her foot was light,
    And her eyes were wild.
    
    I made a garland for her head,
    And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;
    She looked at me as she did love,
    And made sweet moan
    
    I set her on my pacing steed,
    And nothing else saw all day long,
    For sidelong would she bend, and sing
    A faery's song.
    
    She found me roots of relish sweet,
    And honey wild, and manna-dew,
    And sure in language strange she said-
    'I love thee true'.
    
    She took me to her Elfin grot,
    And there she wept and sighed full sore,
    And there I shut her wild wild eyes
    With kisses four.
    
    And there she lull'd me asleep,
    And there I dreamed-Ah! woe betide!-
    The latest dream I ever dreamt
    On the cold hill side.
    
    I saw pale kings and princes too,
    Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;
    They cried - La Belle Dame sans Merci
    Hath thee in thrall!'
    
    I saw their starved lips in the gloam,
    With horrid warning gap'd wide,
    And I awoke and found me here,
    On the cold hill's side.
    
    And this is why I sojourn here,
    Alone and palely loitering,
    Though the sedge is withered from the lake,
    And no birds sing.
    
    =
    
    Raising Bedlam with Mademoiselle Miley Cyrus
    - A Sordid Tale
    Jason Lofts
    
    A deranged girl is on a wrecking ball,
    Lonely and lewdly twerking:
    An underdressed shepherdess
    Masquerading in a string.
    
    She suggestively licked a sledgehammer,
    This degenerate Disney lass,
    Swaggering and unashamedly
    Showing off her ass.
    
    With pasties plastered on her tits,
    Half-naked, lewd and willing,
    Young Miley gyrated flirtatiously,
    Her followers a-thrilling.
    
    Serenaded by Robin Thicke on MTV,
    She twerked and enthralled.
    Though others such as Will Smith
    And young family were appalled.
    
    We watched her shuddering in flagrante,
    The dishevelled sweaty jezebel;
    Brandishing a tasteless foam dildo,
    A much desired titillating belle.
    
    O how heedless and wholehearted,
    She degenerated even more,
    Middle-aged fathers and mothers
    Called her a loathsome hoidenish whore.
    
    O, her wanton naked tawdriness
    Caused an infinite outrage.
    Had she been inhaling on a hashish pipe
    Before installing herself on stage?
    
    A wholesome paragon of womanhood, oh not!
    Bleating Sinead O'Connor was interviewed,
    Entreated her to stop her deviant fantasies,
    Uneffeminate, witless old Irish prude!
    
    Once more, dear Miley, andante!
    She twerked and thrashed away like mad,
    Little did she know she'd created
    The year's hottest new fad.
    
    All together now, twerk it up:
    Ooh-aah-aah, harder, ooh-aah-ooh!
    A wild and fallen maiden,
    The trashier the better, it's true!
    
    (Refrain: Ooh-aah-aah, ooh-aah-ooh!)
  • No 3rd place awarded (Only 4 entries)
• Rude Category:
  Meyran Kraus with:
  The real things we, the ladies, look for in a guy: =
  Fit - Wealthy - A good listener - Hung like a horse.
• Awardsmaster's Choice Award for a non-winning anagram:
  Tony Crafter with:OME AMAZING (AND SOME DECIDEDLY HORRID) FACTS
  
  If you'd yelled solidly for 8 years, 6 months and 5 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
  
  (Hardly seems worth it.)
  
  If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas would be generated to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
  
  (Hey, that's more like it!)
  
  The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps round the body to squirt blood 30 feet into the air.
  
  (Wow!)
  
  A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
  
  (Double wow!!)
  
  Is that why they're always squealing?
  
  A cockroach will live for nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy)
  
  (I'm still not over the pig.)
  
  Banging your head against a wall uses up 150 calories an hour.
  
  (Er, don't try this at home; maybe at work.)
  
  The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
  
  (Honey, I'm home . What the f...?)
  
  The flea can jump 350 times its own body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
  
  (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
  
  The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
  
  (Now what could be that darned tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
  
  Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
  
  (I still cannot believe that pig.... quality over quantity!)
  
  Butterflies taste with their feet.
  
  (Something I had always wanted to know.)
  
  The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
  
  (Hmm....)
  
  Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed ones do.
  
  (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
  
  Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
  
  (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
  
  A cat's urine glows under a black light.
  
  (Indeed? I wonder - how much did it cost the government to work that one out?)
  
  An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
  
  (I know some humans like that.)
  
  Starfish don't have brains.
  
  (I know some humans like that as well.)
  
  Polar bears are left-handed.
  
  (If they switched, wouldn't they live a lot longer?)
  
  Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
  
  (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
  
  =
  
  WAYS TO FINISH A RELATIONSHIP QUICKLY
  
  My wife has been dropping hints to me about what she wants for our upcoming anniversary. Recently, she said, 'Ooh, I want something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds!'
  So I got her a set of bathroom scales.
  
  I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Lite beer for $13.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream costing $7.85.
  I told her the Lite would make her look a lot better at night than the cold cream.
  Then the fight started....
  
  My wife asked me if a certain velvet outfit made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the one that she wore yesterday.
  
  A man and a woman were woken from a joyous post-coital sleep at 3.00 o'clock in the morning by a noise outside.
  The woman leapt from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' The perplexed man leapt out of bed still naked and jumped out of the window.
  He crashed to the ground, ran through a mass of thorn bushes and off to his car as fast as he could go.
  A few moments later he returned, torn and bloody, and yelled at the woman, 'Hold on a minute... I AM your husband!'
  The woman yelled back, 'Exactly! So why were you running?'
  
  Last Saturday I got up early; quietly put my clothes on; had some coffee; made lunch and slipped out to the garage.
  I tied the boat up to the Volvo then drove off, straight into a torrential downpour.
  A lively 50 mph gale was blowing, so I pulled back into the garage, switched on the radio, and heard that the weather was set to be the same all day.
  I tiptoed back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped into bed. I snuggled up against my snoozing wife and, cupping her breasts suggestively, I whispered in quiet anticipation: 'It's me, sexy; the weather out there is awful.'
  My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe that my stupid husband is out fishing in all that?'
  Then the fight started...
  
  A woman is sitting in the cool of the evening on the veranda with her husband.
  She says gently, "Oh, I love you so very much."
  He smiles shyly, and says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
  She says, "It's me talking to the wine."

List of all nominated anagrams for December 2014

[January] [February] [March] [April] [May] [June] [July] [August] [September] [October] [November] [December]

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